Journal

Kristen has been asking me about some clothes she is missing.  I told her I could not find them, but Friday morning I found a bag out in the garage with the clothes she wanted in it.  I called her at work that day and told her I had them and to let me know how she wanted to get them.  She called that night to talk to the kids and then asked me if she could come over.  I said "to get the clothes" and she said "well that too, but I really miss you guys".  I agreed to let her come over and see the kids "for a minute".  Well, she did come and left about 3 -4 hours later.  I think that I just really needed to talk to her too.  Even though my health issues may be nothing, they have made me start thinking about what if it is something and I might not be around for very long.  She spent alot of time with the kids.  Devan was in heaven and Alyssa was happy for a while, but then all she wanted was me.  I know that hurts K feelings, but I warned them about this.  It's been 2 years and I told them "it may be too late and we may all be gone when you are finally ready to come back into their lives".  She dealt with it ok.  She brought out a book that I made for her a few years ago.  I took alot of pics from her childhood and kind of put them in chronilogical order in a photo album.  She got it out and had us look at it with her and kept going on about how both kids look so much like her.  There was also a poem that I put at the begining of the book about enjoying your children because they will be gone before you know it.  She says she really liked that poem.  I could go on and on about everything she discussed.  She got into her recovery situation a little bit and it seems that they have put her back on suboxone which is what I sent her to treatment for back in January.  She asked if I was mad about that and I said"I'm not mad, but you know you can not stay on that for the rest of your life".  She told me a little bit about her living situation.  It seems she is not living with Jon although they spend alot of time together and share a car.  She is living with some guy she works with and is paying him rent!!! That is a surprise.  As the night went on she wanted to get into the subject of what happened the day that we had it out and I sent her away.  She feels she did everything we asked and then we thru her out and forced her back into a bad situation with J.  I feel that she did not keep up her end of the bargain and I asked her to leave and find another clean place to live.  She said "we never had the cops involved before" and I said, "I will never let you put your hands on me again".  She talked about having to pay to see her kids and that she would rather give me the money instead and that she had been given unsupervised visits and I took that away.  She talked about her and J and I never understand that relationship.  She says "I love him, but I don't think we can raise kids together" and "I'm glad he went to treatment, but now I can't use that as an excuse to stay away from him"??  I did tell her about my health situation.  I told her it may be nothing, but it could be bad and that they need to get it together for the kids.  I dont think I can do chemo and raise these two kids.  She cried and said she was sorry for taking this time away from me and she hugged me.  Once again, she said and did everything right, but I can tell she is trying to get back into my home and I can't let that happen.  I told her that I was sorry, but that by helping her I felt that we were hurting her.  I think it is good to stay out of it and let her grow up (finally).  It all ended good.  I think that as her mom, I just really needed to share what was going on withme.  I worry about it alot and I love her and want her to be there if I need her.  I hope and pray everyday for the return of my loving daughter.

Well, I got the results of my CT scan and I am not real sure if the results are that good.  There is definetly something there, but they do not really suspect cancer.  They say it is not scarring of the lung either.  They think it might just be some inflamation so they are putting me on antibiotics for awhile and then we will do another CT.  But, in the CT scan they also found a tumor on my adrenal gland. ??  They think it may be nothing also, but when we do the next CT scan in a couple of months, they are going to look at that again.  I guess to see if it is growing or changing or something.  I guess I won't know anything for sure for another couple of months.  Bio dad entered treatment on Monday.  He calls the kids everynight from there.  My gs has been real emotional this week.  I am not sure if it has anything to do with it or not.  He cried over a movie on Tuesday (Air Bud)?? and he cried over my husband accidentally pouring his fish in a hole by the creek instead of in the creek on Wed.  I am wondering if he is getting nervous that after dad completes treatment, that he will have to go home with them.  I asked him on Tues about a few things.  He had visitation with Mom that night.  I told him that hopefully Mommy was still clean too.  He said "I don't know, I heard Mommy ask Daddy, Did you get it?"  I just don't think he trusts or believes in them and as much as he says he wants them all to be together again, I think he is scared to death of it.  Which I believe he has every right to be scared.  If they do get them back, they are going to have to be very understanding with these kids.  We will see.

I have not written in awhile and felt like I needed to today.  A week ago my doctors office called and stated that they had detected something on my lungs.  Today I go for a CT scan to see what it is.  We think it is probably just scarring from all my years of smoking, but we will see.  The word cancer comes to mind quite often, but I don't think that is what it is.  We will see.  I hope not, because I don't think I can raise these kids and go thru cancer treatment too.  Bio Dad entered treatment yesterday.  We will see what comes of that.  My personal opinion is that they are trying to do what the court ordered in order to get the kids back, but then will resume their druggy behaviors.  Thinking that they can control it enough that no one will know.  I could be wrong and I hope that I am.  I have tried to talk to Dev about how he feels about Dad being in treatment and he just agrees with whatever I say, like, "This is a good thing" and "maybe you will be able to be a family again soon".  I don't think he believes in them either.  Met with the school last week about Alyssa.  I think they are wanting to label her as Autistic and I am just not completely convinced that is the case.  We went over everything with the school psychologist and someone who is supposed to be an expert (autism) for the schools.  Next week I meet with the teacher and the psychologist to discuss their plans for Alyssa for next year.  We will see.  I will also keep following up with the college psychologist dept that I went to for evaluation.  It does not hurt to get a couple of opinions.   We shall see in the next couple of weeks how everything goes.