Journal

Hi, I am Kelly, 07kelz, I am Claire's girlfriend. If anyone has had any messages from this account since the last journal was posted it was her ex, Steve. He has been playing mindgames with us all.

Just to clarify he is not back with Claire, never will be. He didn't go back to her house and have sex as some of you were led to believe. I shall be changing passwords so only me and Claire can get on this account.

At present Claire is in hospital, well rehabilitation, she has had many strokes and operations and is currently on the men *ish*.

Message Claire or me on this account or my own account.

Take care all.x.x.x.x.x.

I DID IT I WENT TO THE DOCTORS TODAY I LETF THE HOUSE AT LAST I KNOW........

 ONE COLOUR FACE CHANGE  

ok it was not ease by any means one of the hardest things i hasve done my dad come right up to my front door to pick me up. the waiting room was the word part i have never noticed before but  the walls  feel like they fall in wards. it was totally packed to so that didnt help, and of course she was late,

steve wanted to come in with me buti wanted and had to do it myself if he came in i wouldnt have opened up to her,

i toold her about te voices about the wanting ti hurt him and ppl that are around me, it felt good to let it out but i couldnt cry i couldnt totally let go. one major part i did miss out but i need to work on that one myself first.

she talked for about 20 mins she has put me on Diazepam for 2 week at 10mg 3 times a day. so i may not be about around for a bit think i may be sleeping for the whole 2 weeks.

when i came home i was  so wound up  panic attack hit big time. so i ran the sarmartins(i know the spelling) i was on the phone for over an hour and half. i just broke down and cried my eyes out so so much that i didnt have any tears left insideof me, i think i cried for now what im going through what im putting ppl i love through, and all the abuse i have had that i have never cried for i thinj the first hour was crying but it felt like such a release, i was knackered when i came off and i talked about everything even that one thing that one thing i cant even type, so that was huge,

i was so tired that i fell asleep for about 3 4 hours it was the best sleep i have had in i dont know how many years i would have to say i think, i think it was the release of crying and the diazepam and today was a new patch day as well so that stronger hmmm nice.

 i know this is the start of a very very long and bumpy road and major off road trips a head i think but i feel that today is the day i can feel lke i can start to live. first day of my new life or is this the drugs talking either i am high as a kite right now

take care my friends love and prays go out to all off you and i hope i can soon be back to helping my friends in there time of need. 

last night was bad this morning and this afternoon has just sent me over the edge.i had yet another go at steve today. i am pushing him so much i am going to lose him.

 we had a huge fight again shouted at each other, he hit the nail right on the head today.

I HAVE GIVEN UP ON LIFE, i dont to get dressed, dont want to go out, dont want to do anything around the house. even with my pain level high i would push myself to go out even if i had to use my wheel chair, but i would go out.

i rang the local mental health, got a number for someone else, who gave me another number, who told me to make a cup of tea and to hug steve.

i am hearing voices, i want to die, i want to hurt ppl and i get told tgo mske a cup of tea i mean have you heard anything so silly.

after all this i asked steve to ring our GP's and ask to a call out. my dr rang she has stopped my BUSPAR hope that spelt right. she thinks thst might be making me worse,

and i have an appointment tomorrow morning.

i have asked to go and see her at the surgery instead of a home visit. i want to fight this. Lord pls give me te strength and willpower to find the courage to take that walk, to take those first steps.

i need help otherwise either me or steve will be hurt and i dont want either.