Journal

https://www.mymonavie.com/FeelGoodAgain/  check it out! might work for you too.

I let my mom read the journal i was keeping on the computer and when we fought she threw some stuff i had written against me.  so i am going to continue my journal in here.  i am so angry and sad right now.  its keeping me from being a nice person.  i just dont want this to go on anymore.  I wish i was care free and happy but i am so far from that its sickening.  i lost all my old friends except one, i have a big family but i dont even want to start venting to them because they are at the point where "this is my fault."  i went off the meds and starting smoking pot about 8 months ago and went into a full blown manic episode about two months ago.  was in four psych wards in a month and now i am coming down in a different way than before, before it was just a nice stable depression but this is more of a cycling one.  its easier at this point to just act depressed that way my mom doesnt go through the ups and downs with me.  easier to stay negative and put on my mean face.  when she sees me happy i feel like she is all annoyed and isnt very forgiving of my last mood. 

I cried today.  This time it was different though, this time I cried because I am so grateful that my life has finally changed and I know that everything is going to be okay.  This isn’t original writing, not even close.  This is something that hundreds of people are writing in their journals right now!  I understand this; but my story is one of a kind.  I know that because all of our stories are.  I feel confident that you will be blown away by what I have to tell you.  How I turned my life around. 

            I was 18 when I entered my first depression.  It was severe.  I felt scared but most of all I felt alone.  I felt as if there was no one else in the world feeling like I was.  I was unique.  There was nothing to explain the pain, no breakups, no fights, and no hangovers.  I couldn’t have been more confused.  What had I done wrong?  What had I done to deserve feelings like these?  I can look back now and tell you that I did absolutely nothing wrong, that I did not deserve that depression or any of the others that followed.  What was happening was that I was experiencing a chemical imbalance.