long time
October 11, 2009 7:27pm
Ive not written here in a long time. I want to start again but then something is stopping me, wish i knew what, same thing with writing every …
dortoto 
8:08pm, November 15, 2009
-
About Me
dortoto
-
About Me
Depression, Eating Disorder, Alcohol Misuse, self-harm, personality disorder. I have been suffering with anorexia for over 20 years which developed into b/p, Ive had ocd's all my life, Ive also got depression, anxiety and all of the nasties that goes along with the rest. I am in therapy and only now realise the concept of healing. It is frightening and I'm struggling but trying my best.
Depression, Eating Disorder, Alcohol Misuse, self-harm, personality disorder. I have been suffering with anorexia for over 20 years which developed into b/p, Ive had ocd's all my life, Ive also got depression, anxiety and all of the nasties that goes along with the rest. I am in therapy and only now realise the concept of healing. It is frightening and I'm struggling but trying my best.
-
Interests
Art, Nature, Photography, Design etc. Pets, wildlife
Art, Nature, Photography, Design etc. Pets, wildlife
-
-
Recent Activity
Recently:
-
5 hugs given, 4 hugs received
Today
-
dortoto gave xxEmxx a hug 4:13pm
Hi hon, had to come online tonight to mail my therapist, I feel like a 5th weel in the family, they don't…
Yesterday
-
dortoto gave xxEmxx a hug 12:58pm
Wedding tomorrow, I don't know what's going on in my head hon, will have to try think but I just don't…
Friday
-
dortoto gave xxEmxx a hug 2:48pm
HI honi, I hope you are ok, Ive been thinking of you and hon please see it for what it is, facts only…
Tuesday
-
dortoto gave xxEmxx a hug 9:37pm
you hang in there too, I am thinking of you and try your best to be objective there k. *hug* Love you…
Monday
-
-
Journal
-
This entry is private
This entry is private
-
me
August 1, 2009 7:50pm
I hate myself so much atm, ive not exercised in ages and feel like a slob, yes yes im in recovery whatever, i just can't stand this, i know i can …
This entry is private
-
-
Hugbook
-
Hug
Eep hun! Hoping it goes ok. Try and do what you suggested I do with the psych hosp abuse meeting, and pretend likey you're just observing it like its a movie and be a distant to it. I'll be thinking of you. Just got stoned with a mate, was outside and then preggers and her feral bf were moving more of his stuff in. just made me so mad because its fucked and they're all happy and excited, meanwhile jack and i have been stressed out of our heads because its so fucking hard to find a place to stay. and she said sometihng careless about it being funny (as in weird) and i was really cynical/sarcastic/bitch and said yeah its hilarious. and i walked away pretty quick cos i'm tired and dont want to start a scene and i have nothing to say to here that will be positive etc.n but she said come back . and i would have felt finshed immature had i walked off. but i was so annoyed. and meanwhilst they're just expecting us to be happy and she said a few other things that werent particularly sensitive and asked when we'll move out and what we'll do if we dont find a house etc. and i was just so shitty. she knew i was a bit stoned and couldn't really compute much one would think. urgh now jake is home and i'm scared we'll get busted for being stoned. and i'm pissed cos my friend and i were just meant to be outside smoking and listening to music and being happy and chilled and that spoiled it because i just had all these dark shit thoughts about how all i loved is going and they're getting it, and i felt really bitter. but they dont even give a fuck that this is doing so much harm. jack has lost his bundle and being all stressed and i'm trying to pick up the slack but its hard when my head is a mess. really havign fuck all luck with a house. stresseing the crap out of me.
talk to you when you get back.
lots of love xoxo -
Hug
how are things going at home hun? when do you get back? is the wedding over? i still can't really tell you much about the meeting. been trying not to think with some success. i went to the exam only to find the day had been changed and i missed it so i freaked out and at the same time slept through the psychol app from staying up all night studying so i was so mad and i wont know til monday what's going to happen.
and its so hard finding a house. we've missed out on 3that we applied for even though the real estate lady said nothing was wrong with our apps, they landlord just chose someone else. urgh. getting really stressed out. and i dont want to have to leave behind my piano, that would break my heart. its really been a help with the depression cos its something i've grown up with and don't want to lose. maybe my feral house mates think i'll sell it to them. i'd rather be dead. and they still haven't paid my bond back. but they've paid jacks. so mad and urgh. but i've dug up most of my rasperberries. not going to leave them there, fucking vultures. and worse, they just sit around and do nothing, nesting in MY house and they just take it for granted how easy they have it. drives me fucking nuts. its not fair. i should have just paid for the whole house myself until i found 3 other tennants. fuck i'm mad . even the night before my exam, the sperm donor had his band around and fucking banging away til 12, they knew i had an exam. cockheads.
the only shining light is i 've booked my ticket to india. just need my visa. oh and i've been socialising a bit more, so thats two shining lights i guess.
take care hun, miss you xoxox -
Hug
survived the meeting. head a mess/not making sense/blocked out a lot. exam tomorrow? but whats the point of it if i dont even know if i have passed the unit in terms of attendence and late /not complete assignment i dont know. hope you're hanging in there hun you'll be free in a week? xoxo
-
Hug
Woah, can't believe the meeting is less than 24hrs away (only just) but still, freaking me out. I'm scared that once its over, all hope of a good outcome will be gone. i know thats negative but thats how i feel. and i missed my dietician app. slept in. i suck. will be thinking of you going home hun, urgh that really sucks. hang in there xoxo
-
Hug
Hey hun, man i have a huge headache. i'm trying to stay calm but it feels like i've not got any good coping mechanisms left. everything crept up on me. i just want to sleep. i dont even want to smoke. just sleep. take care hun, i'll be thinking of you too xoxo
-
Photos
-
Advertisement -
Support Groups
Close Depression
Depro coupled with eating disorder
Treatments
- Prozac Not Working
- all the pills I tried made me ill, I went cold turkey on the last batch which wasn't advisable but better then suffering through being ill and suicidal
- Psychotherapy Working / Worked
- working I think although has been 1.5years and only now thinking about things a bit
- Writing Working / Worked
- working if I do it, I tend to avoid
Close Eating Disorders
Type: Anorexiasince i was 8, it continued but after the first bad bout i decided if i can get through this on my own i can do anything on my own, it' never left and i didn't know. everything went tits up a few years ago and i found that i still had the ana. No one told me and it is very confusing because people usually assume your parents would get you help etc so they apparently just assumed the same for me.
Treatments
- Prozac Not Working
- made me ill
- Psychotherapy Working / Worked
- it takes ages but it's drilling through on some level now. i actually have a few good days sometimes
Open Personality Disorders
My thought patterns was/is so ingrained that I didn't even realise it. It feels as if I lost most of my life coz I wasn't and still isn't thinking the right thoughts. I twist things and sometimes realise it sometimes don't
Treatments
- Talking Working / Worked
- It makes me realise what "normal" people think and how extremely wrong I am sometimes
- Psychotherapy Working / Worked
- Working out why I think the way I do and seeing situations from all angles makes me realise when I dont think right I see things differently but it is frustrating because it makes me realise how badly I twist things and that kicks into depression
Open Osteoporosis
diagnosed with osteopenia 2 years back, Im too affraid to go for tests again and ive been forgetting my calcium so Ive no idea how far along this is and it scares the hell out of me
Treatments
- Calcium Working / Worked
- i really don't know, i get depressed and forget to take my tablets
