angelofthedarknite's Journal

I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm in a real downer and I'm getting like super obsessed with cuttin, my visions r getting really hard to fight off, right now I have a vision of my arm with a really big cut right accross it, I've had it for the last 3 days and quite frankly, it's scaring me, becuase the only way it will go is if I do that big cut, and I don't really want to. In group today I talked about that vision and another I've been having which is, my mate comes into check on me only to find me in a pool of blood and slit wrists, laying on my bed dead, and broke down in tears and thats the first time ever I have cried properly in group, let myself have my tears, sure it was really hard, and I mean really really REALLY hard becuase I don't cry in front of people because I feel embarrassed and ashamed and feel like I look so much uglier when I cry. My tears were all about anger, I'm angry at everything in my life, I'm angry I don't have money, I'm angry at my living situation, I'm angry I don't have any family support, I'm angry at myself for giving into my thoughts and urges to cut, and I'm angry at my dad for leaving me 5 and a half years ago, the list could go on but I can't think what else makes me angry at the moment. I feel like I'm in a trance and I can't snap myself out of it. I was talking to 1 of my friends last night on the phone for about a hour coz I was having a really hard time with my visions and thoughts and explained what a urge to cut was like for me and that is the feeling I get when I could nearly murder for a smoke except these urges to cut r worse than that and she was shocked, she said that was hardout. I'm not concentrating much on this journal entry, will write some when I feel more concentrated.

Chrissie