lupiefuen's Journal

Well, I am so tired all of the time.  It just seems to get worse and I have always been the strong one.  Always able to do and get everything done.  I am at the point now where I feel I am going to just have to let go and give up fighting.  I can't keep up with everything anymore.  I have a 40 hour job... Thank GOD for Family Medical Leave.  I just can't seem to be there everyday.  I have had so much pain lately in my legs, my back, my headaches have gotten worse.  Noise seems to bother me so much.  I have had fevers almost constantly, my face is always red.  I have mouth sores, hardly any appetite, I am really tired of holding it all in, I just can't seem to let any of my family know how really sick and scared I am.  I just feel like I will be letting them down.  I know that sounds really stupid, but it's hard for me to understand, I can't imagine any one of my family members understanding.  My husband will talk about it with me but he really is not going to believe that I have lupus until I get diagnosed.  He is in denial.  I thought I should be the one in denial, and I just want a diagnosis, so that I can be treated.  My mom was diagnosed with MS in 1990.  She was in denial, refused treatment, and passed away in Jan 2003.  I do not want to go that route.  I want to take care of myself as best I can, so that I can still be here when my sons are grown.  I have a fifteen year old and a fifteen month old.  I just can't imagine myself not being here for them.  I could go on and on for days, but I will quit now, because my hands are tired of typing.  I would really rather just yell.  Love to all, and GOD BLESS...