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itsmylife 
8:42am
dear leo,
you asked me for a biography of sorts regarding my relationship with scott smith in order to gauge the best way to deter his attempts to assume full custody of our daughter, maia nicholette. this is a story still 12 years in the making and yet the fear is as real today as it was the very first time i saw clearly the extent of what i call sociopathy. though i am no pychologist, i am a woman whose autonomy, whose very life, has been compromised and, indeed, held hostage by a relative stranger. some--probably his family or possibly not--would call him human but i call him a lesser being. i call him a madman. when i was in the turning point (battered woman's shelter) we had classes on how not to go back to our respective abusers. we had classes on transitioning back into the thinking of an empowered woman and not a victim as so many saw themselves. these classes did not teach me how to get a relative stranger out of my life. we had classes on how to hide, stay safe, use the legal system for protection. we had many, many classes. while most used the shelter for a 30 day period and then moved on with lessons learned, i knew no such lesson applied to me. and so i stayed. i stayed . and i stayed. finally, after more than 1 year there i moved on to what looked like safety. i found myself a home of sorts far from my abuser and i lived in obscurity or so i thought. i was wrong.
in 1995 i was an alcoholic drowning in the desperation familiar to all of us lost in addiction. my hands shook so in the mornings i could no longer button shirts and so pull overs were the order of the day. vomiting early in the morning was as certain as the sun rising. i was dying. i knew about alcoholics anonymous and the day came when i also knew my only chance was to learn how to not drink one day at a time. aa promised a new way of life. how enticing to a woman who had not known how to live for such a long time. i walked into the rooms of aa at the end of october in 1995. it was true! i witnessed the laughter of those who once were me giddy with their freedom, the freedom of escaping a holocaust named alcoholism. i lingered in the rooms for quite a while and made my introductions. a boy/man walked up to me and introduced himself as scott. he, too, had found a new way of life and i listened intently as he described his own journey back from hell. then i left only to return the next day. and the day after. i spoke with scott every time and he finally mentioned to me that all was not perfect in his life. indeed, he had no place to live and was sleeping on a couch at the aa club. being a specular codependant i offered him the use of the shower at my house and the couch for the night. why i thought i could help someone when i could not help myself is a question for people far wiser than i. scott came home with me that day and my nightmare began...
he would not leave. i called shelters, halfway houses, and the like but he still would not leave. meanwhile i was flying (i am a flight attendant) so i spent only 3 days of the week at my home--hardly enough to be truly bothered by the intrusion and yet i was was. finally, i decided i must call the police to get in out. he had already been arrested while at my home for some misdeed i was not privy too. he had threatened suicide as well. i called his family but they had wiped their hands of him. sometime in december of 1995 maia was conceived in an act of violence. no longer could i tolerate one more minute with this anomoly of a human being in my house and i called the police. he was removed. i discovered i was pregnant in january of 1996. this baby bore no responsiblity for the actions of an adult and so i carried this child to term paying for all expenses out of my own pocket. the pregnancy was hell. scott stalked me day and night. he slept outside my door. he threatened me with guns. he stole clothes of mine from the laundry. he called incessantly through the day. but i was determined to bring this baby into the world and so i did. maia was born into this world on october 5, 1996.
the birth of maia did not deter scott. he stalked me constantly even going so far as to trying to have me committed by insisting i was his wife and suicidal. i believe in some fashion he believed it himself. the day my father died he came to my parents house insisting i go out to lunch with him. he never, ever stopped. he has not stopped as of this date, may 14, 2008. i wish i could say i stayed sober but i did not. in fact, my drinking escalated and i started taking drugs as well. my life--if you could call it that-- was intolerable. i told my mother of scott's abuse but she didn't believe me. after all, i was a nonreliable drunk. my sister in law was at the aa club when scott came in brandishing a gun. we told my mother. she did not believe either one of us. he was so nice. he gave her money and commiserated over her lot in life having to contend with this very sick daughter and her very sick actions. in case she wasn't aware of them he told her stories... one in particular was a story of how i prostituted myself to get money. he said he had pictures... that i was still flying was not given consideration. finally, i was served with papers and my mother got custody of maia. she did not know who the father of the baby was and had to know before the guardianship was approved. the only constant in my life was scott and so she had him dna tested. you know the rest. the next few years i was on the run. i could not work--i took a 2 year leave--and i slept on many a couch , in many a shelter, in many a bus station. my mother had betrayed me--or so i thought--and i had no one. no one. i overdosed many times, had alcohol poisoning many times, tried to commit suicide many times. eventually i made my way into the turning point and it was there i found my bearings once again. i had seen scott expose himself. he told me he had been arrested for masturbating in public--he was jovial about it--and i witnessed him stroking himself in an aa meeting during my pregnacy. he had a penchant for obscene phone calls as well. i did not ever, ever want him around my sweetheart girl. he tried in 2001. my legal team from the shelter and my testimony thrarted that outvcome. prior to that he served 2 years probation for terroistic threates made against my mother and sister. he still asked about me and my whereabouts. in 2005 the bp plant had an explosion. many were killed and bp set aside 1 billion for legal claims. though he was not affected--he was no where around this area and had only just started working there--he knew how to scam and got 1.5 million for ptsd. first, he hired someone to find me. he did. then he filed for full legal custody of maia. again. my mother and sister are now on the receiving end of his abuses and i know they regret the day when he walked into their lives as well. there is so much more i can tell you but i haven't the time today. i must get dressed so i can once again face my abuser, my executioner in court. he will not, ever keep me hostage. not ever again. nor will he assume the role of head of household in a house--where he is present i can not call it home--where my daughter is at his mercy. i could tell you of irs fraud where he got monies due to my child and spent it on a car and i will but i haven't the time today. you see, this momma is a tiger and her baby girl is her cub. i have a war to fight and, God willing, we will prevail... below, leo, is a letter i wrote to maia--she has never seen it--on the day i first lost her. but, you see, i never really lost her. i just gave her to God for safe keeping...
my darling baby girl,
i love, i love you, i love you. you are the best that can come from me.you are the best seller i never wrote.the truce i could never make. you inspire, you coerce, you create all that is holy for me,that is good in God's universe. child of my heart, we are a communion of sorts, mother and daughter, in us i imagine redemption, an inherit good and if i could i would bless you with enough stars to buy you the world. but mother's can't give the world (nor fathers, nor even husbands, lovers, or children)-the world sometimes just happens to us, or if we begin with more wisdom than your mama had, we might help ourselves to the world.i feel the wisdom in you and i offer a prayer for its
continued growth.
on this, the day i say goodbye to you, i wish more than i've ever wished for anything that you be gifted with good health, great joy, extravegant love. i would tear down a star and put it in a box- if i could. i would seal up love in a long thin bottle so you could sip it whenever it was needed- if i could. for you. my sweetheart girl.
i love you maia nicolette. you are closest to my heart, closer than any other human being. you are my extention. you are my prayer. you are my belief in God. for better or for worse, you inherit me.
mama
i wrote this a long time ago and my daughter has never read what i've written but one day she will open my closet door and an infinite number of letters and poems will fall out-all for the love of her.i lost her when she was almost 3 years of age. she is 10 now. before you take a drink knowing you should not-you are alcoholic- remember what is written here and ask yourself- is this worth it? devonh
Comments
WOW. I'm absolutely speechless. Unfortunately, money is power. I wish I knew a hit man!! (I don't).
Like you, I would have made the same initial offer to a 'friend.'
I met Lee at an AA facility & I've met others like him.
Fortunately for me, Lee killed himself & I'm free at last.
We need to all stick together on this one. In the meantime, are you documenting all of this? Probably a stupid question.
Let me know if there's anything I can do.
Love ~ Cathy
taloola
speechless is an understatment, i will pray for your day, it is gonna be tough. And you my friend are that and above, love from me to you
4sheba
i am so touched by what you are,darling that day will come when together you will be reunited ,much love darling x
daz66
just when i think i have read all the tenderness and love that emanates from your beautiful soul, you outdo yourself once more. You have touched my heart so deeply and today i am again speechless. There should be a movie made about your life with its heartbreak and brutality suffered at the hands of fate. you truly could help anyone with hope lost for whatever the reason, and be their profile in courage. I pray for you this day and every day after. You, my sweet, beautiful lady are a truly courageous woman, and god is the best attorny you can have. He will not take this child from you, i promise you. Life with all its frailties would, could not be that cruel. I am sitting next to you today in the courtroom and i want you to know there are so many people out there that love and respect you: i being one of them. God bless you Devon the devine one. glamgal
glamgal
Oh devon that was absolutely beautiful I felt all your pain and also your love, keep strong and one day you will be reunitedxxxxxxxxx
rose1
VERY NICE
longbow456
That was so beautiful, and amazing. Your writing makes me feel as if I am right there living the whole situation myself. You have a wonderful talent. Thank you so much for sharing so many of your reflections on past life experiences. I feel we can all learn from them, and it is greatly appreciated.
Hugs and love to you...Nick
nar3a63
Devon I am so sorry for the pain this man has caused you over the years. You fight with everything you have...plus you have God on your side as well. Stay stong and know that God will not fail you. My prayers are with you my friend......nancy
hike
What a great journal you wrote. Especially the end where I had to revamp my stinking thinking of drinnking. Thank you. I feel your pain, as I too had to give a child to a better place because where she would have been with me at the time was not in the best interest. My daughter is now 12 I pray one day she will not resent my decision made out of the purest love. Know my prayers are with you and thank you again for taking me out of self.
Athenean
My heart goes out to you hun. You habe become a stronger person and time will change things to the better for you. Hugs.
AliasPandaBaby
DEAR, I'm new to this site, but I've read your journal, comments, ect... When I read this last journal entry, there was a part of me that said,"Please say this is not true, this is not your life." I've noticed from your comments you have such wisdom, poetry, and empathy... I've thought off and on today... why must you suffer so... I have no advice to give... even thouth I am a licensed clinical psycholoist (although I have my own issues and an honest member in need of support from this group because my issues are a secret because of my profession) I can only say a piece of my heart and prayers will be said for you. Someone with your compassion, love,and understanding deserves such a better life.... I'm not sure if you have any religious beliefs, but if you do, "What is God wanting you to do? what is he molding you for? What do you need to do to stay in his guidance? Blessings sister... peace in your soul, I beg for you.
Cateyes101
Devon,
I'm feeling speechless but I'll try to speak.
You're amazing in so many ways, I so admire you and so feel for you. I'm glad u haven't given up on God and I know God hasn't given up on you. Don't stop fighting and I won't stop praying for you and your beautiful child.
ktharp423
Devon - I'll keep you and your daughter in my prayers, and specifically pray that this nightmare will end for you.
Jacker
devon, what can i do for you. i feel like i want to come over and hug you. i usually don't read journals but was compelled to read yours. Thank you for sharing this, it really has helped me understand you. i am now going to read more entries...
Moonflake
well I finally got to read it all.I cannot say much because this is a story lived and relived by so many everyday.Its an epidemic.That the billions of dollars are spent to keep abusers free and happy.To keep loving people prisoners.Children attacked,murdered,abused,never to live normal lives.All for urges ,control,it is sickening to me.Bless you for so eloquently putting on paper your past present and future dreams for yourself and your beautiful little girl.XXOO
nightstar
Are youre fingers sore?
hogrotten
Wow - you are such a good fighter - good for you -
LindaJean
Devon, this journal brought me to tears. You are indeed a fighter, Mami. I hold you and your family close to my heart, and I pray that this will all be solved sooner, rather than later. I know you have worked very hard, and helped many others along the way, to get to where you are today. I wish your path had been smoother, and I'm so glad that you have the fight within you to reach for your goals.
I am also glad that that monster does not have your daughter. I am grateful that your family is keeping her from him. At the same time, I can see how much you love your daughter, and most of all, my heart will rejoice when the two of you are together, away from him, safe from him.
I don't know why I thought of this guy as your ex. I was wrong for assuming that.
Nee123
you are one strong woman!
Hokte
Your situation you are in reads like a horror movie. I'm so sorry someone like you has to go through this, and you are right to say he is less than human. It's amazing how acts of kindness can turn into a nightmare like this. I hope you can soon wash yur hands of him and start a new life.
jill1978
Devon, I cried as I read this. Your love for your daughter and what you have been through speaks volumes. I am so very glad to have met you, and I am proud to call you my friend. You are in my prayers and I ask for you and your daughter to be together in peace. Love you, L.
InMyOwnSkin
Wow, that's all I can say, wow...
SMillet
DEVON ..... WHY ARE WE DEALT SUCH HORRENDOUS LIVES ?? I ONLY KNOW THAT THE LORD HAS THE FLOOR PLAN ..... I AM SO SORRY FOR ALL OF YOUR DEEPSEEDED HEARTFELT PAIN .... THIS ASSHOLE SCOTT, NEEDS TO COMMIT SUICIDE, GOD FORGIVE ME, AND RID THE WORLD OF SHIT !!!!!!!! YOU ARE A WONDERFUL, NURTURING, HUMAN BEING, THAT HAS SO UNSELFISHLY REACHED OUT TO SO MANY HELPLESS, HOPELESS PEOPLE .... YOUR GIFT GOES FAR BEYOND THE NORMAL REALM OF LIFE, AND WITHOUT YOU DEAR DEVON, IT, THE WORLD I MEAN, WOULD REALLY SUCK !!!! STAY IN FAITH THAT THE LORD WILL NOT TURN HIS BACK ON YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER, AND THAT HIS GREAT WISDOM AND PURITY WILL PREVAIL OVER THE EVIL THE DEVIL HAS BESTOWED UPON YOU AND YOURS ........ AND ALL OF US ................. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU DEAR DEVON, AND I KNOW THAT ONE DAY SOON, YOU WILL BE REUNITED WITH YOUR CUB, AND THAT DEVON , IS ONE OF HIS BLESSINGS TO YOU, AS PROMISED !!!!! STAY STRONG, AND NEVER ALLOW THE DEMONS THAT TRY TO ENGULF YOUR SPIRIT, TAKE UP A PERMANENT RESIDENCE THERE ................... GOD BLESS !!! MARIE
scorpio55
WOW! I'm speechless. Your one strong lady!!
brucem