nannyp's Journal

Kristen has been asking me about some clothes she is missing.  I told her I could not find them, but Friday morning I found a bag out in the garage with the clothes she wanted in it.  I called her at work that day and told her I had them and to let me know how she wanted to get them.  She called that night to talk to the kids and then asked me if she could come over.  I said "to get the clothes" and she said "well that too, but I really miss you guys".  I agreed to let her come over and see the kids "for a minute".  Well, she did come and left about 3 -4 hours later.  I think that I just really needed to talk to her too.  Even though my health issues may be nothing, they have made me start thinking about what if it is something and I might not be around for very long.  She spent alot of time with the kids.  Devan was in heaven and Alyssa was happy for a while, but then all she wanted was me.  I know that hurts K feelings, but I warned them about this.  It's been 2 years and I told them "it may be too late and we may all be gone when you are finally ready to come back into their lives".  She dealt with it ok.  She brought out a book that I made for her a few years ago.  I took alot of pics from her childhood and kind of put them in chronilogical order in a photo album.  She got it out and had us look at it with her and kept going on about how both kids look so much like her.  There was also a poem that I put at the begining of the book about enjoying your children because they will be gone before you know it.  She says she really liked that poem.  I could go on and on about everything she discussed.  She got into her recovery situation a little bit and it seems that they have put her back on suboxone which is what I sent her to treatment for back in January.  She asked if I was mad about that and I said"I'm not mad, but you know you can not stay on that for the rest of your life".  She told me a little bit about her living situation.  It seems she is not living with Jon although they spend alot of time together and share a car.  She is living with some guy she works with and is paying him rent!!! That is a surprise.  As the night went on she wanted to get into the subject of what happened the day that we had it out and I sent her away.  She feels she did everything we asked and then we thru her out and forced her back into a bad situation with J.  I feel that she did not keep up her end of the bargain and I asked her to leave and find another clean place to live.  She said "we never had the cops involved before" and I said, "I will never let you put your hands on me again".  She talked about having to pay to see her kids and that she would rather give me the money instead and that she had been given unsupervised visits and I took that away.  She talked about her and J and I never understand that relationship.  She says "I love him, but I don't think we can raise kids together" and "I'm glad he went to treatment, but now I can't use that as an excuse to stay away from him"??  I did tell her about my health situation.  I told her it may be nothing, but it could be bad and that they need to get it together for the kids.  I dont think I can do chemo and raise these two kids.  She cried and said she was sorry for taking this time away from me and she hugged me.  Once again, she said and did everything right, but I can tell she is trying to get back into my home and I can't let that happen.  I told her that I was sorry, but that by helping her I felt that we were hurting her.  I think it is good to stay out of it and let her grow up (finally).  It all ended good.  I think that as her mom, I just really needed to share what was going on withme.  I worry about it alot and I love her and want her to be there if I need her.  I hope and pray everyday for the return of my loving daughter.