TLeigh's Journal

Well, I went and screwed my whole plan up. There was a chain of events that happened before that, of course, but I shouldn't have fallen for it. My ex was having financial problems so bad that he had to pack his car up because he didn't have the money to stay in that motel anymore. But he managed to find enough odd job stuff to pay for 2 nights after that. Of course, I worried about him. So my heart softened, and I let him in again, DAMMIT!! The thing is that I find, is it's almost like going to the bar, getting drunk, dancing on the tables all night, then the next day you wake up and feel humiliated and like crap, but because of your OWN actions. That is exactly how I feel. I didn't sleep with him, but I spent part of day with him and my daughter at that motel so my daughter could swim in the pool. Then, I tried to stay strong and we left. Then I sit here at my mom's, bored out of my mind, and decide that Nana and I are going to go to the beach. I am driving down the road, and for some reason, I call him and ask if he'd like to meet us there. He says he doesnt want to drive because his brakes are bad. So, what do I do?? I go pick him up!! And we spent about 2 hours at the beach. I took him right home after that, but I wanted my daughter to lie to my parents about him being with us. But, she came right in and told my mom that Chris had been with us. OMG. Mom was pissed, but I LIED to her and told her that he met us there....WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???? I know she didn't believe me. Now I feel like a liar, which is what I am. I am sure she feels like I am using her for a place to live and all the good stuff, while I run off with my husband I'm trying to detach from and have a gay old time with!! I didn't sleep with him, but what does that matter?? It's like I am addicted to a PERSON! I crave being with him, but when I'm with him, I don't want to be with him, then I regret it when I get home. I am sending mixed signals to EVERYONE including myself. I just don't understand this. Am I addicted to drama as well?

I try to tell myself that maybe I am just very lonely (which I am) and that's why I run to him. I live in a 55+ park with my parents, and have to hide because we aren't supposed to be here. My daughter can't run around and be loud because someone might tell on us. I don't know anyone here yet. It's been 5 months that I have been doing this. I understand why I have to do it, but it doesn't make it easy. I am 39 years old, and I have no life to speak of. I will be 40 in May, and to be honest, I am feeling a little resentful that I don't have my OWN place, and can deal with MY OWN crap without Mom having a say in this. I'm not a child, but yet, I feel like one because, hey, I lost everything I owned, I don't have a job for multiple reasons, I am totally helpless. I AM a child right now!!! Why can't I think like normal people and why am I so damn unsure of myself?? I seriously feel like I have never been able to take care of myself and that I am emotionally immature! And I don't think I have any right to stand up for myself with my mom because I dont want to lose her too...I have lost everyone else, including my brother. I just don't know how to fix this. I dont' know how to stay away from Chris for GOOD. I don't know how to stop loving him, or even if I really DO love him! I can't decipher what's real and what's not. Apparently I can't decipher what's good or bad. I don't know how to fix me.