dortoto's Journal

I hate myself so much atm, ive not exercised in ages and feel like a slob, yes yes im in recovery whatever, i just can't stand this, i know i can change me but ive no energy and i wish i just would get a grip and go for health, i will be able to exercise and i will be able to choose where atm my ed is dictating things, i really just can't believe im thin, i just can not believe it and can not do this at all now, i thought it was doing ok but as it turns out I look round atm, may be water retnention i don't care, i can't do this , i feel so helpless now what on earth will make me stop worrying about what i look like, im not going out much and don't actually go anywhere but the living room so ive got no excuse, im just pathetic, i could do so much and i shouldn't worry going out at all. I want to go to work again and stop this shit, taking care of myself at home is lonely and i feel more helpless, Im just jabbering on, ignore me but i feel like i just want to give in atm and restrict more even though i know it's stupid, and i want to exercise the hell out of myself but i am affraid of a heart attack, so i feel so bloody helpless.  I didn't realise that you are more prone to heart attacks when you are in the beginning stages of recovery, it is like a twisted joke, but then it makes me don't want to eat at all then, more twisted, i feel like a huge blob, ive been trying to take a photo of myself for a friend but nothing seems ok , i look and feel fat and hate it hate it hate it.