Journal

Well, I know it's been a while since i last wrote in here but I have been busy, the money came through from my grant that I wrote a few weeks ago and my friend and I have booked our ferry tickets to get from the south island to the north island, and we both have enough to go. At the moment, for the next 2 weeks I'm going to be selling all my stuff that I can't take with me, or that I don't wanna take so yay I can't wait to start a new life up in the north island... much better weather! I can't wait until I leave, it's only 2 weeks tomorrow to wait... my feet r so itchy it's driving me insane!!! I have 2 more sessions with my therapist to go and thats a scary thought, coz Ive been seeing her since 2006 (with a year taken off when I wasn't studying) and she's helped me so much, it's going to be sad but I can't keep relying on others for advice, and help, I need to stand on my own two feet. When I get home (after 3 days of driving) I'm going to tell my mum EVERYTHING, my cutting, my depression, my borderline personality, my drug taking, my Out Patient Group therapy, my one on one therapy, absolutely everything, I don't know if it will change anything for the better or worse or just stay the same, but I feel mum needs to know whats been going on since my dad passed away and before. God, she thought the Self Harming was a phase that I would grow out of when she found out when I was 16 but 10 years on and I WAS still doing it. It's been 4 months since I last cut and my therapist and I agree that I have basically given it up for good. I do have to admit, I do still need therapy, but it's therapy that I can't do while I'm here, it's gotta be when I move up north. Well, I need to get to bed, going to visit people tomorrow that I haven't seen for weeks, and don't know if I will have time to see them before I move. SO TTFN!

Chrissie

I wish all these visions and thoughts would just f*** right off, I'm sick of fighting them, I'm sick of cutting (which I haven't done for a week), I'm sick of going to OPG, I'm sick of work, I'm sick of f****n everything. The visions r sooo intense and nothing gets rid of them except cutting. They r a piece of skin, wether that being my arm, foot, leg, or what ever and it's like a movie, an action picture thing, I can see my hand making that cut, with the cold silver blade, sometimes they r small shallow fast cuts, but other times they r long deep slow cut and I can only cut in 1 place, against my bed, AND THEY R HONESTLY DRIVING ME NUTS!!!!!!!!!!! I'm obsessed over cutting, and they r so damn hard to fight. Today, I said to myself enoughs enough and I went to see da Dr and I have been put back on my happy pills (Citalopram) and shes going to send a email or something to my therapist who I go back to see next Monda. At group today I did a Psychodrama about all the counsellors therapists teachers who have been on my side for the last 10 years since I've been in the mental health system and then theres my mother who doesn't give 2 flying f***s what the f*** happens to me and it brought up alot and I feel absolutely horrible, I was happy when I woke up this morning and now at 4:30pm I feel like shit. To make matters worse, I have haemorroids and am very clogged up, so I'm not doing that well, emotionally/mentally and physically, I could have taken today off work but I said no, I need to work. Which reminds me, gotta go. 

Chrissie

I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm in a real downer and I'm getting like super obsessed with cuttin, my visions r getting really hard to fight off, right now I have a vision of my arm with a really big cut right accross it, I've had it for the last 3 days and quite frankly, it's scaring me, becuase the only way it will go is if I do that big cut, and I don't really want to. In group today I talked about that vision and another I've been having which is, my mate comes into check on me only to find me in a pool of blood and slit wrists, laying on my bed dead, and broke down in tears and thats the first time ever I have cried properly in group, let myself have my tears, sure it was really hard, and I mean really really REALLY hard becuase I don't cry in front of people because I feel embarrassed and ashamed and feel like I look so much uglier when I cry. My tears were all about anger, I'm angry at everything in my life, I'm angry I don't have money, I'm angry at my living situation, I'm angry I don't have any family support, I'm angry at myself for giving into my thoughts and urges to cut, and I'm angry at my dad for leaving me 5 and a half years ago, the list could go on but I can't think what else makes me angry at the moment. I feel like I'm in a trance and I can't snap myself out of it. I was talking to 1 of my friends last night on the phone for about a hour coz I was having a really hard time with my visions and thoughts and explained what a urge to cut was like for me and that is the feeling I get when I could nearly murder for a smoke except these urges to cut r worse than that and she was shocked, she said that was hardout. I'm not concentrating much on this journal entry, will write some when I feel more concentrated.

Chrissie