Journal

   I responded to a post on Cheaters Anonymous with the following.  I thought it would be interesting to post it here too, just to see if anyone else has any ideas on the subject.I would not tell anyone of an outside partner if I had agreed to monogamy, unless I planned to end them both.

   The depth of a commitment varies greatly from one person to the next. The range runs from someone who watches a partner have sex with someone outside their partnership, to those who have open relationships but never want to meet the other persons, to those who know of a partners affair and accept it, to those to whom a partner even  thinking about having an affair would be a deal breaker and signals that the relationship is over. 

    The reasons we have affairs varies greatly from one person to the next.  Some people want self pleasure and really regret that doing so may cause their partner pain.  Others want to satisfy themselves and they know the partner may find out and be hurt.  Some people have affairs because they want to hurt their partner, or retaliate to a partner having an affair by having one of their own.  Some people have a sexual relationship outside their marriage simply because the other person is available and they may have turned down a number of such possible partners before deciding to allow one to progress. A man or woman today sees hundreds of more possible sex partners each week than did their grandparents.

    The commitment to a relationship by a person may have nothing to do with that persons desire to be totally committed..  There are a long list of environmental factors which can prevent individuals from having the ability to form anything but shallow relationships.    Usually the individual never knows the actions they are taking are a response to the environment in which they were raised, rather then a response to some defect within themselves.  They feel full of shame. 

   The people are shamed by society too.

   I don't know how to fix the situation, but, as far as I am concerned some people who are in a secret relationship outside their primary relationship should not be shamed, nor praised.  The more we know about history, the more we learn of leaders who had more than one romantic partner at a time. If having sex outside a marriage or a promise, is so bad, why has it been a way of life for at least one third of western society for thousands of generations.

    There are many many factors which contribute to a good or not good relationship.  Sex, is only one.  We all know people who are married to their job  hobby,  church, or  books.  They prefers pending time with any of those rather than with their mate.  Their marriages also suffer because of where they have their priorities.  Are they any more or less moral than others?   Does society shame them the same way it claims to shame someone who has sex outside the marriage?  Should it?

    Is it possible to have a good relationship if one or both of the partners also have other sex partners, secretly or openly?    I think it is, but I doubt that society will see it that way in any of our lifetimes. 

   This has come up over and over in my country.  Should the USA torture prisoners.  There are peope who strongly believe on both sides.  I think the possibility of torturing a prisoner, just like the use of nuclear weapons, should always be a possibility.  Lets face it, our enemies and friends already think we do it, and they are right.  

    The biggest concern I have is that we may torture those who do NOT have vital information.  If someone is captured, and he/she is determined to be without a doubt an enemy, it is determined that he/she has vital essential information that can save allied lives, and it is determined that we need the information quickly, then the alternative of torture must be considered. the decision to torture or not to torture should be made on an  individual bases at the highest levels of the military and civilian authority.

However, should it ever be proven that someone has been torturted who is not a proven enemy, and/or does not have vital information, then the person or persons responsible for ordering or allowing the torture should face criminal charges.   

I feel that would make it a more level playing field.  War is hell. 

Since my married and cheating days I have learned a lot about myself.  It would have saved me, my ex (now late wife too) and our children a lot of pain and worry had I resolved some things before choosing a long term partner. I cheated a lot.  Many times I cheated with cheaters.  I don't recommend it.  Honesty is a much better way to tackle problems.

Today I am divorced, living alone, and have one or two male friends who are golfing buddies.  But I spend most of my time with women. Some are married and some single. 

I spend time with women who are very very bright and have knowledge and opinions on a wide range of topics. The intellectual stimulation and the education I get from them gives my life some purpose.

I also spend time with women who are simply nice people. We share some common interests and take trips together. 

Two women with whom I spend time who are movie star pretty. I enjoy spending time, taking them out, and giving them gifts. I must admit, part of my self esteem comes from the appearance of the woman who is on my arm.

I am also close to other women going through some very tough times who simply need someone they can talk to. I am a good listener and I like helping people who ask me for it. In short, I have a wide variety of people in my life and most are women.  I think most of us need this kind of variety but very few of us get to live this way after commitment to a long term relationship. Variety is the spice of life. Most of these women are quite open with me, and I know I know things about them their husbands don't know.  That lack of communication was there long before they met me. I am not a home wrecker nor do I want to be. All my female friends mean something to me and I don't ever want to hurt them or make their lives worse in any way. 

I also believe that any person, male or female, who thinks they can supply all the companionship, friendship, and physical pleasure that a partner can need or want are simply not realistic. No one human being can do that. 

If two people get together and after discussions of alternatives, decide to be exclusive with each other, I honor them and wish them happiness. But, I feel there are far fewer people who want to be that way, than there are people who feel social or family pressures to act that way.  Many feel they are 'trapped' in a marriage.  I think most people are even afraid to admit they want to discuss a more open  lifestyle with potential partners, because they fear rejection and abandonment. There may be as much of a stigma to being adult and single inour society today as there is to being an alcoholic or drug addict.  Society does not seem to like seeing a woman or a man  who is adult, single, and happy.  Society seems to feel there is something wrong with anyone who is not married with kids.  Many people seem to feel they need, or it is right and just, or that they deserve someone who will fill that hole they feel inside.  They will have a soulmate.  That in fact works fine for some, but not for all. 

 If  I were to meet a person who was attractive to me, intelligent, honest, was active socially, and had a lot of male and female friends, I know I would be very attracted to her.  Should we want to hook up on a long term basis, why would I want her to give up all the parts of her that made her attractive to me.  I know I am not going to be able to supply all the needs she has or may have in the future.  I don't own her.  Restricting her activities would be abusive.  

If someone wants  a prince or princess to supply all their needs for the next half century or so, the only  place to find such a person is in the fairy tale section of their local library. I prefer to live honestly in reality. Reality is that about one half of all couples will experience cheating at some time in their relationship.  Reality is that about one half of the marriages today will end up in divorce.  Reality is that most kids will spend at least a part of their childhood in a single parent home.  Reality is that most people will have more than one loving romantic relationship during their lives. According to the Census Bureau, reality is that more people today are living lives as singles than every before. I personally believe the curent economuic conditions may make it a very attractive alternitive for adults to live together as couples or more.    If it were natrual for a person to have only one loving relationship in a lifetime, then why are so many of us cheating or living serially monagamous?

I am not writing this to advocate for or against any type of relationship.  Every relationship is going to have ups and downs. Nearly all relationships end before one or the other partner wants it to.   Some  are already accepting that, and making pre nuptual agreements. I  fail to see the benefit to society of  everyone thinking they will  get married to another person and live happily ever after.  That is a farce which makes many very nice people hypocrites. As people become more and more able to communicate, we can expect the number of cheaters to increase.  Any relationship will work as long as everyone has the same goals and everyone lives by the same rules. It is time for opening up discussion of  some other ways.