birdlady's Journal

I guess it has been a long time since I have written. But then again, I think I have been to hell and back; and possibly on my way again. After my year of 2008, I am starting to believe there is no hell after death. You know where the devil is! Because I have had my hell on earth during 2008 and I honestly don't think much could top everything that has happened. I always thought that I can make it through anything. Well, I can. But I am not the same person I used to be. And I am not fond of who I am now. I am not mean or cruel or anything like that. Just differant. Hard to explain.

    When I wrote my last entry I was staying at a transitional house for women and children with my 10 yr. old boy. Because I didn't have any money, did get food stamps, we would walk everywhere. To the Nursing Home to see my husband, his dad; 2 miles one way. To the liabrary, 1 1/2 miles one way. To put in job applications, appointments-upto 2 miles one way. The hospital around 2 miles one way. On a regular week, we would walk between 30 and 50 miles. That is in ONE week. But we had fun most of the time. We really bonded over the summer. I think that is the only good thing to happen to me in 2008. But in doing so, my 10 year old had to grow up really quick. Because we didn't have money and the shelter was at times extremely stressful; we would be gone from 7 a.m. til 8 or 9 at night. We would go to the liabrary, the park, and the nursing home. On the rare occasion I would have a few dollars I would treat him to lunch at Burger King. It was on the way so it was very convienent. He would get a dollar menu sandwich and dollar french fry. Most of the time and a glass of water. But we always had water bottles with us. On one such day, I surprised him and we stopped in for lunch. I spent my last 3 dollars to treat him to lunch. Which I had planned on using it to buy me a pack of cheap cigs which I desperately wanted. So we sit down so he can eat and he said he wanted to share. I told him I wasn't hungry and I know he is because he only has two pieces of toast for breakfast and that was on the go. He had snacked a little out of dad's stash of goodies but nothing substantial. Here is my 10 year old telling me that if I wasn't going to eat then he would wait and take it home so he would not have to eat it in front of me. I told him that I am fine and to go ahead and eat so it doesn't get cold. That I am really not that hungry. He looked at me with his bright blue eyes and seriously matter of fact stated; Mom I can hear your stomach and I know you have not eaten today. I looked at him shaking my head and asked him what I would do without him. I slowly nibbled acouple of fries while he ate the rest. But this summer I can honestly say was the hungrest I have ever been in my entire life. But I did lose my hips that I have not been able to since having my second child-12 years ago. That was the good part of walking so much and being really hungry. The bad side was also the scary part because I was losing inches; not so much weight because I was putting on muscle in my legs, to the point I could start seeing my ribs and collar bone when unclothed. That worried me. Because I was all my 10 year old and husband had at this time. Because Bub had to go everywhere I went and wasn't 'allowed' friends to come over to the shelter, he pretty much only had contact with adults the entire summer. He did get to play outside with other children twice throughout the summer. Except for when we went by the free water fountain that the kids could play in. Then he played with a lot of kids but only for a hour or two and maybe 5-7 times the entire summer. He almost became my guardian. He watched me closely to make sure I was ok. Did I eat, was my blood sugar to low or ok; I have low blood sugar, did I get enough sleep, ect. I don't think he even back talked me at all during those 5 months. If we went into the Wal-Greens to pick up a few things with our food stamp card he would ask to go look at the toys. I told him not to ask for anything because I didn't have the money. On acouple occasions my mother-in-law did send some money and I made sure to get him something. He would tell me that he just wanted to look and that he didn't need anything. Besides that he knew there wasn't enough room in bedroom we shared with other mothers and children. The fewest in our bedroom was 5 including us, the most was 3 adults; and 6 children, including us. We did ok and made the best of our situation. There were some days that my husband was doing so poorly and needed me to be with him, or I had to straighten up something that was going on with his care that I did not agree with, and we would be up at the nursing home sometimes 8-9  hours a day. Yes Bub got bored, but for the most part, he Never complained more than once or twice the entire day. Honestly, he did better than me on some days. He watched his dad deteriate and get weaker and smaller. One day he noticed and commented that his calfs were bigger than daddy's legs. Dad smiled and cracked a joke, but I could see the concern on Bub's face. He would hurry out of dad's room when he would vomit due to whatever, he was non-stop sick for six weeks, vomiting every day and upto 6 times a day. Bub finally told me one day after I came out into the hall to tell him dad was okay now, he had tears in his eyes but did not cry, and he told me that he couldn't take this anymore. I told him that I understood and I would not make him come up if he was not comfortable. A differant day earlier in the months, we had agreed we were going to take the day off and just relax because we had walked so much that week that my legs just ached and my knees down right hurt; I have arthritus in them. After I had talked to my husband and told him we were going to stay home that day and he said that was fine, Bub later told me that he thought we should really go up and see dad but only stay for one or two hours because he knows daddy needs to see us. When he told me this, it was not coming from a typical 10 year old. He started school and that helped him somewhat because he was doing something differant; even though he doesn't like school very much because he is Learning Disabled and it is rather difficult for him. But he made a honest attempt to do his very best. It also gave me time to go up and tend to my husband and most days be back by the time Bub got off the but. By this time we had a babysitter who was AWESOME with Bub who also lived there, so if I had to be late I would call and let her know. We became good friends and would help each other out anyway we could. In September we got the opprotunity to move out of the shelter and in with a friends' friend which happened to be a single man in his 50's. He seemed really nice and we had been over there visiting many times. Bub liked him and he was nice to Bub. Even helped him make a homemade bow and arrows. Which is one of the things Bub really missed because we came from country or small towns to where he had woods to find all kinds of animals and just play outside all day. Our friend and babysitter also moved in with us. Bub had said that wherever she or we move, the others have to go too. For the first couple weeks everything was good. He would constantly ask for sexual favors and we would tell him no. He knew I was married and Bon had a boyfriend. Then he had became possesive. We were not allowed to bring any man to his house or yard. Not even my husband who is suffering from End Stage Renal Discease. He told Bon one day that he didn't care if it was raining outside, her husband is not allowed to come in his house.  Then one day when he was not home Bon told me that he had tried to fondle her and got upset because Bub would come in the room; even though she would tell him no. I had business to take care of at the nursing home and Bub wanted to stay and be a kid. But she told me that he had told her that one night after I went to sleep he was going to carry Bub into the living room and then go back in and " Take advantage of me" while I was sleeping. Bon told him that would be rape. He told her that I wouldn't report it because I would enjoy it. Ok, our situation has became nervous on a daily basis and I began to sleep with my 3 1/2 inch serraded pocket knife in my pillowcase every night. When my ex-husband began to pick me up for the weekends so we could spend time with my other children, he would tell me that he is not allowed to park on the street in front of his house. I had informed my ex of what all was going on, just in case God forbid I didn't call or E-mail them for several days, he would know to come looking for me. He had offered that if things got to bad that we could come and stay at his house. I told him thank you but I needed to be close to my husband and Bub doesn't do well changing schools. One Sunday evening, after my ex dropped us off and he had left; he began to park across the street on the other side of the road just to make things easier on me. Bon told me that He had went in his room and got out one of his guns and was pointing it at my ex and told her that the next time that man comes to pick me up he is going to shoot him. Now, it had become dangerous. I could not sleep that night. I had dosed off twice and awake both times within 15 minutes and had the same dream. My ex brought us home on a Sunday night and He shot him in front of my 10 year old. Then I would wake up. I was a nervous wreck. I called my case worker through an organization who helped families in need and told her everything that had been happening. She told me that I had to get out of there and NOW. She gave me numbers of acouple shelters that accepted women and children but they were all full. I told her about what my ex had said and told her I had no choice but to call him, and I would get back with her. Now please realize that my ex and I are better friends now then when we were married. He is also Bipolar and was not diagnosed until he was in his 30's and after our 12 yr old was diagnosed at the age of 9. He was the classic Bipolar with the up's and down's. Mood swings and violent tendencies. Once he understood why he was such a BUTT-HEAD AND HAD STUPID BEHAVIORS, he got help and learned how to control it. When I called him and told him what Bon had told me the day before and what my case worker told me and I asked him if his offer was still good and could he get a truck, he told me to call him back in 15 minutes. He had to wait for Drew to get home and meets his routine of snack and such after school, then went to a friend of his, said he needed the Suburban and left. They came to the nursing home and Bub stayed with his dad and Drew came with us. Just because Drew has a difficult time maintaining his activity and level of voice and choice of behaviors. I had called the police and had them meet us there like I was told to do. There were no problems and Bon had been able to get ahold of a friend of hers and I told her that we had a truck here right now that we could load up her things and take her there now. So we were both able to leave that night. When I explained to my husband that I had no choice but to move out of Ft. Wayne I was near hysterics. Not just because of all that was going on at the house but because I didn't want to have to leave him by himself with no family near. It tore me up. See he did not know anything not good was going on at the house. We did not tell him anything that could possibly make him upset or stressed. See he also has extremely high blood pressure, angina, emphazemia, and several others ailments that are almost as bad. But he said that he was sorry that I had had to go through that and that he understood that I needed to be somewhere safe and to make sure that Bub was also safe. He told me not to worry about him that he would be okay. That was 3 months ago. I have been up there sometimes once a week and then not be able to get up there once every other week. His health has deteriated since I have not been there. He suffers from worsened depression and anxiety as well. Last week I ended up having to go to the ER due to extreme lower back pain that went into my middle left side of the back and down to my knees. It was so bad that I was crying and could not sit or lay down. I was told that I have degenrative discs and that the nerves are being pinched which is causing the pain. I was prescribed two pain killers and told to get ahold of a back specialist. Which I did the other day and come to find out the doctor that the hospital referred me to does not accept my type of Medicaid. I didn't get my food stamps this month and was finally able to get ahold of the Family Services office this morning to find out what was going on. I told them that I had talked with someone a month or two ago and had changed all my information. But I was told that my case was still in Ft. Wayne and needed to get ahold of them to change things. I call them and after 20 minutes or what seemed like it, I had managed to talk to this stupid machine and notify this machine of my new address, amount of rent, ect, and was told that a case worker would be contacting me by phone sometime within the next 10 days. I thought this is so stupid, I already did this and now that I need to see a specialist because I am in pain and can't bend over, or reach above my head to get something without causing back pain that takes forever to go away, I have to wait. So I am not sure when I am going to be able to go and see my husband because it takes from 1 to 1 1/2 hours one way to get there. And there is no way I can sit that long even with taking breaks. My husband called me this afternoon and told me that he was not feeling good. I knew he had dialysis this morning and asked if they took to much fluid off. He told me he didn't know. Which was unusual because he always knows what they take off, and then I asked him if his blood pressure was ok or if was low due to dialysis, he said he didn't know. He has been extremely tired for the past several weeks and sleeping more and more, night and day. After we talked about those things and I told him about the food stamps and my case still being there, that I got his phone minutes for his cell phone and would send him some money tomarrow, he told me that he didn't think he had much longer to live. And I believe him. He just sounds so worn out and he is reaching the point his body is getting tired of fighting. He has had acouple of bad teeth for over a month now and the antibiotics aren't helping much, he has been puffy in the face and neck since around Christmas. Some from the infected teeth and some from the fact that they were not able to pull enough fluid off during dialysis. For some reason he was retaining to much fluid even though he was keeping his liquid intake below his limits. Last night I had not slept very well as I had two bad dreams. One was were my pregnant daughter slipped and fell on some ice and began to hemerage. Once we got to the hospital I woke up. The other dream is that I was called and told that my husband's liver gave out and he had passed away. This concerned me because in the past I have always had really good ESP. I had simpathy pregnancy symptoms and actually looked 7 months pregnant when my daughter told me she was pregnant. I get these feelings about one of my boys' behaviors and act on my gut feelings because 9 times out of 10 my intinct was correct. When I didn't listen or pay attentions to these feelings, they ended up having really bad days at school and ended up suspended. I have been driving and all of a sudden get visions of deer in the road. A good part of the times, I do see deer either in the road or close to the edge within the next 5 miles. Sometimes this is really creepy and there are times that I am wrong. But not when the feelings are strong. I always listen. I was stressed over that dream and was miserable this morning trying to figure out why I felt like I was going to vomit and was light headed. When I realized my ulcer was acting up and took my medication for it when it flares, I felt better. Then my husband tells me he doesn't think he will be here much longer. I have to believe him. There were two other times he told me this. Once in August 2007 and when I got him to the hospital, he was admitted to ICU. 8 hours after he was there his lungs filled with fluid and I was told that had he not already been in the hospital; he would not have made it through the night. The second time was in May 2008 and when I got him to the hospital he was in congestive heart failure and kidney failure.  Also, something else that really stinks is that I am going to lose our storage unit after all these months. I have fallen to far behind and can't pay enough to get caught up. It doesn't bother me a whole lot but it does my husband because his Nascar collection and things from his deceased brother are in there. Me, honestly I never cared for his brother and my husband knows that, and I have had so many obsticales throughout the years and have lost everything several times that material things don't mean much to me anymore. The more I have the more I have to lose. I figure I have lived over 8 months without it, I don't need it. Plus, my kids have most of their belongings in storage, which I feel very bad about. But Bub I honestly believe he expects us to lose it and yeah it will bother him but he will get over it fairly quickly. However, I have not told anyone except my ex about what my husband told me about his end being near. All the kids know he is sick and dying. They just don't know when. Whether it be months or years. I figure I am not going to add any undue stress. My daughter has been very hopeful that he makes it until May; when she is due to deliver her baby. That way he will be able to see his grandson and hold him. I think that means a lot to her. Although I am not sure why. My husband is her step-dad and they have never been close, so I am not sure about these feelings. She does love and care for him, they just weren't close. With everything from my husband getting sick and near death many times in several months, losing our trailor, having to quit my job and move to a shelter with hardly nothing, having CPS called on me because Bub was not in school when his dad first went into the hospital; school year was over in two weeks and he was failing so he was going to be retained the next year if I could help it, but I had to send him to my ex-mother-in-law's over a hour away in order to keep the state from taking him, and when he got there...the school principle said not to enroll him for their last week of school. Then my truck was towed and impounded which I could not afford to get out, so we lost my truck, being truely hungry and what felt like starving for months; just to make sure my son at least had two meals a day and acouple snacks so he might be hungry for acouple hours but not to the point of being unhealthy, walking so much in the extreme heat that we carried a big bag that sometimes weighed upto 40 pounds; I always made sure we had plenty of water bottles, some frozen which added weight, and snacks, candy for when my blood sugar dropped too low, that I ended up at the hospital because I was having severe stomach pains that I was having trouble breathing. I had ended up straining all my abdominal muscles and was prescribed three differant scripts and was told not to lift or carry anything over 5 pounds until my pain was completely gone. So I had to really down size what we took with us and Bub would help carry the bag. Which ended him up at the hospital because he had strained his shoulder by carring our bag which was heavy for him but insisted we take turns because he saw the pain in my eyes and I relented long enough for my pains to ease up or go away. Later I had a part-time job which due to my husband being in and out of the hospital so much in critical condition I missed a lot of work, they ended up only scheduling me 3 hours a week. But I would not quit which I know that is what the boss wanted. 3 hours was better than none. But I found some side work for a lady friend I had meet walking to the nursing home everyday. She needed weeds pulled from her yard area but these weeds also contained poison ivy and oak. I told her no problem, I am not allergic to those and have never broken out. I knew what poison sumac looks like when the leaves are red, but didn't know what it was when they weren't. Well all along her fence line; around 10 feet long and 4 feet tall was nothing but sumac. Come to find out, I am highly allergic to it. It had ended up getting into my blood stream. Because I had no money I couldn't get anything for it. Several times I asked the lady who ran the shelter if she could get something for my sumac because I was miserable. I contantly itched to the point I would violently shake in attempts to not scratch which made the pain intensify. My arms were covered from the wrist and some on my fingers all the way to my elbows; all the way around my arms, I had it on my neck, some on my legs and my right upper thigh that went down along my panty line around to my buttocks. I finally relented and Bub and I walked the two miles to the hospital just so I could get something for the itch and pain. I had never felt anything like it. This was so very intense. When the nurse came in and said yes this is what I have and then left, I absent mindedly scratched both arms at the same time, and oh my God...My arms itched so much more and the severe pains came that I began to bawl like a baby. I told my son not to worry that I would be okay. He looked at me with that look I normally would give the kids so they know I mean business, and said no you are not. He went into the hall way and found a nurse. I heard him tell her that his mom is in alot of pain and she needs something to take it away. He took the grown up roll and was very mature using adult wording that I was shocked, amazed, and proud all at the same time. He got me nurse to come in the room and give me something.  But all in all, he had to grow up way to fast at such a early age and has had to watch his dad's health get worse, and accepted it so his dad wasn't lonely; which is something that my adult step-children wouldn't do. This past year has been worse for me that several years put together that it has changed me and I don't know how to fix me. I have medication for depression and anxiety, my moods are ok, it is just the way I think or the way I work/run, I can't describe it. but I am just differant. But I do look forward to this year of 2009, in hopes that God decides it is time to call my husband home so he is no longer suffering, I have a grandson to help occupy my mind and for me to spoil. I have 4 other step-grandbabies but don't see them more that once or twice a year. I won't be the same. I feel I am bonding to Patrick even before he is born. My daughter has me massage her back every night I am able to and apply her lotion to her belly and sides to help avoid stretch marks. When I do the lotion and rub over her belly, I feel for where Patrick is and I talk to him.  I know I have to start over no matter what health my husband is in. And I accept that. A very long time ago I learned to take each week one day at a time. And some days I had to take minute by minute when Drew's Bipolar was raging. I never planned anything because he was my little volcano waiting to erupt. But I apologize this has turned out to be so long. I guess I ended up venting more than anything. But I think it felt good to just tell everything and not feel like I am going to be judged because I didn't have money, or at one point I had bummed cigs, or had to do things that I never thought I would just to make sure my child had what he needed, but nothing illegal. God Bless everyone who took the time to read all of this. I hope you are truely blessed. If anyone wants to help, Please pray that God decides it is my husband's time soon so he will no longer have to suffer. He doesn't deseve this, he was always a good husband and father. He has suffered much to long. Also that his suffering and pain eases up until it is his time to go. That is all I want. Is to know that my husband is no longer in pain. Because of what he has had to endure, I am a No Code Status, and if I am diagnosis with a life ending decease, my doctors can give me the medications to help ease the pain and I will allow myself to die. I will not put my family through what I have had to go through this past year and half. Life isn't long enough for anyone to have to go through this much crap. I PRAISE AND APPLAUDE ANYONE who is a caregiver for the termenally ill. This is such an undertaking. It is these such people that are heros of Society.