iwas maniac but now i have been …
iwas maniac but now i have been depressed i need friends to talk to i have no one here who …
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JBInsanity 
7:19pm, November 9, 2008
I’m going to give you a look into my childhood on what actually happened. I had along talk with my step-mom and this how I came to this realization. This is my story:
I was born in April of 1984 my parents were forced to get married in December of 1984 in order for me to get baptised. This is were I think their fighting is stemed from. My mom told me several times that she never wanted to have kids and thought marriage was just a piece of paper. My dad is very family oriented yet lacked it while I was growing up.
Here is a little background on both my parents:
My mom was very strict, domineering, and abusive. My mom grew up with her parents but my grandpa was always gone cause he was a trucker at the time then there was my grandma who worked at the bar as a waitress and was a beloved mother to 4 children. Yet there was things behind closed doors were different. Discipline in my grandma’s eyes were different then others. The normal smack on the behind wasn’t just a smack but a continuous whipping until she got tired or started to cry. This was normal while my mom grew up. My grandma’s abusive came from what her mother and father did. Hence the cycle!
My dad is a push over but very strict. My dad grew up poor and I mean poor. My dad is one of 5 children and my grand parents worked their asses off. This only what I have been told cause my grandparents are no longer living. My grandpa was a farm tenant and so they moved around frequently so grandpa could work. My grandpa died when my dad was 9 years old so he has no real recollection of him. My dad quit school at 16 years old to help my grandma out and has been working ever since. Yes there was discipline and yes it was as bad as what my mom got and worse. Only difference is when he disciplined me and my sister it wasn’t nearly as bad.
Anyways back to me. My sister came along in February of 1986 and this is where my memory kicks in. My whole childhood is nothing what I made everyone to believe. My parents fought all the time and we were always sent to our rooms. Not physical well atleast not on my dad side but my mom side but it was mostly verbal arguments. My dad was a workaholic and was never around. I don’t know if he wasn’t around because of work or cause he didn’t want to come home. My mom was the disciplinarian and that’s were my troubles are.
While we were young it was just a smack on the ass that esclated to using anything my mom could reach. One day she would use a wooded spoon then the next a belt. The things she used most often is a belt, wooden spoon, remote controller, weight lifting belt, brush, spatchula, and other objects I can’t remember or belt me in the mouth or nose to get her point across. We would get this anytime my mom thought we were whining, back talking and such. I think sometimes I deserved it but other times not so much. My dad only disciplined us when he was around which wasn’t much and I’m glad for that. Both my parents don’t know when to stop when it comes to disciplining children. My dad never being around helped prevent abuse from both sides.
My mom did this thing when she didn’t want us around she’d send us outside and tell our neighbor to watch us well that was fine and dandy until I was raped repeatly by our neighbor’s son for three years and yet my mom would not believe me. I ended up becoming pregnant at 12 years old and having an baby and then two abortions. This is just one of many things my mom did to me. Not to mention this is one of several rapes that my mom never believed until I ended up pregnant.
Then there were the times my parents left us with my grandparents and I always hated to go there. Reason being well here is one story. My parents went out for the night so we were dropped off at my grandparents and my grandma asked me to do something and I told her no. Well the normal thing would of been a smack on the ass and yelled at. Nope what does she do but belt me in the mouth at five years of age and then turns around and tell my parents that I tripped and split my lip open on the coffee table. I was five then and I still remember that like it was yesterday. I remember one time for cussing in front of my cousins I got whipped repeatedly by my uncle and yet these people call this discipline.
Always being told I have be the responsible one, make an example for the younger kids in the family and shit like that. Only for these same people to turn around and say I won’t amount to anything, I’m not worldly enough, I’m to fat, I’ll never find a guy, I’ll be lazy and so on. I respect my mom and dad. Yet I can’t get past what they have put me through. I don’t understand this myself but their my parents. But this is my life and I accept that I think. I know I can’t change it but I can’t even tell my mom what she put me through cause she isn’t alive now. I can tell my dad but that wouldn’t change the fact he wasn’t there. So this is my outlet and talking to my step-mom.
Through all this I have been in therapy, psychiatrists, and hospitals. I’ve tried to kill myself several times and yet I’m forced to live through this crap that everyone says it ain’t so bad. SO YOU TELL ME YOU’VE HAD IT WORSE. HUH?
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I don't know what to say...I didn't have an upbringing like this.
It may sound shallow of me,but I only remember love from my grandparents on my mom's side.On my dads side,we didn't see them much,and we always had to take our shoes off to go in the house.One time while my mom was in hospital,my dads mom beat my little sister,then put some kind of ointment on it,that made my sister really sick with welts and hives...I hated that gramma after that.But that's the worst thing I can remember.
Your life sounds like it was harsh and hard.And it sounds like you have tried to move on,and not stay stuck in the past,but that you keep falling back into old memeories..I guess only more cousuling ,to get your head into a place,where you can be your own parent,and love yourself ..the way they were supposed to.I don't know if this helped...but I think you were brave to post this,and I encourage you to know YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE.
hugs
dd
dancingd
Thanks and I'm trying my best.
JBInsanity
I don't know where the scale goes after a certain point, JB, but I have had some experiences I would rate "worse" than that....well, those are "repressed" memories, so they are not even believed much by many psychology professionals. But they never go away, so it seems to me, they are real. Anyhoo, I don't want to even go there. But I do want you to know, my family experience is much like what you are saying here. I know there are not a lot of us who have experienced abuse to this degree. Unfortunately, that means, even more disbelief and more of other people's ignorance and denial to fight through to get the help we need. So we wind up fighting not only to get over the BS of the past, but also fighting to move on from it, both from within and from without. But it DOES make us stronger. Just today, I was in the store, and a woman was cussing at her 10-12 year old son, and even took a swipe at him. Imagine what this maniac would do to him at home!! So I walked around behind the son, forced eye contact with her, and as flatly as granite, told her "that is abusive, ma'am." She opened her eyes wide and backed up....the cool thing is, when she backed up from me, she also backed up from her son. I was instinctively doing that, and did'nt even realize it at the time. I walked away feeling mighty good about that. And could not have done it, the way I did, without having gone through this kind of BS in my life. I am 47 years old. It may take a very long time for you to see the benefits of fighting this fight.
But, you WILL reap the benefits, if you don't give up.
((((( HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS )))))
starfish
I'm so sorry that you had to endure such a rough child hood. I had a rough one as well. I was molested by my father for four years out of my life and every time I tried to tell my mother she didn't believe me, and when I wouldn't help out a lot with the chores and just whenever she felt like saying it I too got the you'll never amount to anything and you'll end up a failure at everything you try to do. My mother is now a born again christian and she tells me that I will accomplish anything I set my mind to and to always reach for the stars. I think she's trying to make up for lost time and how she's treated me in the past. I can't say the same for you, but at least I can tell you that I have been there.
BipolarPrincess
Thank you for your comments I really appreciate them. I only added the last sentence to this journal entry cause my dear sweet friend keeps complaining on how her life so so bad. I know I shouldn't judge but I've asked her if anything like this has happened to her and she says no so I give up on trying to tell her that her life ain't that bad. But anyhoo um thanks again I really value all your opinions.
JBInsanity
I thought my childhood was ruff..But honey yours takes the cake..How could this happen and the doors be shut to you..I hope you have a great therapist to help you thru this hardship your feeling..All I can say is I`m here for you and Big Hugs and deal with it head on ..Remember you are grow and nothing can hurt you anymore..Lots of love and hugs..OXOX
jollyjoe
Ouch!! Ugly things happen in life. I wish I could say something to change it. Something to kiss it all away. I have some bad memories too, but after EMDR I have dealt with many of them. It still hurts to hear such pain. I am truly sorry to hear them.
BettyB
Thank you both for your comments. I'm just taking one day at a time right now and hopefully I come to understand it.
JBInsanity
I can honestly say that there is a way out, another side, my childhood was a horror, sexual abuse from grandfather, father, uncle, babysitter, verbal abuse from my mother and it goes on...that's not my point. When I was your age it defined me, it was pain with every breathe. Some hard work, tough choices, therapy and my life is how I want it. I have stepped out of the circle, I am raising my own children without all the pain, I have a healthy marriage. Somedays I even find it hard to think that it was me who went through it all. It doesn't hurt so much now, because now, I have all the power. Keep working it out, and remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Jade
mamalulu
Thanks for your input everyone!
JBInsanity