Journal

Today I celebrate 25 yrs of sobriety. I don't see the numbers but the personal changes that made within myself through out the process.

I remember saying to my therapist "When  am I going to get there? She says me where is there? I did not know. And today I am not there yet.  What I  realize now is when I stop growing emotionally and spiritually.  The "there" is when I pass over.

I started drinking at the age of 25 up to 39 yrs old. I survived to drink thru out the marriage. The reason I drank was to kill the pain of my past and being in a domestic abuse marriage.

I did not drink to be happy or being the life of a party. It added to my numbness. The first 39 yrs of my life I lived in a land of frozen tundra and shut down so I did'nt have to feel. So the past 25 yrs I am thawing out those parts of me that needs to be healed.

At some point I said to my therapist.  That she gave me hope. Because she cared. I had her crying.  But I never had anyone who really care about me.  That was a huge healing piece for me......

( this is to be continued )

From the time I was born and til I was 14 yrs old dealing with being hearing impaired.  People had to yell in order for me to hear. Well for most people its hard to keep a conversation by yelling.  I was more or less a loner. I am sure I develop PTSD.during those years.   I had surgery at the age 7 having tonsils and adnoids. That did not do a thing.

I was teased and bullied through out  the 1st grade  thru 6th grade. Because I was different and  being called deaf and dumb. School was a nightmare for me.

During those years I was taken to horse doctors. I would end up with ear infections because they poke and giving me ear washes.....which did not do a thing.

When I was about 11 yrs old.  The medical field was experimenting radaition treatments on people thyroids.  I went thru a series of treatments behind my ears . Which did not do a thing.

I had moved to a different school. The school nurse had told my parents that something need to be done with my hearing. The Nurse connected me to March of Dimes. The ENT doc removed my  adnoids. About 2 weeks later. I was walking down the driveway to catch the  school bus. It was as though someone had turned the volume up. The first thing I heard was a black bird on a wire.. It was awesome hearing sounds that I had not heard before. So the first time around the doctor did not remove all the adnoids. Very sad and it was something simple.

I am grateful that the school nurse cared. My parents neglected to do anything regarding my hearing.

20 years later  the medical field came out saying people who went thru those radiation treatments were experiencing cancer.  My family doc now reassured me that the treatments did was behind the ears and mostly a boney mass. Not sure about that.........

my story will be continued.