Hi, I am new to this website. I …
Hi, I am new to this website. I have a major food addiction problem. I use as comfort, rebellion but rarely for hunger. …
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Ybbil 
5:03pm, July 29, 2008
On July 7, 2008, Ava Rebecca Wright was born after 39 and a half long hours of labor. She weighed 7 lbs and 9 oz and she was 19 inches long. I am completely and totally in love with her. When she was born I decided that I had to get over this eating disorder thing. Kids are observant and she will notice and I don't want this life for her. I don't want her to ever feel guilty about what she eats or to ever look at her body and want to cut parts of it off. Even if she never sees me eating oddly, or hears me say anything related to food. She will pick up on the way I feel about food if I am not careful, so I decided that I have about 9 months before she begins to be aware of things like that, and by then I have to be completely better. Well, that was the first time I had made it without a binge for more than 4 days. I went 8 days without binging. Then I think I just kind of binged because I had make it a week, and that had always been my goal, so I was just assuming that I would afterward. Now, I haven't made it that long again. I binged for one day after the 8 day span, then went 6 days without, then binged for 2 days, then went 3 days without, then binged for one day and now I am on day 4 again. I have binged almost everyday of this 4 days span, but it is not the same as a "binge DAY." I kind of catch myself and then rationalize that it was REALLY a binge so that I don't keep going. I went to visit Ava on Friday. I had "binged" on 2 HUGE muffins and 2 HUGE glasses of chocolate milk that morning, but then I just decided that it was a BIG breakfast and that sometimes people eat really big breakfasts. My sister had asked me to bring Chick-Fil-A on my way into town. Since she is breastfeeding, it is hard for her to leave the house for more than an hour or so, because Ava is still so little. So I stopped and got us both lunch and took it to her. But as she ate hers she asked, aren't you going to eat, and I realized that it was easy to just say, "No, I had a late breakfast. I'll just save it for later." and I did. I ate the Chick-Fil-A for dinner and it was delicious. That's the good thing about their nuggets. They are good, hot, cold and re-heated. the best of all worlds, but the fries? If they get cold you may as well give them to the dog, cause they get nasty. Luckily, I'm not much of a fry girl - sweets are my weakness. Then yesterday, i started bad in the morning too, but when a friend came over, I was able to pick it up a bit again. But last night when I couldn't sleep I got up and binged, I'm not counting it as a binge because I don't really know what day it should belong to -- I'm just pretending that it didn't happen. But it did lead to my eating 3 slices of pizza this morning early. Then I felt guilty and nasty so I went back to bed, and accidentally slept through church. I was suppossed to lead the book club, but I just called and said I was sick when I finally woke up. They seemed to understand. I thought that would lead to all day binging because of the guilt. I had to go to the grocery store because there was nothing to drink in my house and I like water, but I need other stuff too. I bought a box of the fudge-stripe cookies (individual packs). I figured I could eat that for the rest of the day and not be too too bad in my calories, but I couldn't have anything else. Well, I got home and ate 2 of the packs and decided I didn't want any more right now. That doesn't meant that I won't eat them, but it means that I am not right now and that's something. I feel like I am improving but it is a slow, long process. It is interesting to realize it though. Because for so long I felt stagnant. I will see if I can post Ava's picture on here.
UPDATED GOALS
Not binge for 1 week
Progress 100%
Encouragements: 1
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Ditch Dichotomy
Progress 20%
Encouragements: 0
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