1/9/07, It is 2:23 a.m. meaning …
1/9/07, It is 2:23 a.m. meaning it is another sleepless night. I still have trouble believing that I developed …
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Vicsta 
6:51pm Wednesday
Today (actually this past week) I have felt so strongly that I am so tired of life. I am tired of fighting my health issues and the affect they have on my life. I hate my lack of independence and my financial worries. I hate that even when I realise what I could do with my life (e.g. go back to studying and train in counselling part time) I find myself blocked by the lack of energy, meaning I cannot work and study, so I have no money to pay for courses. It's so frustrating and demoralising.
I feel angry that my life is causing me to have additional issues with anxiety - that I never had before. I feel eaten up with worry, sick to my stomach... and I know that that is not me. That if I didn't have all these health problems and could work, and earn a living, I would not be this anxious. It's so upsetting to watch your life flashing by and be incapable of living it... to know that you have to depend on people all the time.
I just feel very helpless right now and sad... and angry I guess... I try very hard to be a positive person, but sometimes I think that it's an almost impossible feat. Like me trying to climb a mountain with only a pair of flimsy sandals on. I have spent years trying to present a positive/happy face to everyone and I can see this year, that it is starting to break down. I can't pretend I am happy anymore.
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I feel like I am listening to an echo of my own negative thoughts over the past few weeks when I read this entry. You are not alone in feeling this way.
My mind races ahead with all these ways of making my life better, and I just can't swing it...mental inertia, muscle weakness, low morale, headaches, crippling anxiety, exercise intolerance, crippling poverty. I also feel furious that everyone else seems to do things so easily and every step I take is this ridiculously difficult undertaking. I guess I am just feeling fed up that every part of my life is just so very, very hard right now.
Like you said, this is not me. I was always a can-do person, not a whiner and shirker. Now I am living the life of a ninety-year-old, if you can call it life. These are the times we sick people need each other, don't hesitate to message me any time. I will understand. It helps to know you are not the only person with these issues.
Sometimes I feel like a hungry, lonely old dog chained in the yard while everyone is in the house eating big meals and having all kinds of fun.
Helpless and powerless really sucks.
RichieD
Yes with you on this one...I have always been positive..in fact that has worked against me when I have seen doctors. But I do understand a bit how you feel. I am 59 and have 'lived, worked and raised a family'. You are a young woman who should not be denied any opportunities, yet this illness is denying you the experience.
I wish I could help you, am wondering why so many of us are experiencing so much pain lately.
You have so much to offer and I am so sorry and hope that life brightens a bit for you soon.
Thinking of you.
Jen x
JenCG
Yep we have all been there, feeling just like you are now. Its amazing that some of us are still going. Our life does seem to came to a stand still. I remember my first time, I also wished my life would just end. I have never been a positive person so with this TN it made it worse. I still can not belive I am still going.Its been four months now and I have been pain free. Like you to find a job is not easy. Like you I have big money problems, and could lose my home anyday now. But you know I have somehow calm down. They can take it, its not important anymore as their is more to life . My husband and I will just start again. I am 54 so not young anymore. But I get a little money from Job Seekers every two weeks. I now and again work at the charity shop, voluntary. I also go to Condition Mangement Programe which is a great help. They teach you on how to manger. I have also enroled to do a computer course as I need training in some other sort of work. It can be done in ones own time, and it cost £20 if you not employed. As long as you go in one day for 4 hours a day. But I am still looking for work, not even sure if I am going to cope or manage, but I am trying. If you are still in pain your doctor should give you a sick certificate and you take it to job centre and you will get paid out something every two weeks. Have a chat to your doctor. Also ask job centre if they can help you as you need advice and help. That is what I did. I still have along way to go but I have to just hope and pray that things will came right.
I also no I am pain fee at the moment so its easy, and if the TN comes back, I will just go back to my doctor to get another sick certicate, that is all that one can do. As when you have to go on more medication the tablets do make one so lifeless. But just like me take one day at a time. Its really hard but we all have to keep trying. God Bless.
fiddle
Vicky, we are all with you. Life spent in pain, depression, isolation and concerned with how we are surviving financially day to day is not a life that is easily lived. It is probably no consellation that I do understand. And you have my support always and 'ear' if you want it. It's so hard when you want to do something positive - such as your counselling course, but are in too pain / fatigued or can't justify the money spent to be able to do it. And anger is perfectly natural. You are angry that you WANT to do things, but are not able to, through no fault of your own.
I feel so similar. You know my situation. One thing I can say though is that you don't have to put on that act of happiness. Allow yourself to show how you feel, so that those around you at home can support you more. Don't let it engulf you, but agknowledge it. It may not make the pain/fatigue or money worries go, but it may help the way you can cope with it. Just the knowledge that it's not that secret may make things more bearable. xxxx
CLErical1
I can relate to everything everyone is saying here too. 10 yrs of TN/ON/AD & Fibro has been taxing on my entire family. That is why I hate to complain too much as I hate to put any further burden on them. I will say that I have always tried to be a positive person but the fatigue and pain has really supressed that. My husband leans towards being more negative but he's been a real trooper in supporting me. He tends toward being very stable and doesn't over react or become too dramatic (like I do :(... family trait). This helps me to focus on the facts and not become an emotional basket case. "The two really have become one" and complement each others strengths and weaknesses.
I just wanted to encourage you too stay the fight. Don't let it defeat you. God has plans that we are not always aware of but look for opportunities and blessings in disguise. I have had some amazing things happen along the way that I would never have experienced had this disease not overtake my life.(I'm NOT saying the disease is a blessing, can't go that far :) I agree with the others here that say you don't' have to always put up a strong face to the world. Sometimes just being real with your friends and family will blow you away with their responses. The continual outpouring of love and support from my friends, family & doctors has been humbling and overwhelming to me at times. Some give up and don't really want to know, "how are You?", when they ask so I spare them but those who really love me are ultimately there for me when I need them! OVER AND OVER AND OVER again !! I've also had people tell me that the way I have lived this out has been an encouragement to them because I never give up. That helps me because I often feel like I've been defeated by it and that is shows all over my life and face. I'm glad that the times that I'm not defeated by it (dispite being in constant pain) shows and is helpful to others. Another thing that I find to be a blessing is that my children have learned to be compassionate people and sensitive to others rather than totally self absorbed like so many other kids (and adults).
Praying for your healing and strength to your soul... :)
Amy
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