Journal

I am so jealous I can’t even think straight on this whole baby thing. I’m going to be 25 next year and have not one damn thing to show for it. I don’t have a husband or boyfriend but totally want one. I don’t have a career so nothing there to show. Now everyone is getting pregnant and I so want a baby but no one to have one with. No money to adopt or IVF. So I’m pretty much giving up on becoming pregnant. I mean why would a guy have a child or relationship with in the first place. I’m ugly, fat, scarred, screwed up, and have sever mental issues. Kathy says I’d be a great mom but to who? I can’t be a mom to my soon to be nieces and nephews. I want my own baby and that will never happen. I think I was just put on this earth to take care of others in their time of need. God has other things in plan for me and being happily married with children ain’t one of them. Sure I can spoil my sister’s children but they will never truely be mine. What the fuck is my problem? I should be happy for them. I am happy in some ways. Unfortunately I think my grandparent’s and the rest of them are right. No one will ever want me. Who would want someone like me who has this many animals? Who would want a cutter? Who need my fat ass? Maybe I should lose weight to get a guy or maybe this world doesn’t need me at all. I want someone to cuddle, someone to love, someone to actually give a damn. But I didn’t choose the hand I was dealt and must push forward and hope for the best.

I don’t things lately seem to make me think that no one wants me around. I don’t know if that sounds stupid but I don’t know that’s just how I feel. Lately I’ve been disassociating again. I’m not liking that so I’m confused as to what to do. I don’t want to go away again. I’m not sure anymore.

Things aren’t great yet their not so bad either. Have you ever been in one of those limbo stages of your day? I know that sounds wierd but I can’t really explain it. I’m kinda depressed right now though I reinjured my damn back. I know I shouldn’t do shit yet I do it anyways. I know that its a bad excuse but I don’t like asking for help cause normally in today’s world you get refused before anything. Oh well maybe next time I’ll try asking but I doubt it.