Journal

Hi Jamie...I looked to see what I'd written to you before and it's not there..I spent alot of time writing you..did i do it in a 'message'
i'm so sorry for your pain.
Lollie and I have spent alot to time talking about our 'grieving' process...
I'm glad you put a frog up for the reasons you stated. I was first surrounded by all the good memories..and that i took comfort in.
then it was the hard times of our relationship..which was great for the most part of my 65 years..she was my best friend too. always there for me..sometimes we had the typical mom/daughter stuff but usually cause she always was trying to 'fix' everthing to make it better for me..
But now i'm stuck in the ..I should have done more ...HATED THAT SHE WAS IN A NURSING HOME IN OHIO AND I WAS IN PA BUT CALLED HER 3 TIMES A DAY.
SOO...CAN'T REALLY HELP YOU MUCH WITH YOUR PAIN BUT I CAN'T TELL YOU I'M FIGHTING THE PAIN OF MISSING NOT ONLY HER BUT MY DEAR DAD ALSO.
i JUST WANTED YOU TO KOW I'M HERE AND I CARE AND YOU CAN SHARE IN MESSAGES TO ME IF YOU WANT.
ARE YOU STILL WORKING ON GETTING YOUR HEALTH BACK AND THINKING OF NSG..SCHOLL AT SOME TIME WHEN YOUR STONGER?
LOVE AND HUGS
JUDY IN PHILLY

Sorry that you are in such pain. I can relate....although this was the second holiday season without my Dad, this year seemed much worse. I missed all the good things about my Dad this year. I tried to remember the pain he went through so that the pain of the good things missed wouldn't be so bad. Mourning....it is a tricky thing. Sorry that you are having to deal with it. Lollie

So sorry that you are feeling so bad...I don't think that you should beat yourself up over withdrawing. You need to do what you feel is the right thing for you. I agree with you about the non-understanding of peple in our society. If they haven't lost someone really close to them, they can't understand how hard it is. There is a book called "the year of of remarkable thinking" (I think, :)) Anyway, she discusses how society has all these expectations and how we don't feel guilty if we don't meet these unrealistic expectations. It really helped me last year when my Dad passed. It made me feel like someone in the universe really understood where I was coming from! If you are interested I will look for it so I can give you the author and correct title. Just message me. I hope that you are kind to ourself this holiday and keep the best memories of your mom with you. Lollie

i lost my mom when i was 6 (nearly 15 yrs ago) so i can relate to how ur feeling.. dont be harsh on yourself about not withdrawling earlier.. i know its hard, but atleast you got to spend some time with her long enough to have some memories.. try to think of the good times you had with her. try to enjoy the holidays (even if it's hard) coz ur mom'll probably be looking down on you and smiling :)

I just wanted to let you know my mom passed away when I was 11 yrs.old so I know the hurt of losing a mom. There were so many things that I wanted her to experience like the birth of my son, my husband and I getting married, my first apartment and so many other moments you want your mom to be there for. It must be so hard for you and your family but one thing that may help is to look at all the wonderful things you got to share with your mom before she passed. I stay positive by looking at the fact that my grandmother raised me and I've always called her mom. So I try to look at that when I start feeling down about losing my mom. Please don't beat yourself up about not taking time off and being able to spend extra time off to be with your mom before she passed. You couldn't of know when her time was going to be. Treasure the moments that you did spend together before she went to be with the lord. And take your time with the grieving process. It's a long and hard journey. You will never be totally over your mothers death but I PROMISE you it will get easier...even if it doesn't feel that way right now. You are going to have good days and bad days. And like you said, it's an emotional roller coaster...it really is. Don't let anyone tell you to get over it...that's impossible. But have faith that the lord will take some of the burden off of your heart. I know from experience he can do it. Thank you for sharing your story with us. It must be extremely hard to talk about your mom when you're going through the hurt. But know her memory lives on everytime you do. God Bless you, your sister and all your loved ones. :)