Crusty's Journal

Since my married and cheating days I have learned a lot about myself.  It would have saved me, my ex (now late wife too) and our children a lot of pain and worry had I resolved some things before choosing a long term partner. I cheated a lot.  Many times I cheated with cheaters.  I don't recommend it.  Honesty is a much better way to tackle problems.

Today I am divorced, living alone, and have one or two male friends who are golfing buddies.  But I spend most of my time with women. Some are married and some single. 

I spend time with women who are very very bright and have knowledge and opinions on a wide range of topics. The intellectual stimulation and the education I get from them gives my life some purpose.

I also spend time with women who are simply nice people. We share some common interests and take trips together. 

Two women with whom I spend time who are movie star pretty. I enjoy spending time, taking them out, and giving them gifts. I must admit, part of my self esteem comes from the appearance of the woman who is on my arm.

I am also close to other women going through some very tough times who simply need someone they can talk to. I am a good listener and I like helping people who ask me for it. In short, I have a wide variety of people in my life and most are women.  I think most of us need this kind of variety but very few of us get to live this way after commitment to a long term relationship. Variety is the spice of life. Most of these women are quite open with me, and I know I know things about them their husbands don't know.  That lack of communication was there long before they met me. I am not a home wrecker nor do I want to be. All my female friends mean something to me and I don't ever want to hurt them or make their lives worse in any way. 

I also believe that any person, male or female, who thinks they can supply all the companionship, friendship, and physical pleasure that a partner can need or want are simply not realistic. No one human being can do that. 

If two people get together and after discussions of alternatives, decide to be exclusive with each other, I honor them and wish them happiness. But, I feel there are far fewer people who want to be that way, than there are people who feel social or family pressures to act that way.  Many feel they are 'trapped' in a marriage.  I think most people are even afraid to admit they want to discuss a more open  lifestyle with potential partners, because they fear rejection and abandonment. There may be as much of a stigma to being adult and single inour society today as there is to being an alcoholic or drug addict.  Society does not seem to like seeing a woman or a man  who is adult, single, and happy.  Society seems to feel there is something wrong with anyone who is not married with kids.  Many people seem to feel they need, or it is right and just, or that they deserve someone who will fill that hole they feel inside.  They will have a soulmate.  That in fact works fine for some, but not for all. 

 If  I were to meet a person who was attractive to me, intelligent, honest, was active socially, and had a lot of male and female friends, I know I would be very attracted to her.  Should we want to hook up on a long term basis, why would I want her to give up all the parts of her that made her attractive to me.  I know I am not going to be able to supply all the needs she has or may have in the future.  I don't own her.  Restricting her activities would be abusive.  

If someone wants  a prince or princess to supply all their needs for the next half century or so, the only  place to find such a person is in the fairy tale section of their local library. I prefer to live honestly in reality. Reality is that about one half of all couples will experience cheating at some time in their relationship.  Reality is that about one half of the marriages today will end up in divorce.  Reality is that most kids will spend at least a part of their childhood in a single parent home.  Reality is that most people will have more than one loving romantic relationship during their lives. According to the Census Bureau, reality is that more people today are living lives as singles than every before. I personally believe the curent economuic conditions may make it a very attractive alternitive for adults to live together as couples or more.    If it were natrual for a person to have only one loving relationship in a lifetime, then why are so many of us cheating or living serially monagamous?

I am not writing this to advocate for or against any type of relationship.  Every relationship is going to have ups and downs. Nearly all relationships end before one or the other partner wants it to.   Some  are already accepting that, and making pre nuptual agreements. I  fail to see the benefit to society of  everyone thinking they will  get married to another person and live happily ever after.  That is a farce which makes many very nice people hypocrites. As people become more and more able to communicate, we can expect the number of cheaters to increase.  Any relationship will work as long as everyone has the same goals and everyone lives by the same rules. It is time for opening up discussion of  some other ways.