Future7's Journal

i think i am almost ready to send my parents the letter.  i need to edit it a little and be a little clear on my intentions.  i have been going back and forth about whether or not it is worth my time to bother making contact with them.  we haven't spoken since xmas due to their total lack of respect of my family, and my father's verbal abuse towards me in front of my baby daughter.  i had written them a very angry email after ther trip that basically said i demanded an apology for their treatment.  my father emailed me back this ridiculous letter back that (a) did NOT include an apology and (b) said that if i choose to end the relationship they would find the strength to move on. whatever.  it basically put the blame back on me for the strain on the relationship.  since then i haven't written them back; i have enjoyed having some breathing space from the drama. 

my therapist has been fighting me on this letter for the last few sessions.  she says that i need to send them a letter to take control back. the letter is to outline the boundaries for our relationship.  also, the letter is to restate that it is not MY decision to end the relationship and to put responsibility back on their shoulders.

the reason i fought with her about it was that i guess i feel like i really don't care if i never see or hear from them again.  i am tired of being manipulated.  i am tired of being hurt and treated poorly.  the physical abuse ended a long time ago, but the constant manipulation is too much for me to handle.

but, i am coming around to the idea now.  i am one of those people who remembers a lot of their dreams, and it seems these days ALL of my dreams have my parents in them...taunting me, trying to push my buttons.  i think what my dreams are trying to tell me is that i DON'T feel like i have control over this situation and i desperately need to get some.

i am going to edit and send the email i think today or tomorrow.  i know there will be some kind of repercussion...either my dad is going to call me and try to mind fuck me again or my mother will call crying which is just another form of manipulation as far as i am concerned.  i need to be careful to stick to the boundaries i am outlining for them.  i need to be careful to steer away from the emotional pull.  i am scared to deal with them again but i think in order for me to really begin to recover from the bpd i need to deal with this fear head on.