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itsmylife 
8:42am Yesterday
as i've stated many a time i haven't many friends. too much pain from the too familiar past. i didn't drink back then and so i have no blackouts to clothe me. i don't trust. i never married. i stay lonely. i heard my mother say yesterday that she was "stupid" and it finally made sense. to be raised by such a woman whose own mother tried to murder her (i never knew until a few years ago) i was expected to be SOMEONE. not for me but for her. but what i became is not what she wanted and i have been trying for years infinitum to get this woman to love me. i believe--because of aa--she does now because my poor lonely mother with her poor lonely daughter have suffered in parallel ways. and i forgive her. and she forgives me. my mother, my mama, who i need no matter my age have come to a crossroads of sorts. it is as if i now cradle her when she couldn't cradle me. how do you know about love when you've never even seen it?. i saw my grandmother once in englandand though i was like 9 years of age i did not like her. i sensed an instability that was malignant. my mother. poor little old woman. today, at 80+ she tells me these stories that break my heart because she still doesn't understand and she still wants to make sense of the inexcusable. she still-her mother long dead-wants her mother to love her. as i do my own but my own is doing the best she can to make amends for a past that nearly killed me. she gets it now. and i get it too. that is the beginning of recovery.
i am not on any pink cloud. life sucks. for me, at least. i think gratititude some days but some days......well, you know. if i could sing, of course, it would be the blues. only because i have a phd in that. in the past 4 months i have lost 6 friends i trusted with my secrets, my shame, my guilt. yesterday, i came home from work to find my blind, deaf, 20 year old chihuahua strangling to death on an article of clothing of mine. we don't know if she'll survive. probably not. and so i write this down because i have to be gut level honest and i am because i've been told "sobriety has to be enough". but fuck, i am tired of suffering.without booze. with booze. without drugs. with drugs. i am not happy and i never have been. there, i've said it. you who read this don't try to interpret. we are as we are as God is.
i miss rene. i miss tom. i miss bobdum. i miss zoe. i miss kristina. why? because i'm wondering if i'll ever, ever, get to that place of acceptance they got to. last night my roommate and i rushed our old dog to the vet. she was screaming. screaming. because she's blind and deaf and old and got entangled in clothes of mine that have made it impossible for her to walk on her back legs. and i hear her cry in pain at the emergency vet's and, once again, i hate myself. why am i here? i seem superfluous, disposable, redundant.
you may read this and want to tell me my feelings are not valid--that i did the best i could--but i did not. i cut corners on relationships just as i cut corners on being honest with you. i did not do my best. not with anyone. not with anything. i was too angry. too resentful and i passed the pain down.
please, you who know the roads i've traveled ,help me. i am lost and i cannot find my way home. please, i have a little girl. she does not deserve the legacy of her mother. but i love her. please love her too..............
Comments
DEVON ... JESUS ... YOU ARE SO HARD ON YOURSELF ... YOU SEEM TO BLAME ALL OF THE TRAGIC FORCES IN YOUR LIFE, ON YOURSELF ... WHY ? YOU HAD NO CONTROL OVER SOME OF THE THINGS THAT MANIFESTED IN YOUR LIFE .. I AM SOOOOOO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT THE DOG ... AGAIN PAIN, AND GUILT YOU WILL BESTOW UPON YOUR SHOULDERS, AN ACCIDENT FOR WHICH YOU TAKE THE BLAME ... I DON'T THINK YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR ENOUGH, TO ACTUALLY SEE WHAT A BEAUTIFUL PERSON YOU ARE ... YOU ARE GORGEOUS .. YOU HAVE A RADIANCE ABOUT YOU, THAT SHOWS THROUGH IN YOUR SMILE, WHICH YOU SEEM TO CONCEAL ALOT ... DEVON ... PLEASE DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP SO MUCH ... YOU ARE MAKING YOURSELF DEPRESSED WITH ALL OF THE SELF LOATHING YOU ARE FEELING ... MAIA IS GOING TO NEED HER MOMMY SOMEDAY TO PUT BACK ALL THE PIECES IN HER SHATTERED LIFE ... THIS PIG OF A MAN WHO HOLDS HER IN BONDAGE, AND FORCES HER TO LIVE WITHOUT HER MOTHER , IS TRYING TO DESTROY YOU BOTH ... YOU NEED TO STAY STRONG FOR HER !! YOU NEED TO KEEP UP THE FIGHT, AND FOLLOW IT THROUGH UNTIL YOU TRIUMP !! SHE NEEDS YOU IN HER CORNER, SHE WILL ALWAYS BE CONNECTED TO YOU , DON'T LET THIS BASTARD WIN ... HE IS THE DEVILS FRIEND ..
EVIL WILL NOT PREVAIL OVER GOODNESS !! YOU DEVON, HAVE THE STRENGTH AND STAMINA TO FORGE AHEAD AND CHANGE THIS HORRIFIC SITUATION ... YOU DON'T NEED MONEY, AND LAWYERS, AND BULLSHIT .. YOU NEED YOU, AND THE RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE WITH THE LORD, TO PULL THIS OFF !! AND YOU WILL PULL IT OFF DEVON, BELIEVE THAT ! I TOO QUESTIONED MY FAITH MANY TIMES, AND I AM A FAR CRY FROM BEING PIOUS ... BUT I KNOW THAT THE LORD LOVES ME, DESPITE MY MIS-GIVINGS, AND THAT HE NEVER HAS TURNED HIS BACK ON ME YET .... HE WON'T WITH YOU EITHER .. JUST ASK HIM TO GUIDE YOU, ASK HIM TO PRAY FOR YOU AND MAIA, ASK HIM TO PERFORM ONE OF HIS MIRACLES, AND REUINITE YOU WITH YOUR LITTLE GIRL ... HE IS A GOOD, AND LOVING GOD !! HE WILL HEAR YOUR CRIES, AND TURN YOUR SITUATION AROUND, WITH THE BLINK OF HIS EYE ... HAVE FAITH DEVON !! HE IS A PROUD GOD, AND HELPS US WHEN WE ASK !! BUT WE MUST ASK ... I TOO AM FEELING THE LOSE OF ZOE ... SHE WAS AND IS A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING !! SHE WILL SHINE DOWN UPON US, AND HOLDS FOR US A PLACE DEAR IN HER HEART !! SHE IS A TRUE ANGEL NOW, AND ALL OF HER PAIN AND SORROW HAS BEEN LIFTED, REPLACED BY EVERLASTING LIFE IN HEAVEN !! THIS SHOULD BE A COMFORT TO US BOTH !! I AM HERE FOR YOU ALWAYS DEVON ... YOU ARE A TREMENDOUS FORCE IN MY LIFE, I AM PROUD TO KNOW AND LOVE YOU, MY FRIEND !! MARIE
Scorp55
oh devon.you are so special to me for being just who you are...i can help you find your way home.i need to too,we can go this road together......i never knew what love was growing up either,my mom was emotionally absent and my dad was an alcoholic and never really around.....i didnt know how to love or be loved either in my adult years,i guess i am still that way,cuz i dont wanna let this wall down too much.really sad to say but for my children either...i do the best i can do,but my kids so deserve more....i guess i will work on that.....lets walk and find home(PEACE)TOGETHER.....
Hokte
i love you devon thats all i can say for now. i honestly love yuo for you.
carolina320
Devon, i will in noway pretend that i have "useful" advice or any sort of an answer to the horror that u have descibed in ur jounal. all i can say is that i am VERY sorry that u have suffered in so many ways in ur life!! (and the dog to top it off...even more shitty!!) but i must tell u that (tho i dont kno her) this friend of yours, "Scorp55" is one very intellegent person. her words ring very REAL and very TRUE!! GOD WILL pull u threw all of this and much more. just ask HIM.
im also sorry to hear that u have lost so many friends. but ur friend i spoke of above, seems lika keeper! and i would be honored to be ur friend and help u in anyway that i can. u will be in my prayers. God bless~~~
septfreedom07
Devon, you are so specail , I agree with everyone comments. You are and always have been so hard on yourself. Your a great friend. Advice I cant give you , friendship I can always know I am here , pick up the phone anytime. BIG HUGS
only1SHEBA
I read your journal. I am so sorry for your current situation with your special pet. I have a little cat that I love very much & I would share your pain in a situation such as yours. I don't blame you for feeling down. Its okay. I know how you feel on the honesty and low "self-worth" issues. I can relate very much to what you have written.
The human condition is not one of "perfection". We -all-of-us...are "works-in-progress". God knows this, and we are not seen by our creator as dark little inadequate creatures. But rather -souls on journeys, imperfect at best, and learning to grow through the journey. Thats the best we can do, any of us. Grow as much as we can...and learn to love unconditionally
-especially to love ourselves. Its not easy for most of us "addictive-types" -but the path will always continue. In this world or the next.
Know your feelings are valid...but there is more to you that is ever more beautiful...the side of you which God sees shining clearly. The side your friends see also!
AaronW
AaronW
thank you for replying. the ring of pity shines through though. well, at least i'm decided to back to the world of the living. excisting is a shitty way to live.
itsmylife