Journal

It's been a while since my last writing and I just really don't even know where to begin.  Over the past 2 years, my family has been through so many storms.  My sister in law was diagnosed with breast cancer, my son was deployed to Iraq, my other sister in law was killed (burned to death) in a car accident, 2 divorces in the family and now a close family member has been charged with a horrible crime and is currently in jail awaiting trial (bail denied).  I am a Christian, but I still have to ask the question, "Why us - what is it God that you are trying to teach us?"  Is it strength, patience, humility, compassion?  Will we ever know?  Maybe the lesson from all of this is just that life is hard.  I want to believe that something good has to come from all this heartache and suffering.  I've been unbelievably strong through this latest crisis, but I am begininng to feel myself unravel.  I feel like I need to close my bedroom door and sleep for days.  I am just so weary and tired!

Today was the worst day that I've had in a long time.  I had a full blown panic attack at work.  I tried to hide it by going into the restroom for a while, but then I felt like I was going to pass out, so I came out.  I sat at my desk for a while trying to tell myself, "You're okay".  That didn't work.  I finally got so dizzy and short of breath that I had to tell my supervisor.  It really scared her - she couldn't believe how much I was shaking.  All I wanted to do was go home, but at this point I knew there was no way that I could drive myself.  I asked her if she could take me home (I was desperate), but she said the new corporate procedure is that you cannot take another employee home when they are ill - you have to call 911 for an ambulance.  I was totally mortified!  There was no way I was leaving the office in an ambulance!  I ended up calling someone to come and pick me up.  My supervisor had to wait with me until they arrived and she made me sit in a chair in her office until I could be escorted out to the car.  I was so ashamed because everybody knew something was wrong and I know it will be talked about all over the plant tomorrow.  This one was a monster - it lasted about 1 1/2 hrs and I am just wiped out now!  I JUST WANT TO BE A NORMAL PERSON!!!

This has been such a long week - I guess because I've been so sick.  I'm starting to feel better, but I keep running a fever off and on.  I hope to get some much needed rest this weekend.  I've had 0 panic attacks this week - I think my body was just too worn down to panic.