baconstrip's Journal

I feel like that everything that I do to help my relationship is just hurting it. We have some mager trust issues. I feel like crap because I always reminded that I am trust worthy. That means my partner is checking my phone, reading my journal, and hacking my accounts. I can't stand it. I punish myself enough, and having someone else reminding what a bad person I am does not help. I feel like more damage is being done by being around him. I don't know what to do.

I feel hopeless and I constantly depressed. He is not understanding about my illness. Although he says he tolerates me. Just reminds me like my pysitherpaist always say. I am here to maintain you not cure you. I know my partner is not here to cure me. I wish I could trust him with my feelings so I could let him know what is going on. But I don't trust him with my feeling. I have no privacy. I feel like I am being constantly judge and watched for all my faults.

All this just makes me feel like I bad person. His behavior just reinforces it. I wish we could have better communication with each other. I wish we could have a open honest relationship. Like we always wanted. I know he  is depressed, and he acts out alot becuase he does not know how to deal with his feelings. Or even igknowledge what is going on with him. I feel like I am being lied to when I ask him what is going on. and I am tired oh trying to make him talk about what is going on with him. I am tired oh our relatioship being like this. Things need to change or else we will be depressed for the rest our relationship.

I am afaird that my daughter picks up alot of it. And he uses my duaghter to take out some of his fustration. I try to watch my actions and mood around her. But I don't even think he is aware of his behavior mist of the time. When I bring it up with him he just turns it around on me. He plays the past so he does not have to deal with any negative situation. I am more depressed than ever because  of it. I feel like I want to run away, but I know won't solve anything. I am not sure of anything any more