Journal

So last wendesday we went to the dr for the results of my blood work. They said that my testosterone and other male hormones are really high (not high enough they would think I have a tumor but high still) My female hormones are extreamly low, and my good cholesterol is low and bad is high. Dr says that is because of the testosterone and so is the wieght gain. She said there are two approches to deal with this. She asked if my goal was to get pg now or get my hormones straightend out and then start trying agian. without skipping a beat I said I wanted to get my hormones fixed. So she said the best thing to do is to put me on Birth Controll to try and make my body make female hormones and to have a period and to supress the male hormones. And hopefully stop my hair loss. Also she is sending me to a dietition she wants me on a 1200-1500 calorie a day diet. (YUCK) but whatever it takes. Then when it is time back on Clomid progesterone (if needed), dextromethisone, and estrogen. I just pray this all works. Hopefully I will be able to get my knee fixed for the 3rd time or maybe they will do something to the other one we will see. Brian is being so amazing. I started the BC on friday morning and the last couple days I have been crying a lot plus I am quitting smoking! I have the most amazing husband. I mean who would put up with all of my crap like he does NO ONE ELSE. He just understands me so well.

so it rarely upsets me when my married friends who are going to make amazing parents announce but our best friends from where we jsut moved from just announced on FB no less that they are Pregnant. Elissa knew probably better than most people how I felt about all of this. Maybe it is the hormones from the Birth controll the Dr put me on on thurs day or maybe im just tired but I am crying and crying. I think I am hurt and really sad for me. I am happy happy happy that her job has slowed down enough for this and I am super happy for them. but MAN I cant stop crying

I don't know if it is because we spent so much money today (mechanic and dog surgery) or what but man Im in the dumps and super super anxious. I have an apt for my knees and at the fertility dr next week and I am thinking about putting them off. I don't know what to do. I am up in the middle of the night trying not to freak out. I am so afraid that they are going to tell me its hopeless. I don't even want to go. Im afraid they are going to tell me all my hair is going to fall out and i will be fat and in pain forever!