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  • About Me

    Image of AmyYa

    AmyYa

    Female, 35
    Derry, NH, USA
    Member since March 16, 2008

    • About Me

      I am of native American decent (multiple nations- most strongly the abenaki and pequot). I am a very caring person, and when I give of myself, I give fully. I lost my soul-sister and best friend to suicide on 7/5/07 and I am having a VERY rough time dealing with this. There was never an actual funeral (the family couldn't handle it- there was just a little grave side gathering of just her parents and me (the father of her two kids wouldn't bring them to it) and that didn't happen until 3 months after her death- and the tombstone was just barely put in earlier this month- so I am finding that I am only just coming out of Shock that she is gone and starting to really mourn- and OMGosh it HURTS!!!!

      I am of native American decent (multiple nations- most strongly the abenaki and pequot). I am a very caring person, and when I give of myself, I give fully. I lost my soul-sister and best friend to suicide on 7/5/07 and I am having a VERY rough time dealing with this. There was never an actual funeral (the family couldn't handle it- there was just a little grave side gathering of just her parents and me (the father of her two kids wouldn't bring them to it) and that didn't happen until 3 months after

    • Interests

      Nature, cooking, meeting people, getting to know the Native american nations I have in my background (I find the spirituality from these to be more dear to my heart), theatre, music, crafting. I love nature- especially taking photos of nature/wildlife. I also love to read.

      Nature, cooking, meeting people, getting to know the Native american nations I have in my background

  • Recent Activity

    Recently:

    • 4 hugs received, 1 journal comment, 1 hug given

    Yesterday

    Tuesday

  • Journal

    • We did a show (performed) at Mohegan Sun Casino!!!!!!!!

      Mood November 1, 2009 5:05am

      the community theatre-style group my hubbie and I are part of out of Arlington, MA (considered to actually be from Boston- but practices take place …
    • This entry is private

    • still super sick

      Mood October 19, 2009 7:19pm

      I had a follow-up appt with my pcp am he gave me MORE meds and is putting me out of work for at least another week-  still devloping more …
    • STILL sick

      Mood October 15, 2009 2:42am

      I am STILL sick- have been VERY ill with a virus that does every symptom you can imagine-headaches, fevers, chills, sneezing, runny nose, stuffed …

    • Super sadness

      Mood October 8, 2009 2:47am

      For those of you that are not in the NH/MA area, there was a murder earlier this week in a rural town here in NH (not that far from where I live)- …

    Read Journal

  • Hugbook

    Give AmyYa a hug



    • Moment of Peace

      From kokoinmn Yesterday

      Thanks for asking for my friendship. From your profile it sounds like you are going through alot of grieving. I hope you are doing well and life is looking a little sunnier today. Take care!

    • Hug

      From wakinyantechate28 Yesterday

      Hope things are looking up for you. hugs

    • Hug

      From shootingstar1 Saturday

      I had a look at your taken pictures at artwanted.com. You are an excellent photographer. I showed your pictures to my artist friend too. I hope you feel better soon. A good day to you!

    • Flower

      From shootingstar1 Saturday

      Really nice chatting with you!

    • Get Well Soon!

      From lis25 October 15

      get well soon. Sorry to hear how sick u r

    Read Hugbook

  • Goals

    Goal Completed on Jun 28, 09
    Goal Completed on Jun 28, 09
  • Support Groups

    • Close Families & Friends Affected By Suicide

      My best friend and soul-sister (was more family than anyone related to me) killed herself on 7/5/07 after years of battling depression, anxiety, severe migraines and lupus. Ever since she died, I have felt SO many conflicting emotions and I hurt so much. She was the one person that I could talk to about anything, and now that I need her most, she is gone.

      Treatments

      Psychotherapy Not Working
      Every time I left my appt I felt so much more raw. The counselor clearly while understanding the text-book info regarding suicide grief, had NO real experience in this.
      Talking Somewhat Helpful
      Especially right after the suicide, all I seemed to be able to do was talk about it constantly. I found that there are a lot of people who I thought would be there for me that were not, but also found some surprising support from people I would never have expected it from.
      Writing Somewhat Helpful
      writing helps to give me a place to express my emotions.
      Crying Working / Worked
      There have been times that ONLY letting myself cry as much as I needed to would help. Tonight is one of those nights!
    • Close Sexual Abuse

      I was abused by my grandfather and a group of his friends on a repeated basis, by a cousin on the other side of the family, my older brother, and the minister of a "church".

      Treatments

      Art Working / Worked
      This has helped me to express things that I could not figure out how to say in words, or was too afraid to say.
      Group Therapy Working / Worked
      Some of the groups were better than others, but the most important thing was to learn that I was not alone.
      Leave Working / Worked
      I ended up
      Music Working / Worked
      Talking Working / Worked
      Talking about the abuse helped me to process it, and to let others know they were not alone.
    • Open Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

      I was ritually abused for years when I was younger and have a very hard time dealing with the fears stemming from that.

      Treatments

      Art Working / Worked
      doing artwork (expressive rather than an attempt to be and 'artist') has helped me to get a lot of memories out onto something concrete so I could face them.
      Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Somewhat Helpful
      Didn't really find this helpful. It felt too much like some of the brain washing I went through.
      Guided Imagery Not Working
      Again, this is too much like some of the techniques used against me when I was in a "bible-based church" that was a cult (and very very abusive).
      Music Working / Worked
      works, depending on the music. I find angry music actually helps the best- interestingly enough angry music, rather than making me angrier, actually helps me to vent and release the anger.
      Psychotherapy Working / Worked
      I was lucky enough to find a counselor to see for several years who had a great deal of true experience in dealing with ritual abuse and cult survivors
      Reading Working / Worked
      Found one book in particular VERY helpful for cult related ritual abuse- "cults in our midst"
      Talking Working / Worked
      This has helped as long as who I was talking to was not judgmental. Talking about it invariably brought up flashbacks though- because I found that as I started to allow myself to see portions of what happened, more things surfaced.
    • Open Anxiety

      My soul-mate, best friend, other half to my whole committed suicide 7/5/07 and I have had significant anxiety ever since. Recently (since shortly before the anniversary of her death) it has gotten much worse. It seems that as I am coming out of shock and starting to mourn and to remember things, that everything reminds me of her, and it hurts so bad I am afraid I will want to follow her.

      Treatments

      Ativan Working / Worked
      works pretty well most of the time- taking it only as needed. One side effect is that it makes me bleed easier.
      Breathing Exercises Not Working
      Breathwork Not Working
      Meditation Somewhat Helpful
      Sometimes this can be helpful, but because of past experiences in a cult this can also sometimes cause anxiety attacks
      Positive Thinking Somewhat Helpful
      Talking Somewhat Helpful
      Sometimes talking with someone that is understanding can help bring the level of anxiety down but it has not ever been able to completely stop it.
      Writing Somewhat Helpful
      sometimes if I write it can be helpful.
    • Open Bereavement
      Type: Loss of a Partner/Spouse

      I have lost a lot of people- but the two most difficult were my soul-mate Tina (to suicide) and my Grandma (2/12/09) who I watched die slowly over a 30 hour period of time. I miss her HORRIBLY

      Treatments

      Crying Somewhat Helpful
      Getting Angry Somewhat Helpful
      Grief Counseling Working / Worked
      I have gone to a peer-run support group for loss to suicide- I found this very helpful
      Helping Others Somewhat Helpful
      Keeping Busy Somewhat Helpful
      Music Somewhat Helpful
      Pets Somewhat Helpful
      Poetry Somewhat Helpful
      Prayer Too Soon to Tell
      Psychotherapy Working / Worked
      just feel like I am being clinically analyzed and not understood- especially about the loss of my soul-mate.
      Remembering Too Soon to Tell
      Hurts too much right now to remember- hard to say if this will some day help or not
      Support from Friends & Family Somewhat Helpful
      Support Groups Working / Worked
      Talking Working / Worked
      Time Too Soon to Tell
    • Open Degenerative Disc Disease

      I had a fall down a flight of stairs on March 27, 2009 that hurt my back (as well as many other things)- after over a month of pain so bad that the doctor has been giving me oxycontin for it, they sent me for an mri and it showed two herniated discs (right about the hip- so just about every position you can imagine is painful) the mri also showed spondylosis, facet joint arthritis, other discs that were well on their way to herniating also- and they only did the sacral, lumbar, lower thoracic

    • Open Miscarriage

      i was repeatedly raped by one of the sons of the woman I was staying with and got pregnant. When the pastor found out, the men all beat me to a bloody mess and someone stuck a needle in me with something in it (no idea what- just that it knocked me out for a long time. When I came too, there was blood every where, and they had placed the dead baby on my belly, and they painted whore across my belly in my own blood

      Treatments

      Grief Counseling Not Working
      There were so many unusual circumstances around the mis-carriage that no one could understand the dynamics that were going on in the cult (they portrayed themselves as an independant, fundamental, Pentecostal church" until they have their hooks into you, then their true colors.
      Psychotherapy Somewhat Helpful
      Once I found a counselor that had experience in dealing with ex-cult members (cult survivors is really a better term), she was able to help with a lot of different issues, but I never mentioned the pregnancy and mis-carraige----I was threatened with all kinds of things if I talked about it- including threatening to kill me.
    • Open Rape

      I was attacked and raped by a man while I was out taking pics on the bike path behind my building (the path runs through 5 towns, through our complex, through the narrow band of woods between us and the hospital, I was taking photos and the man came up behind me, slammed my head into the tree 3 times, raped me. he had a knife-only reason I survived was cuz I kicked him in his privates as he stood up, got him so hard he doubled over and dropped to the ground, giving me a chance to get away.

      Treatments

      Talking Somewhat Helpful
      I am still healing from the physical wounds, including a rather nasty concussion- and having to piece together bits of memory because of the head trauma.
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