Journal

I feel like that everything that I do to help my relationship is just hurting it. We have some mager trust issues. I feel like crap because I always reminded that I am trust worthy. That means my partner is checking my phone, reading my journal, and hacking my accounts. I can't stand it. I punish myself enough, and having someone else reminding what a bad person I am does not help. I feel like more damage is being done by being around him. I don't know what to do.

I feel hopeless and I constantly depressed. He is not understanding about my illness. Although he says he tolerates me. Just reminds me like my pysitherpaist always say. I am here to maintain you not cure you. I know my partner is not here to cure me. I wish I could trust him with my feelings so I could let him know what is going on. But I don't trust him with my feeling. I have no privacy. I feel like I am being constantly judge and watched for all my faults.

All this just makes me feel like I bad person. His behavior just reinforces it. I wish we could have better communication with each other. I wish we could have a open honest relationship. Like we always wanted. I know he  is depressed, and he acts out alot becuase he does not know how to deal with his feelings. Or even igknowledge what is going on with him. I feel like I am being lied to when I ask him what is going on. and I am tired oh trying to make him talk about what is going on with him. I am tired oh our relatioship being like this. Things need to change or else we will be depressed for the rest our relationship.

I am afaird that my daughter picks up alot of it. And he uses my duaghter to take out some of his fustration. I try to watch my actions and mood around her. But I don't even think he is aware of his behavior mist of the time. When I bring it up with him he just turns it around on me. He plays the past so he does not have to deal with any negative situation. I am more depressed than ever because  of it. I feel like I want to run away, but I know won't solve anything. I am not sure of anything any more

I feel so horriable today.

I used to look through all theose online dating website. I would look through thousands of pictures, and look at every photo. I was looking for the one preson that will save me. Who was going to fix and make me all better? I was always looking for a person to make me better. Someone who would fix all my problems and make me whole. Than maybe the depression would go away. The manic episodes would stop. Than I would be normal. Would I really be fixed? What if that person left? What if that person took back that they gave me? Or took everything I gave them and ran? The would always leave. Who wants to fix other people?

Last night at my meetup. I was talking to a couple that have bippolar children. I felt so horriable. I kept thinking what if that was Joise? What if Josie became like me? That is my worse fear is that my daughter would have to go through what I have gone through. I felt bad enough that I was her mother that I tainted her and brought her into this world. I just want to run away from her every time I think about that. I don't ever want her to know that her mother is sick. That she tired to kill herself over and over again. That she tried killing herself when she was pregnant.

I would know why she would hate me in the future. I would not blame her. I hate my mother. I thought about all the times that I was crying out for help. That I wanted to know that I was not going crazy, that I was not alone. Instead I spent a lifetime, in pain, in the dark, trying so hard to hide myself.

I was talking to another friend last night that is bipolar. We talked about how exhausted it was to act normal. To pretend that there is nothing wrong. That is how I feel. I feel so worn out. I feel like that I am always "on", that I always have that mask on. I have a mask, that always doesn't stay on. Some times it slips and the real me is revealed. And who wants to see that kind of uglinest?

I am so tired pretending to be something that I am not. I am tired of always hiding me. Is really any chance for me to be truly who I am.

Cyndall did a tarot card reading last night. Everything that she shows me is always the truth. That is always right there, that I can not see before.