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UnbrokenAmanda 
Hi. I decided to write today to just lay it all out. Though my growing up was rough and has much to do with why I am the way I am, there has been other influence. I'll start with what weighs on my mind the most.
I am married for the second time. Fear is one thing that holds me back for sure. Uncertanty of the future, and afraid I'll end up the throw away once again. I hate lying, because I was lied to most of my life. I hate fake people who pretend to be my friend, or act like they care about me. People who judge me totally piss me off. So do I have anger issues yes. I fear my fears will drive away my husband, my family and my friends. I lost some very important people in my life because of my quick tounge. Also because they didn't support my reasons for wanting my divorce, though they had no clue what I had been going through. My biggest faults is not thinking before I speak, and my rage. Though I am too honest. I care too much about others. I care too much what others think of me and my family.
When my first husband killed himself, I felt a part of me died with him. The "loving and trusting" part. I want it back. Hell, sometimes I want him back, even if for the moment to tell him how sorry I was for my part in his depression and anger. Though we both made the choices to hurt eachother, we both realized we still loved eachother too late. I was in no way going to put myself or my kids well being at risk again. Though every part of me wanted to make it better I knew I couldn't fix eight years of mistrust and deception. ((on his part)) When I "found" him dead hanging in the shower, I wanted to slit my wrists and die with him. even though I didn't want him as a husband anymore I always knew I still needed him in my life, not just for our kids. The I got to thinking about them. Even though I wanted to die too, they needed me now. It wasn't rational thinking by any means. I sat there on the ground outside the apartment building he died in and wept, and I didn't stop crying for days, weeks! I am not sure if I turned my grief into anger, but sometimes I have to wonder.
Next my self image. Or lack of one. I hate my body, my face, everything....I look in the mirror and it makes me sick. Yes I have even heaved at the sight of myself. So much I am determined at this rate to get my look back. I had it for a while, the unhealthy way. I know it's bad, but it's the only thing that works. No matter what and no matter what length. My friends tell me not to, but they don't live inside my head, nor do they listen to my hubby comment on other girls I know are even attainable for him. I wonder sometimes why he's even with me.
My kids, my friends and my family are my only joys in life. I have a beautiful infant daughter whom like my sons is everthing to me. I want to be healthy body and mind, but am not sure where to start.
