baconstrip's Journal

I feel so horriable today.

I used to look through all theose online dating website. I would look through thousands of pictures, and look at every photo. I was looking for the one preson that will save me. Who was going to fix and make me all better? I was always looking for a person to make me better. Someone who would fix all my problems and make me whole. Than maybe the depression would go away. The manic episodes would stop. Than I would be normal. Would I really be fixed? What if that person left? What if that person took back that they gave me? Or took everything I gave them and ran? The would always leave. Who wants to fix other people?

Last night at my meetup. I was talking to a couple that have bippolar children. I felt so horriable. I kept thinking what if that was Joise? What if Josie became like me? That is my worse fear is that my daughter would have to go through what I have gone through. I felt bad enough that I was her mother that I tainted her and brought her into this world. I just want to run away from her every time I think about that. I don't ever want her to know that her mother is sick. That she tired to kill herself over and over again. That she tried killing herself when she was pregnant.

I would know why she would hate me in the future. I would not blame her. I hate my mother. I thought about all the times that I was crying out for help. That I wanted to know that I was not going crazy, that I was not alone. Instead I spent a lifetime, in pain, in the dark, trying so hard to hide myself.

I was talking to another friend last night that is bipolar. We talked about how exhausted it was to act normal. To pretend that there is nothing wrong. That is how I feel. I feel so worn out. I feel like that I am always "on", that I always have that mask on. I have a mask, that always doesn't stay on. Some times it slips and the real me is revealed. And who wants to see that kind of uglinest?

I am so tired pretending to be something that I am not. I am tired of always hiding me. Is really any chance for me to be truly who I am.

Cyndall did a tarot card reading last night. Everything that she shows me is always the truth. That is always right there, that I can not see before.