itsmylife's Journal

i have debated sharing this God story as- after reading it- you will see. however,for those struggling with the concept of a higher power, it just might give you something to think about and leave your mind open to the possibility of a merciful greater presence in our lives. i know, for me, this story i share took away all doubt.i became a different person that day- one assured of being held by God through the most terrible of circumstances and the darkest of times.

it was the 17th of september of the year 2000. i was hopeless, helpless, and lost beyond measure. my family threw me out of their home, gave me $20 and told me to go somewhere- just not there. i got on a city bus not knowing where to go,really, but hoping a friend would take me in who lived in downtown houston. i walked to his apartment but he was not home. what to do? well,i tried the shelters. they were full. i did not have money enough for a motel room so i decided to go to a liquor store where, after getting a few more drinks in me, i could come up with a solution. i drank and i drank and i drank. then i just wandered. filled with self-pity. no one understood what it was like to be me- all the tragedies, the disappointments, the lost dreams. no one understood.

i was abducted .apparently, my wandering took me into a neighborhood known for its crime, crack dealing and the like . a neighborhood i would never have gone into had it not been for my drunken state. the good, poor souls who lived there because of financial circumstance rarely ventured outside but here i was. i was taken to an abandoned house built by blood and ruin, it seemed to me.i knew enough to know i was in serious trouble and there was no way of my getting out of what was going to happen. i was marched through clutter and debris to a 2nd floor where for the next two days i was beaten with a crowbar and repeatedly raped. many men,too many to recall. i begged to die. pleaded to die. i knew God surely had foresaken me- how could he have allowed this to happen to one of his children? even a dirty alcoholic like me?

after 2 days the men vanished and left me naked and bleeding in this house built of blood and ruin.i begged and begged and begged. and i heard a voice,first almost inaudible then growing louder. the voice said "it is not your time" then, because i thought i was dying and probably hallucinating, i started talking back to the voice. i said "but i am dying. i am dying of thirst."i weighed 85 pounds and i was bleeding. my lips were cracked and bleeding. i was hopeless and i just could not go on . not another day. not another minute. but the voice still persevered, growing more and more insistent. "get up", it said "and get dressed. for it is not your time". well, i tried to argue but the voice was so compelling. over and over again i said" i am dying of thirst." i attempted to say "bless me, father, for i have sinned" but the voice was having none of that-or so it seemed. eventually, the voice was stronger than any compulsion that i had ever had to drink or to drug. i could not escape it- though i tried. again i cried "i cannot make it. i am so thirsty. "i am dying- i know i am", i said to this voice one last time. the voice just seemed to whisper " it is not your time. get dressed."

finally, i did as the voice said. i felt i had no choice but i feared what i would find when i stumbled outside. the dealers were surely out in great numbers by now and i was afraid, so very, very afraid. i gathered up my clothes and my empty purse as i had also been robbed and started the process of doing what the voice said.i still kept speaking to it.still talked about my thirst, my fear of what i would find outside, of having no money to get home and that i had no home to get to. it seemed to me ,finally ,that i hadn't a choice but to follow this voice. and so it was and came to be that this woman wrapped up like garbage with one broken heeled shoe made her way past the remnents of other lost souls much like myself- filth and bottles and even baby bottles,pipes, and blood.

i stepped out of that house- you know the kind. the disrepair, falling down, reeking of the despair of people before me that would never be relieved. perhaps, they were not even of this world anymore. and my thirst. i was so thirsty.you cannot even imagine that thirst but i bring it to mind immediately.

the weeds were high,i knew that to be true, but in the weeds i saw something.cradled in the weeds in front of this house of blood and ruin, i saw something.i looked harder and i saw. i saw. a bottle of ozarka water half-filled. i grabbed it, drank it and i said "thank you, God" i then asked God to surround me with his spiritual light as i had to walk through that minefield of a neighborhood. and the streets were EMPTY. no one to be seen on a hot september day. it was as if a path had been made just for me. i walked to the end of the block and a bus came by.it stopped and the driver, his skin a different color than mine looked at me. not with pity. no, not that. he looked at me like one who believed in the power a human being can have when given the opportunity to do God's bidding. i said, (bleeding,skinny,dirty), i said "i have no money" and he said "climb on, sister, we will take care of you" and so it came to be that they did-all strangers but children of the same God. when i left the hospital i was taken to a safe house where i picked up my very first one year chip september 22, 2001.i wish that had been my only chip but it was not to be. i had lessons still to be learned. but i learned, most of all, i learned this: od is.even in houses built of blood and ruin. God is. 

i

i have struggled mightedly lately with depression/anxiety due to circumstances beyond my control. powerlessness can hurt like hell sometimes but it is part of the circle of life. losing 5 friends in 5 months, going to the hospital after a broken piece of glass cut my leg down to the bone, financial insecurities, my continued battle with my abuser who is trying to take my daughter away from the only home she's ever known--he is her father but the conception was one of force--with her aunt and her grandmother. she's 12 now and is fearful of her future. my little dog died on monday who was my companion in the worst of times when i lost custody of my child and the best of times when i finally got sober years later. i am a mama now...and a daughter....and a sister....and a friend. so i believe in God's grace. i have been the recipient of his mercy and compassion many, many times. i hope i stay teachable. i pray i never forget where credit is due, and i remind myself of what is written above to keep my face turned to the sun. the present storms are but a temporary thing. most of all, i am grateful that i finally was taught how to come in from the rain . for those who still suffer i offer to teach you too.