Gina45's Journal

My name is Gina and I am an alcoholic, 40 days in recovery.

I can't sleep at night, I am still struggling with reducing my weight, and I think I may be a little bit depressed.

I need to break away from a man I love very much. My husband is still drinking heavily and he is with another woman now but still seeing me behind her back.

I found out last night why he is seeing me.  Apparently, she is very straight laced and the sex is not what it is with me.

He respects her and has things in common with her as she runs her own business and they can drink together.  Apparently, she "makes him laugh" and they have fun together.

But when he wants sex, it is me he wants it from.  Oh he sleeps with her too, but I am different.  I will do things she wont, that she does not have to because he will see her no matter what she will or wont give him.

He values her, likes her and treats her well.

I am just the dirty girl he enjoys using for sex.

This has been happening to me all my life, since I was very very young.  I cannot believe it is still happening to me at 47 years old.

I am in so much pain now and am so disappointed to be in this position again that I want to scream.

Oh to be drunk so I can just escape.

But then tomorrow, I would be a failure in recovery, hung over (if not dead) and still be the dirty slut men enjoy screwing but not taking to dinner.  I am the one they come to when the good girls won't give them what they want. 

34 years and nothing has changed.  No wonder my self esteem is shit.