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lisae72 
Well, I have always heard that writing your feelings down sometimes helps you to see things more clearly as well as giving you an outlet for your emotions.So,I guess I will give it a shot.I used to love to write but after the chemo,my brain just don't do what it used to.I honestly think I lost about 50 IQ points.
I have tried many times to put a name to the way I feel since the breast cancer diagnosis.I guess the hardest part has been the changes in me.I gained 40 pounds,I have short hair now for the first time in many years and of course losing my breasts and now having silicone.I hate having this extra weight on me and it's so darn hard to get it off cause I took alot of medicines that cause weight gain.I am very self consiuos now.Don't get me wrong,I am glad to be alive and cancer free but I had so many changes all at once that I have a hard time coping with them all.My personality even changed.I'm not sure if that's from the cancer or the Effexor.I have a really hard time with anger and I was never like that in my life.I have no patience whatsover and if somebody makes me mad,they are out of my life for good.Life is too short to let people run all over you.I was always a people person,now not so much.All the friends from before the cancer bolted fast.Thank goodness for my husband and my kids.We have been married almost 20 years and he has treated me like a queen.I've got one of the good ones.I couldn't ask for a better man,he is truly my soul mate.You know when a man pulls your panties down so you can use the restroom and empties those nasty drains after the mastectomy that he loves you with all his heart.His goal is always for me and the kids to be happy.He stays home with us.I have told him that I don't mind if he goes out with friends but he says he is happy being with us.Of course,our love life has slowed down alot but he never pressures me or complains and says he would wait for me forever.My grandparents were married 63 years and they are our role models.We got married when I was 17 so I had alot of growing up to do,I'm just glad he understood.I trust him with my very life.I am also blessed with great kids.Macy is 16 and a junior in high school.She helps me cook dinner everyday and does her laundry.Her grades are good and she plans on being a nurse.Brandon is 10 and the light of my life.He always asks if he can help with anything.They both have great manners and respect for others.Both of them went to spend the night with friends tonight and I am so lost.I feel like my name is Momma instead of Lisa lol.We moved back in with my Mom and brother.They are both disabled so they need me.Sometimes,I feel pressured by that but I do what I can.I have become closer to my Mom lately,have been working at it.There are alot of "demons" to overcome there,I'm trying.I worry about my brother.He is addicted to narcotics and we have to keep our meds locked up or he will steal them.Rehab hasn't worked and I fear for his future.He is only 24 and he is mentally slow.My main problem has been my inability to work anymore.I worked since I was 14 and I really miss it.I was approved for my SSDI so at least I have income but I get so bored sometimes.I do still have days that I am hurting and have to stay in bed,I hate that but have no choice.I always try to cook a hot dinner for Johnny and the kids.I have DDD and herniated discs in my neck and fibromyalgia so I have to take things slow so I don't get the pain started.I take Oxycontin and Hydrocodone but sometimes they don't even work.Well,my gorgeous hubby is taking me out to eat so guess I will write more later.
