today had started out okay unhtil …
today had started out okay unhtil i phoned my boyfriend. i asked him if he wanted to go out for the day, maybe go to …
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xxForgetRegretsxx 
6:49pm, November 1, 2009
I jus wokeup & cant fall bk to sleep, the dream i jus had iz really on my mind. I dreamt tht i waz pregnant, & it really felt like i waz. I had the growing belly, the wobble walk & everything. It felt sooo real & in tht dream i waz happy, very happy. I remember lookin down & seeing my body & rubbing my belly & feelin no pain in the world. My dad didnt kno & looked at me & said "michelle i hope ur not pregnant, cuz u havent had ur period in awhile & ur getting bigger" i jus looked at him and thought "isnt it obvisous, dumbass" & my mom said "michelle u need to tell ur dad about ur pregnancy, u kno tht the baby iz coming soon". It felt soo real, i went to my brother's room where him & hiz friends were wanting to show off my belly, my brother rubbed it but tht waz it. I wokeup & thought to myself "wat the fuck" now i kinda feel tht tht waz the pregnancy i thought i had, bk in march i thought i waz preg by joe but i took a test & it came out negetive. I waz actually very excited about the possiblity of having hiz baby. Even tho all hell wudve broke loose cuz he's 7yrs older then me & my parents had no idea tht i waz with anyone. But still i wudve tooken the emotional beat down & the heart ache of joe possibly not being ther for me & i wudve had tht baby. Call me crzy but im sure im like those girlz who made tht pregnancy pact, i kno if i were to hav a baby ill be more motavited about life & i wud hav someone who will luv me no matter wat. Jus knowing tht my baby luvs me endlessly & doesnt care about how i look & wont judge me makes having a baby soo diserable right now. & i wanted to hav a baby with joe cuz ill alwayz hav a part of him with me, cuz i kno he wasnt gonna be around, thts why tht dream meant so much to me. Jus to see myself sooo happy & with a cute belly jus makes me wish i can hav one right now, with somone i luv, but the only guy i care for iz joe. & ironicly today iz our anniversary, i met joe a year ago today, so yea happy anniversary right.
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Yea tht dream iz still on my mind
xxForgetRegretsxx
Your dream is like a flashback for me. Six years ago when I was 18, I wanted a baby with my fiance. I'd graduated from high school, we'd bought a nice house we'd had built, we were financially ready. We assumed, anyway. I wanted a baby because I wanted us to be a family. I wanted something tangible to prove to the world we were in love. Proof that I had a purpose in this life, and it wasnt just to be fat, or be ugly. I had so much love to give, and I wanted to prove (more to myself than anyone) that I could take something so small, and mold it into something beautiful and intelligent and show my parents and the world that I am good enough. I wanted to show everyone that I am worth the contribution. He and I weren't on the best of terms. Our relationship had dwindled since we'd moved in together. I didn't know until later that he was with another girl for the entire year we lived together. I felt like I was losing him, and losing everything I'd known since I was 15 (and when you're a teenager, that's a long time) If I had my baby, then I'd always have him, and I'd have unconditional love, which is all I wanted, and all that mattered to me. I never stopped to think of how expensive babies are, or how tired I would always be because I'd have to work nonstop to afford a baby, pay 600 a month for child care while I worked, proper medical insurance. The flexibility needed to raise a child wouldn't have been an option with the shift I was already working (7pm-8am). I dont need to tell you anymore as to why I wanted a baby, because you already know. You feel the EXACT same way I did, and you wanted a baby for the same reasons. I never had my baby, and I never married my fiance. I couldnt imagine how different and difficult my life would have been if I'd had her. i wasn't ready, but I didnt know that then.
Life is so hard, it's a constant struggle and beyond stressful. What I wouldn't give to depend on my folks again. One day, you will have the joy of being a Mom, and I know it will be with someone you love, and who loves you deeply. Let that time come on it's own, because when it does, it'll be so worth it. Right now, you're sixteen (So jealous, btw LOL) and this is YOUR time. It's your time to be selfish, and do what you want, make your decisions that will clear the path for the rest of your life. I know this sounds terrible because having a baby is so precious, but a baby would bring you down, and hold you down, for the next 18 years. You should focus on YOU and HAVE FUN while you still can. Being an adult...well, it sucks. Responsibility NEVER stops. Sometimes, it hits me that I'm in my mid 20's...which means I'm close to 30, and OMG when the hell did this happen!?! You will have your chance, it will come in due time. Right now, you have so much to prepare for, and so much to see and do. I used to try and grow up faster than nature had intended, and now I wish I could go back. Basically, without sounding like I'm preaching, you have all the time in the world hun. I would just take it day by day, and eventually time will heal all wounds. Enjoy what you have while you have it, and in a few years, you will be SOOO glad you did! There's nothing wrong with keeping Joe in your heart, so just keep doing what you're doing, and everything will fall in place.
MzBabsie
Thnks lol i waz really expecting suc a grt comment....actually i waznt expecting any but thnks ur right, its jus wen ur lonely feel horrible about urself a baby seems to be the answer lol. Cuz ull alwzys hav the baby ther to keep u company & ull hav the baby ther to need u so ull feel gud tht ur truely wanted.
xxForgetRegretsxx