Journal

I am coming to the end of trying to cope with this Fibro.

I have just got up and I am so depressed,I can,t hide behind it anymore.

I know that coming off the Citalapram is making things worse as I have nothing to relieve me of the symptoms of Fibro but right now I can,t take it.

I phoned the doctor yesterday and the one I saw has left,so I have to go back again on Friday to get new meds and they don,t have a clue about Fibro.So I have no meds and feel like the world has come down before me.

I have got into dept with rent and stuff becouse I have not rememberd to pay it,its in the bank but I have not rememberd it,now I have to get my daughter to take control opf all my bills and remind me of what I have to do.I am sick to death of not having my own life,of losing conrol of my life I have nothing of me left.The Mission worker that helped peaple has gone,the prayer worrior that helped to keep the church in prayer has gone,the person who had everything in control has gone and I have been left with a shell,that don,t go out alone,that spends all my time relying on other peaple to go out,who has just heard that a young boy in Peckham has been shot and killed and I can,t do nothing to helpWho am I right now?

What am I here for?

What life do I have?

I want control of my life back.

Its been raining all day today and I was going to do my windows today and finish off the garden,well got nothing done lol.

I have been home all day today and fell asleep for a while this afternoon,something I have not done for a long time as been with daughter all day since I come to Ashford.So tes I am at home and I am getting there which means that I am settling down a bit.

You know some times its hard to except what God has given me,I think that s the reason that I have been so unsettaled too.I had a nice flat and was decorated very nice as well as having all the disablity stuff to help me.I always thanked God for my little house as I called it,everyday I would say thankyou Lord for my house.Now I have a bigger and better one and I can,t get used to it,I keep thinking this is all too good for me,the area,the garden,the fields,everything is just so nice.And maybe God has given me something that is not just ok but is all I have ever wanted.And I can,t except that I deserve it,I will never ask for a lot,and can make a home from nothing.But now I have it and I ask myself Why would this happen to me,I don,t need anything fancy or rich just peace of mind a day without pain and to give peaple all the love I can.

Its funny but I was going to buy a cat or get one from a refuge,we came home the other day and sitting right outside my front door was a cat,he was so thin and his fur was knotted up.He had hardly any teeth and what he did have were rotten.So I gave him some chicken to eat and he was finding it hard as his mouth was sore,as I opened the door he ran upstairs and just sat there like as if to say this is my home now.We all laughted and said be carefull what you ask for,I wanted a cat and look what was sent to me lol.

Not feeling to well today at all,I have been coming off of some of my meds as directed by the doctor.I knew that the affects would not be nice but did not expect it to be this bad.I was on 40 mg of Citalapram a day and my doc said it would be best to come off and start a new one called cym something lol,keep forgetting the name.

So now I am down to 10mg a day and next week have to go down to nothing and then start new ones.I have not had anysleep for a week now and the sweating is driving me mad,trying to not let it get to me,hope the new ones don,t give me bad affects.Apparently the new ones are good for Fibro helps the pain and depression too.Still lets not get to moany about it,it is my grandson,s B.Day today made him a choclate cake,and brought him a cook book as he loves cooking he is 26 today how time flys don,t seem that long that I was watching him being born.

Its been a lovely sunny day today,but now getting cold,and soon be Christmas oh my thats when my headach begins so many to buy for.4 DAUGHTERS,3 SON-IN-LAWS,11 GRANDKIDS,5 GREATGRANDKIDS mUM AND SISTER,OH YES THEN THERE IS FREINDS. hELP.

My daughter just rang me and ask me to make jumpers for her bears,she collects them and said that 3 of them need jumpers,and when am I going to finish her blanket,I keep saying that this is the last blanket and then someone else wants one.Well beter get the wool out and start on the poor teddies jumpers lol.