Journal

She sat down in her chair, picked up her computer and stared blankly at the page. It is anxiety inducing. The blank page makes me tremble. What was the question again?

“Oh, how does Merriam interpret Knowles six principles of andragogy?” and what is the answer. She picks up the 800 page book and highlighter and begins plowing through the tiny type looking for the answer. She has made great progress, at least she reads the assignments now. Before she was reading her classmates responses and guessing which one had the best interpretation and making something up.

She stares now at the book which is perched on the arm of the chair, the computer still in her lap and her mind anywhere but in her work. She lifts her eyes to the television and sees the weather forecast, 90, good Lord. She is from Maine, she melts at high temperatures. She feels the butterflies tingle her stomach and knows that the anxiety is creeping into her body, she has forewarning this time. Sometimes it just strikes in the middle of a store, driving, or in her sleep. It is hard to make sense of what brings it on because sometimes she is just plugging through her normal day and she can be blindsided with heart palpations, cold sweaty hands, rapid breathing, and dizziness so bad that she has to sit down on the cold tile floor in the grocery store or pull her car over onto the side of the road.

She sets her computer down on the floor in front of her and slides the book onto the table next to her. She gets up, steps over the dog, and makes her way to the kitchen where her Xanax is. She opens the bottle and looks inside trying to decide if a half or a whole is in order. She opts for a half so that she might be functioning when it is time to go out the door to work. She takes the pill and heads back to the living room to resume the blank stare at the computer or book, she hasn't decided which. She picks up the computer, leans back in her chair and waits for the feeling of calm to take over. She closes eyes and can feel the magic pill quelling those butterflies in her stomach.

Her eyes pop open, only 10 minutes have passed, phew. She feels calmer and the Xanax has kicked in. The email dings on her computer and she clicks open her gmail. Her inbox has a couple of mass mails and one from her friend that has not walked away from her even when she is in either state of mind.

“I'm sorry things appear tough.

You are a strong person. I'm sure you'll be fine.

You know that.

When I stopped taking Paxil I was REALLY miserable.

Like I wanted to just die, but that was too good for me.

Let your doctor know, OK?”

Ha, fine. Fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional = FINE.

She closed the email and the tears streamed down her face. Let the doctor know, well, sure.

Lucy Hawkins: so, what is the purpose of life?
revoman1969: to convert oxygen into carbon dioxide
Lucy Hawkins: great...
Lucy Hawkins: and so the point to prolong it is what?
Lucy Hawkins: so that basketball, football, and baseball players can make ridiculous money... for playing a game?
revoman1969: yes
Lucy Hawkins: and those that take the time to educate themselves end up poor...
revoman1969: that's exactly why...
Lucy Hawkins: and famous people get out of trouble because they can make their lawyers get them off... or bribe people
revoman1969: <<--is not feeling philisophical
Lucy Hawkins: I am not feeling philosophical... I am feeling... lost
Lucy Hawkins: and the world is a sad and ironic place that the soul purpose of EVERYTHING is to die eventually... and so the point of life is what?
Lucy Hawkins: that sole
Lucy Hawkins: not soul
Lucy Hawkins: though that makes it more ironic
Lucy Hawkins: my eye is twitching... and I hate my glasses
Lucy Hawkins: that isn't a sport
revoman1969:
Lucy Hawkins: we need to fix that light in the kitchen
Lucy Hawkins: and the switch in the dining room
Lucy Hawkins: so that we don't electrocute ourselves
Lucy Hawkins: hmmmmmmm
revoman1969:
Lucy Hawkins: I am not depressed
Lucy Hawkins: just melancholy
Lucy Hawkins: it is ridiculous
Lucy Hawkins:
Lucy Hawkins: freaky
revoman1969: ya
Lucy Hawkins: still doesn't change much in my head though
Lucy Hawkins: and dunkin donuts coffee is crap
revoman1969: then you need to listen to joel...
revoman1969: do some meditation...
revoman1969: and yes...dunkin is only good in a pinch
Lucy Hawkins: I just don't get it...

Lucy Hawkins: I just don't get it...
Lucy Hawkins: it is weird
Lucy Hawkins: why do people prolong life? if the point is death?
Lucy Hawkins: aren't we simply prolonging the inevitable... and maybe getting to something better?
revoman1969:
Lucy Hawkins: I am philosophizing now
Lucy Hawkins: but seriously...
Lucy Hawkins: doesn't mean I am ready to die...
Lucy Hawkins: I just am thinking that there are so many people in the world... who are starving... in the middle of a war... and why? so that eventually they will die... and while my issues seem HUGE to me... I have not watched my child die... or neighbors starve to death... or people get blown up or shot... and what is the purpose of war... and why can't everyone simply live in peace...
Lucy Hawkins: and there is enough food in the world for everyone
Lucy Hawkins: and we don't need guns and bombs...
revoman1969: because we have a megalomaniacal president who does not believe in laizze faire
Lucy Hawkins: well not just him... I mean look at Darfur... with the genocide
revoman1969: and has no understanding of world cultures...
Lucy Hawkins: he has no culture
Lucy Hawkins: and I think it is time to have someone like Barrack Obama...
Lucy Hawkins: and I would like to live more simply...

Ok, so... has anyone thought they were destined for greatness because of their bizarre brain? I used to feel that way... felt like I was changing the world... Ahhhh, crashing down from heaven to earth with a slow decent into hell.... Is it possible to climb the ladder our of hell?

I am no longer destined for greatness... I just want to be destined for normalcy...what is normal? Anyone come up with that?