Journal

Ive not written here in a long time.  I want to start again but then something is stopping me, wish i knew what, same thing with writing every day what's going on in my head, thing is i really want to but just cant and that makes me frustrated/depressed etc, you name it.  I think i wanted to sort my thoughts out about why me and so many others stop ourselves from getting better, we use every excuse in the book to not get better and to keep ourselves miserable, ok yes some people have "live changing" moments but ive had loads of them and nothing seems to last, I think maybe im just more screwed up than most, hell ive been at it for all my memorable life, i don't even know who I am without ed, I am so scared to embrace healing and im so affraid when i truely go for it that i'll find out that ive got lifelong medical problems that it stops me from going ahead, but it's a stupid "failure"schema in my head, so i don't try cos im affraid of something, i think that's what happens to most of us on here, we keep at it cos were affraid of failing even though the failing bit is so subjective it's rediculous.  I wish i had answers, all i can try rely on is sience and test results and facts and studies cos i truely don't trust someone just telling me stuff, i have to research it, i know it's stupid i suppose i could be a fucking sientist by now cos ive read and learnt so much but im still trapped in my head, i know the facts just supposedly choose not to follow it, I know it's more complicated if you have other issues but I am so tired, most of everything i can't even remember cos ive had ed for so long it screwed with my head and memory so whatever happened happened, i shouldn't hang on to the stupid past, the road is ahead, i wish i can embrace it and make something of myself, finally, after everything it will be the prise.