msoy's Journal

Hi mommy and daddy, tomorrow is Thanksgiving and Christmas is just around the corner, and I have fallen apart.  I can't do this, I cannot celebrate the holidays without you guys.  No one understands how difficult this is for me.  No one comprehends all that you have taught me throughout the years.  I guess maybe because I am the only daughter, grew up being your little helper throughout the holidays, at some point I became your equal and then the last few years, you became my little helper, mommy.  I grew up and witnessed first hand all the work; and love you put into preparing for the holidays.  You loved us so much and tried to make everything so perfect for us.  The holidays were just so special, more special because I knew all that you did.  When you passed away mommy, I so tried to continue the traditions as you had done them for so long.  I continued the tradition for daddy, I know he appreciated all that I did, even though it was never the same without you.  Now daddy is gone, and I feel I have no one to continue the traditions for.

I know Mark and Vince tolerate all the tradition, at least that is how I feel.  They never knew how much work was involved or the love you put into everything, I don't think they could ever grasp the entire concept, nor do their families.  My husband didn't have the closeness, the love and tradition growing up, and only started to realize how special it was for me, then daddy died, and a large part of me died as well.  Mommy, a huge part died with you, and now I don't have either one of you, I have my son, and I so want to have him appreciate the traditions, but I just don't think it will ever happen.  The two shinning examples are gone, and Zack is way to young to even remember the two short years he got to spend with daddy, and he only has pictures of you mommy.  It is so not fair that the perfect example of unconditional love and committment is gone and my son will never, ever experience that.  Don't get me wrong, he does have his daddy and me, and his two Uncles and their families, but it will never come close to the love and examples you two have set.  It is just not fair.  Zack is left with two very selfish, self centered grandparents and their two spouses, and I just cannot handle him being exposed to that, but unfortunatly I cannot keep him from seeing his grandparents, that is if they can pencil him in at some point.  Life is so unfair, but unfortunatly, thats life.

To top everything off, today its 9 mos since daddy's tragic accident, and it is just hurting real bad right now.  Things just are not good, I just want all the holidays to be over, but I cannot deprive my son some joys this holiday season.  He is my life; my light and I will do anything I can possibly do for him, but unfortunatly I cannot make him eat, and drink his milk from anything other than a bottle!!!!  He is 32 mos old and still drinks his milk from a bottle.  I have taken his morning bottle away and if he drinks 2 - 4 oz of milk, that is pushing it!!  Yet at daycare he drinks no problem.  Well he will be home until Monday, so I feel like he will be deprived of his milk again.  Such frustration there!!!

Well I must leave now, I have to go to the "big store" to pick up a few things, and of course Zack will get some sort of truck or car, then I have to make some of your stuffing and a butterscotch pie for tomorrow.  We are going to Mark's, and well, nothing will ever be the same again.  I love you guys and I am missing you both so much more right now, you both know that drill, and yes it does suck.  At least I can be happy in my belief that the two of you are together and you will be watching over us, I hope we make you proud.  You have set the standard too high to ever attain, but I will try, I promise.  I love you always and forevo!!!!!