itsmylife's Journal

i obviously have some growing to do and i wish all these growing pains were over but i was always a late bloomer. my roommate (ex) came by to take me to the library and grocery store and he said (out of the blue) "you could be somebody if you could stay off the bottle." mind you, i stayed sober for 2 years when he was in my home sleeping on one of my beds and sitting with his fat ass on my sofa. in 1995 i went to rehab-not the first time but the most serious attempt i had ever made- and came home to a home liked looked more like a crackhouse than my home-he was helping his "sponsees" in MY home. christmas gifts were gone, the beds stripped of linen and comforters- one 30 years old and sentimental to me. my glasses were missing the arms to them-his "sober" buddies used them for pushing crack etc.... when i looked for my dog- a 9 month old siberian husky-i could not find him and when i asked about him my roommate said"he's dead." i later found out that no one cared for this dog- he was left on my balcony in the cold and in dog feces for days on end. the neighbors called animal control and my roommate got animal cruelty charges and forced to clean up the balcony. he supposedly took him to his sister's farm where he died the next day. it has been some years now and i still feel the guilt, the pain, the betrayal.for months i could not sleep and i still wish i had made a different choice. i never heard "i'm sorry" or anything for that matter but i was destitute and had to swallow the bile back down. i had been homeless and could not go back to the beatings and the rapes. but i never forgot. never.ever. did. i. forget. not. once.

well, back to the present. upon hearing these words of his "infinite"  wisdom something stirred in me and i suddenly felt human, felt like i was and always have been somebody regardless of my circumstances and regardless of my sobriety. i asked to go home and he said "why?" and i said "you said i could be somebody if i put down the bottle and it just occured to me that you did 6 years ago and you still aren't worth shit"

i was stone cold sober at the time.