Journal

I CAN certainly be a huge bum..and just sit around the house and feel bad..which is what WAS happening to me...before I changed my sleeping patterns..and a few other items..but, other than that..I think that I am doing a bit better!

 I did gain some weight..but, I am working on walking and trying to get rid of the weight..and trying to enjoy what is  around me!..i.e. the scenery and stuff!

I have been lately on a particular blog..which is facebook..and I had connected to past classmates and such..but, there were some that I had tried to write to and I just could NOT get them to write me back! It began to really hurt my feelings..and (during this time, I was NOT sleeping at night..so, perhaps this is why I would get severly depressed..I don't really know..but, that's what I think..because horomonely I think that I am all messed up and stuff, from the lack of sleep! I was also supposed to get my period and I have NOT even gotten it yet! I am stunned that it hasn't happened..it's late..and before you think that I "might" be pregnant..no...sorry! I know that I am definitely NOT! LOL!)

But, back to the first paragraph in my update...as I have mentioned there were people that I had written to ..who have NOT written back to me..and I guess that personally it's really kind of made me angry.! I was sooo miffed by the fact that even a former neighbor won't write back to let me know how her sister(one of my former friends) is doing...I had had a falling out with my neighbors' sister..when I was about twelve and then, when I was older, ..she still wanted NOTHING to do with me!  She would make fun of me..while she was with these other girls whom I never knew. around where we used to live, and also in a drama class that we used to be in !!.I was just totally made fun of..and it hurt me so much! I thought..well, maybe, just maybe "the water is UNDER the bridge"..and I can say hi, thru her sister..so , I wrote her a letter..but, apparently her sister has NOT answered me back! I guess it must be on purpose..because it has been OVER a month..(I think.).and my former friend's sister had written to me a while back..but, now, forget it!! SHe has also been on facebook many times.,since the time that I have written to her,.and just totally ignored me!

I guess, that when people DUMP you, they mean business, although, I had assumed that there MIGHT be a chance that I would at least get one letter back..but, I wasn't sure. *Cocks head to the side...with a questioning look* ?!!!!!!

I guess that I just can't go around thinking too much that the person WILL write back or WILL want to reconnect with me!! I hope for too much I think!!

But, I never give up!! (Even if it leads to NOTHING!)

I had gotten way in over my head about being totally UPSET about NOT getting emails back from people...and I was getting so upset that it was rapidly turning into depression issues for me...plus, with no sleep..I was a disaster waiting to happen!!

I am just going to have to ignore some of the people who are ignoring me...(which hurts...a LOT!) I wanted so badly to connect..but, then again..I have to be honest..that a part of me could have cared less too, and that was right before I joined facebook!!!)

I partially want to see and talk to my former classmates..but, I also don't really want to get snubbed either! I have grown more and more sensitive about stuff..and I have forgotten to wear my thick skin..so that I won't be harmed!

I have also been thinking that people(such as my former classmates would WANT to REconnect..but, perhaps they don't want to, at all!

I also write about people(with no names on my facebook blogs) about former classmates who I could NOT stand after meeting them in person, right before I left California...I deleted those posts..because I thought that perhaps my former classmates might be pissed off with me, for writing that stuff..(I mentioned NO names..but, that these folks were about the rudest folks with whom I have had to get to meet!!)

Do you think that I should Not be posting these types of blogs on the blog area of facebook? why or why not?

I was going to post a smidge here about my diabetes..I think that I might be doing a little better, regarding my sleeping patterns and more..I will write later on..I have to go for now!

Talk to you all later!

luvscoco99

Look I am gonna be honest here...I am pissed off..and really, really pissed off!!

*&&^%$#@$$%**&&%%$$#@&&**((!!@@###~^&*((!%@#%&(&#%^&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I  am sooo NOT kidding here...

I found out that my hubby's eldest daughter who WAS doing okay with her three kids for a while..is NOW doing drugs, with her boyfriend..and more than she was before..and NOW the state where she is living took her children!

We are maybe gonna have to "adopt" the kids! FUCK!!!

I am really  distraught..because THIS  should NOT be happening at all!

This is SOOO UNFAIR!!!

God must hate us or something..otherwise I just do not have HIM figured out yet!!!

Man!! This has literally made me so GODDAMN angry..I ended up with two bloody noses today!!

I am leaving tomarrow to deal with a hearing that this "woman"(my hubby's eldest kid) is gonna have to go thru!!

I don't know if she REALLY gives a hoot or not..ya know? She is doing drugs..and from what I have gone thru with other addicts..they could honestly NOT give a damn!!!

I am sorry..but, I am just really NOT havin' it..NOPE!! I do NOT care WHO you are..if you lie to me, steal from me..YOU are SOOO GONEEE!!! I have NO NOTHING for you, at all, it's been totally tapped out by you!!!

I don't plan to be a nice person to those who have been affected by drugs..they can just eat shit...and leave me the hell alone!!!

I am sorry..but,the way that I view this..is that now hubby and I are gonna have to deal with this...I am hoping that hubby's daughter's kids can stay with their other grandpa...But, I have no idea...

Man! She sure as hell messed up her own damn life!!

Please excuse my anger.and rage..but, I am worried ,scared(that we might have to adopt these kids) and that our life is gonna fall apart because of it!!) and I wanted the life that I got with my "new" hubby and schweetie!

I am just really, really scared and worried..and I needed another place to vent!!

If I have possibly offended you..I was not trying to..I am not a "happy camper!" and right now I cannot just "Get Over It!"....I do NOT know what is gonna happen yet..we are gonna leave tomarrow to deal with this shit!!

I just hope that it gets settled..that's all I can say..and that WE  do NOT have to take the kids!!

Thats' all...Otherwise you would probably read more with me yelling,  screaming and throwing stuff!!

I hate that this woman has lied to her father..is hooked on some drugs(we just found out MORE info tonight  on the phone, by her step-dad,) and I really think that she has been lying up the wazoo left and right to GET HER WAY or ELSE!!!

Well, anyhow..I am just UNhappy at this writing..so, if I come out with a LOT more swearing..you will know how angry I am right now!!

I am sooo UNhappy..and I want her to get her shit totally and finally  together..but, I guess that that ain't gonna happen...her kids will be adopted by somebody in the family or out..and she will be refused to be able to see them..more than likely!!

What a huge waste of family and a whole human being...

I gotta say that having lived with alcoholics and more..I am NOT havin' it..and I also used to tell those damn alcoholics where they could stuff themselves too!!

(I  really think that people who do the drugs..should SUFFER,

I also think that people who do crimes to others..should DEEPLY suffer as well...and they should get to actually "Feel" what they have done to harm the ones that they harmed or killed!!

Why should the victims have to be victims? and why should the families and friends,  co-workers ,neighbors and more have to suffer because of these acts of hatred and violence?)

I  do NOT have ANY remorse in what I have just stated...I loathe those who hurt, and harm or depress or oppress others!! They need to just shut the hell up and stop the whining!!

(OH yeah, like I feel sorry for you.NOOOOOOoooo I don't THINK so!!!!)

Go with me now...angry ranting...if you need to ,chime in with me...it might truly help!!

talk to ya later...luvscoco99

Oh, it's just moi' again!

But, I am NOT doing all that wonderful...I am eating stuff that raises the sugars..to about 241 or higher..(and yeah..I know this is BAAAD!!!)

I figure that if I do not eat..or eat a LOT less...as in smaller meals..and walk more..maybe I will NOT have those super high sugars..and I will actually lose some weight! But, the last time that I lost a good deal of weight..and more importantly..I lowered the sugars...I practically starved myself!

Also, my schedule is all OFF! I do NOT eat breakfast when it is breakfast.or lunch...and or dinner time..and I can't always sleep..and forget about having meds that HELP you to sleep...those meds make me feel REALLY, REALLY pooped!! I hate that!!

I do NOT want to be this zombie..walking around feeling so damn lethargic that I cannot lift my head up any more!! ARRRRGH!!

(I have a med that I ONLY take for EXTREME emergency purposes...but, I really would prefer NOT to have it..because it makes me sooo sleepy that the next AM I feel like I still cannot wake up!!!)

But, with regards to the "schedule" thingy...for us diabetics..I HATE and LOATHE schedules...WHY, WHY, WHY!!! Must I be on a stupid schedule..damn it!!( *stomp, stomp, stomp!!!*)

I want to eat and sleep when I say so..NOT because of this damn disease!!

I also want to be able to eat what I want to...NOT because this disease is RULING over moi'!!!!

*&^%$%$)@#@# diabetes!! Sheeesh!!!

(cuss, swear, or as my old best friend and I used to say(and she sort of made this up for us to say when we would get pissed off(LOL!!) was S.F.A.D.! (Shit, Fuck, Ass, Damn!!!) LOL!!

It helped...for when we were sooo upset and sooo damn angry...and things were NOT working out for us..that is what We would say!! S.F.A.D.!!!!

It helped...let me just add that!! lol!!

I am angry at this writing..because I have also been told bymy hubby NOT to go and spend my money any more as well!

I want to sooooo badly..and I do not think that I am going to be able to anymore...(I will be put on a budget..because I OVER spent some much needed money...some from family..and well, now I cannot pay for certain things..and hubby has to take it out of HIS account..and he is already paying child support among several other things..and tonight I said to him that I NEED to spend money..and so he asked me why?

I didn't really have a GREAT answer..so I said that I would have to "get back to him" about that...but, later I told him that I feel better when I go out and spend the money..and he told me that if I felt that way..that I needed to go and get myself a job!! Shit!!

(I cannot sponge off of him any more...I know..I am sooo awful...I know!!) Okay..so, Yeah, there is an "evil" me...sometimes...and sometimes..the stubborn part of me takes over also with my O.C.D and makes this a LOT harder for me to deal with the correct way!! Like I said before...S.F.A.D.!!! LOL!!)

Sorry..I am sort of down tonight..but, I am thinking seriously of getting a job...so that I can spend my money in ways that I want to!! and I will not have a snubby hubby breathing down my neck about money!!! LOL!!

Talk to ya later....I really need to grow the bleep up! I know!!

Waaaah!!!

luvscoco99 {Who is feeling kinda depressed right about now!! }