Journal

Oh boy, time flies! Laza is one month old and he had 9 lbs 11 oz at one month checkup! His doc said he looks like a two month old! He is definitely eating well :) and I can tell he's grown so much. I posted all our pics at:

   http://picasaweb.google.com/sunshine.jelena

We're doing well but we had quite a few little problems to overcome. He had a few days when he cried on and off except when eating - we're not sure if he had gas or if he was just overstimulated because around that time he seemed to also start to notice the external world much more. Then we had a sleepy day which freaked me out because he barely woke up to eat for like a few mintures and then would go back to sleep. I even phoned the doc to ask about this and she said it's a growth spurt and as long as he has 1+ wet diaper per 12 hours and 1+ dirty diaper per 24 hours things are fine. 

Laza's sleeping is very variable. He seems to still wake up to eat each 2 hours but sometimes has a 3 hour stretch. Then every now and then there'll be a night when he sleeps 4 hours in between meals. My mood varies too. Some days I am very tired and wonder how will I make it once I start working again on top of this schedule. Then other days I'm rested and feel I could do this forever. I wish my DH would help more. He tries and he does help a lot but still I feel I'm doing 90% of work. I kinda expected this to be more of a 50/50 division. My MIL has come to help us out and she takes care of Laza sometimes while I catch an hour of sleep. She also cooks lunch but it upsets me that the lunch time always varies and that I need to make my own breakfast and dinner. Perhaps I'm spoiled :) but there were days when I was so preoccupied with Laza I had barely time to go to the bathroom so I'd appreciate if someone did full cooking for me. It's not easy to go hungry when breastfeeding. But things are better now that he sleeps a little more and doesn't cry except when very tired or hungry, so I'm beginning to enjoy my MIL's company more. She's definitely a great help! 

I am eager for Laza to show some signs of communicating with us. He's started smiling to us, I think. It's still very  random but there were a few times when he'd look at us and give us a smile and these are lovely! He also seems more susceptible to being taken out for a walk - at some point he didn't like this but thankfully that passed. I'm beginning to slowly feel more confident in my role as a mother - I used to feel as if I had no clue what I'm doing but it seems that he's thriving so we're doing something right. I am also eager to have a little more predictable schedule but I think we're slowly getting there.

Sending lots of hugs and kisses to my DS buddies and I'm thinking of all of you who are still waiting for your miracle. I am praying that it comes soon. It is magical! 

I've always been very big proponent of natural birth, for years before we even started TTC. And I'm very happy that we got to experience just that with Laza. I delivered in a major hospital in LA - Cedars-Sinai, which has a high intervention rate, so I wasn't sure how that will jive with my birth plans but I've read that it all depends on the doctor, not the hospital. Now, my doctor is the same one that did our IVF. He's older and thus more relaxed, but he also deals almost exclusively with high risk pg - I just chose to stick with him because I like him - so he has high intervention rate. Very early then, around 20 w, I started talking to him about my birth plans. I wrote down what I wanted in simple terms and insisted I discuss this with him. He made a few snide remarks such as "we'll see how far you make it before you're screaming for drugs" but he seemed also willing to honor my wishes. I made very sure to communicate how much this meant to me. Now, if anyone reading this means I'm a masochist, I'm not. My reason for natural birth was that I believed this is the best for me and the baby. Our body is made to give birth and it's a natural process so I trusted it will not be more than I can handle. I also trusted that going through the experience fully will release all the necessary hormones to aid us both make the transition from pregnancy to birth, and I was willing to try first to go through things without drugs and then if impossible to ask for drugs. One can always go in that direction, but not in the opposite one: once you're on drugs you can't get off of them. I also knew that any intervention leads to a chain of other ones and I know many women who started w induction and ended up with c-section. So I felt very very motivated to do things as naturally as possible.

As the labor came near my body showed little signs of readiness which made me worry. I had no contractions, not even Braxton-Hicks, baby was high, I was not dilating or effacing. Around 38 w I started feeling a little PMS signs, but on and off. Very on and off. I'd feel them one day then not for a few days. At 39 w checkup the baby has dropped and I even had a few contractions that registered on the machine in doc's office, but I didn't feel them. Then as week 40 approached I could tell things were "getting ready" and I was feeling some heaviness and some PMS symptoms again. Nothing major. I also had a few dreams about birth, my plug coming out, etc. I'd wake up and think "I just felt a contraction" but then I would get back to sleep and in the morning I'd feel fine.

My water broke at 7 am, 3 days before my due date. In fact, now that I think about this, we did HPT 3 days later than other clinics do, so maybe this was my due date :) I woke up feeling a contraction, then felt wetness and went to bathroom to let the water run out. It came in a few gushes, then continued with sporadic gushes throughout one hour. It was the color of pink lemonade. I wanted to let a few contractions occur then time them and call my doc, but they were pretty sporadic and felt just like menstrual pains. So I called anyway and he said to go to hospital. I figured we'd better avoid the rush hour and started getting ready. My DH got up as soon as I did and he was getting ready too. As we were preparing I started feeling regular contractions at 3 min apart.

We arrived at the hospital by 9 and the drive was not bad at all. I felt contractions but could  deal with them and I was overall happy that this was the day. I felt energized and ready. I ate a little breakfast - two waffles and some juice. I also brought some chocolate and lots of water and gatorade to the hospital but as it turned out I was not hungry at all during labor.

As we arrived and got admitted I changed into my birth clothes. There's this great site that sells birth  clothes www.naturalchoices4baby.com and I got a birth skirt and a bra. It was wonderful to wear this instead of a hospital gown!! I just changed into this without asking anyone's permission and nurses went along when they saw me in it :) My DH called our doula as we waited to get checked, and him and me started working on speeding things up. I walked and did some pelvic rocking. I got hooked up to a monitor for 10-15 mins which seemed quite long to me but I was working with contractions while lying down. All through the labor as they came I would chant in my head "open, open, open wide, like a tunnel, like a flower, like a black hole..." and I would visualize my cervix opening. When I finally got checked I was 3 cm open. Over the next few hours I got to 6-7 cm. I asked for intermittent monitoring and got it. Well it was great not to be in the bed but I couldn't move very much either. When I would bend the monitor would slip which sucked. I really liked bending over the bed. Then I switched to hugging my husband and just rocking my hips and bending my head into his chest. When I walked sometimes monitors would slip off. Going to bathroom was a sure thing to move the monitors. Each time the nurse would come and adjust them. Eventually we figured out how to adjust them too. The heartbeat monitor was measuring well when not slipping, but the contractions one was off wrt strength. Some strong ones would get picked up as mild ones and vice versa. It could however track the occurrence very well and my contractions never went closer than 2 mins but they did last longer as labor progressed and they got stronger. I used movement to ease the feelings. I never really felt any severe pain. It felt like period pains but more crampy, and I really had to move during contractions, but other than that it was really very bearable. I would call the whole experience “intense” more than painful. Just letting go and breathing helped a lot, I can very well see how tensing up or being forced to lie in bed could make the feelings way worse. By the transition stage what really worked for me was squatting. I would go up and down, holding my DH who tried to squat with me, poor soul ? It was hard on his knees but it was heavenly for me. I expected to feel in transition like I could not handle any more contractions but I actually felt I could go on for as long as needed. I just got feeling warm and that was the transition.

I’ve previously prepared lots of relaxing music on my iPod and even bought speakers for it so I could create a nice atmosphere for the birth. But just as I thought, I didn’t really want music and it was more pleasant just to focus on sensations within me fully. Our doula was very helpful with some advice about positions and with helping me in and out of adult diapers since I was leaking and later pooping ? She also took great pics of the birth. Around 5:30 my doc declared that I was almost ready to push – I was at 10 and had just a bit of cervical lip remaining. I tried pushing then and was surprised to discover that it was actually uncomfortable. Again, not painful really but quite a crampy feeling in my lower back. I was pushing lying down which I didn’t like but my doc said that this is his preferred position. I also tried a squat bar on the bed – that was better but the nurse and the doc thought I’m not making good progress that way. I think it would probably have been better if they let me try pushing on my own, without counting and cheering, but at the time I thought that maybe I’m inexperienced and should listen to them. At some point my doc discovered that the baby was not properly rotated – he was facing my hip not my back, so I pushed on the side for a while to make him move into the optimal position. Then I pushed some more … overall it took 3.5 hours to get him out. It seems long now but then I simply lost track of time. I would push and then just rest in between and kinda go into some altered state of mind when I didn’t really follow what was said and done in the room. I couldn’t really feel if I’m making any progress or not. I didn’t feel much in the vaginal area, just the cramps in my lower back.

Then at some point the head was in sight so my doc came back and started coaching me some more. I felt intense pressure around my pelvic bones then and figured I should push so that the pressure intensifies. In the meantime the doc was kinda swabbing around my vagina, which wasn’t so pleasant but again it was bearable. He told me I’d tear and asked if I still don’t want an episiotomy and I confirmed that I’d rather tear on my own. He then said he’ll give me some local anesthetic so he can sew me up later. Now looking back I should’ve said “no” because I read that this just increases your chance of tearing but at that time I was beyond caring about tears. My DH says that as the doc injected the solution the skin’s elasticity changed and soon after I pushed, the head came out and I tore. Again, it would’ve been better if they let me push gently at that point but everyone was so eager for the baby to come out and they wanted me to push with all my might.

After he was born, our little Laza was somewhat slow perking up – he wouldn’t cry so they had to suction him. They placed him first on my belly for like a minute and then took him to suction the water from his airway. He came out with his hand at his neck so the doc  says this is the reason why his lungs were not properly massaged by contractions to take all the water out. He got 8 and 9 Apgar scores, anyways ? While he was suctioned I was being sewed up. Again, not the greatest experience but it was bearable. Then the nurses cleaned me up and gave us Laza to try to breastfeed him. He latched right away like a champ and sucked for 20 minutes! We felt so excited to have him around and haven’t stopped since!!!

We stayed 2 nights in the hospital. A LOT of people kept on coming to check up on us. My doc, the pediatrician, nurses, a lactation consultant … Overall everyone was very helpful but frequent visits meant we had no time to sleep, so we were looking forward to home. My stitches were bothering me quite a bit that first day but then the pain got better and after 5 days it was gone completely. I couldn’t believe it would heal so fast. My body bounced back real well too – coming home I looked as if I was just slightly fat, like say 10-12 w pregnant. Thinking back, the only thing I’d change is telling my doc to let me push alone for a while, without counting, and to tell him not to give me the local anesthetic until absolutely necessary. Overall, the birth was quite bearable and if we’re lucky enough to have more children I could do it many times over.

I cannot believe it's been a week from his birth. It seems both like one long day and like he was with us forever. He is such a miracle! We had a few ups and downs when we came home, mostly because my DH and I have never cared about a baby before or even seen anyone handling a baby. We took infant care classes and breastfeeding classes and I read some books but it all takes practice. Breastfeeding was challenging for a while. Laza ate very well but it took us long time to rouse him from sleep and then have him suck actively. He'd suck for like hour and a half,  including rousing up time, and then go to sleep, and then we'd have an hour before we had to offer the breast again. This is all because we were trying to follow instructions from our hospital to offer the breast 8-12 times a day. I just couldn't see how to achieve both the frequency and to let him suck as much as he wants. Then finally on like day 4 of his life I figured I'm  going to:

      1. let him sleep and eat when he wants and not on the clock

      2. offer one breast until he is done with it, then offer another, so he gets all the hindmilk he wants. believe it or not hospital handout had suggestions of doing the opposite! I had to reread "Bestfeeding" book to find out that the strategy  "finish first breast first" is what they recommend. And it makes perfect sense

Well since day 4 we had lovely short feeds. My milk came in A LOT, one day I looked like Dolly Parton, seriously. Then on day 6 Laza started crying when he goes on the breast. He would latch great, suck a little, frown and spit my breast, then get furious to latch on again and this would repeat and repeat until he cries in frustration. I couldn't figure out at first what's wrong. I could hear him sucking and swallowing well. If anything, too well ... and that was the problem. After a day of bumpy feeds I figured out that milk is flowing too fast. It drips like from a faucet and he cannot keep up but chokes. I called a lactation consultant at the hospital who said this will self-regulate and I should just continue ... Bull! I finally found online that my problem is called "forcefull letdown" and that I need to use quite different latching positions to let Laza deal with it. He needs to be sitting up not lying down and his mouth on top of my nipple and not below like in a normal latch. So now we feed with me almost lying down and him on top. And we're back to happy feeds!

Laza is amazing! He can almost turn over and he smiles sometimes :) Such a charming smile! He goes to sleep easily and sleeps in 2 hour stretches. We have our pediatrician appt this Friday and I hope she'll say he's doing well. He is so amazing, I don't know how I lived without him all these years. I am so over the moon and I truly feel as if I somehow climbed to heaven and reached out and got a hold of a shiny shiny star to hold in my hands. This is the BEST I have ever felt in my life, there are no words to describe i

Oh, and now it's feeding time :):) To all my DS friends, thank you so much for your support and good luck on your journeys. They are hard but the prize in the end is so worth it! I am praying you get your BFPs real real soon, and if you already are expecting, that you get a healthy, live baby at the end of that journey. Being a mom is the best thing in the world! While I was often sad and desperate when fighting IF this all makes me appreciate our little miracle even more. Sending lots and lots of hugs and BFP vibes to everyone waiting. And yes, birth story is coming soon.