Journal

I have so many things that I go thru every day and sometimes it gets to be so depressing, I try to do whats right and yet it seems so wrong, I need to let it Go and just be me, But who am I?    I am a human being who makes mistakes, who sins just like anyone else, I am a Good person who would like to help someone that needs help! I am a Mom, a Grandmother,a Daughter,  a Aunt, a Sister, a cousin, I am a person who cares.. But I am also someone who gets hurt, I am someone who has gotten so sick I almost Died, I am a Believer in God, In Jesus who died to Save us and in the Holy Spirit, but I am a Sinner!!!  I am Me! and I need to be loved not used, I need my children to say, Hi Mom, How are you? Is there anything I can do for you? or Mom I just wanted you to know that I love you, Thats all I want! Thats all I need from anyone!!  I want to feel appreciated Thats all I want, I want to have a stable life with my Children, I want my 20 year old son to stop trying to blackmail me by telling me, either I buy them what ever they need for his family and his In-Laws or I can never see His daugter again so I chose, never to see her again! she's only one year old and I had to let her go or be Blackmailed!  Anyway I had to let go of my Son too.. Now thats the hardest thing I have ever done being that he is my Baby Boy.. but maybe someday they will see there ways.. How can these grown up kids expect us to support them and there new families? I never expected my Mom to do anything for me from the age of fifteen when I left home and I never went back home again to live with my parents or expected them to support me and my family.. but nowadays the kids expect us to support not only there new families but there in-laws too. and thats just Stupid!!!  I told him you must be on drugs! I am not supporting your in-laws or even you, You left us for that horrible family who are on drugs, are alcoholics and now expect us to support you, your family, and your in-laws! You must have fallen out of a Tree and are mentally unstable! No I will not support them or even you.. So as you can see I feel I was right and yet it hurts... So I have to let go of the hurt, I am sorry If I did wrong but I do not know how to deal with him other than say No! Iwould rather never see my Granddaughter than to be Blackmailed....

                                                            Cathy

I wanted to share what happened to me three nights ago, I was trying to sleep and I kept tossing and turning and I opened my eyes and there in front of my bed was a man on top of a red horse and they both glowed with a red glow and to the left of him was a white horse and a man sitting on top of him dressed in white in which they glowed and I layed and prayed and said Lord if this is you coming to take me, I am not ready please let me stay awhile longer and if this is Satan I rebuke you in the name of Jesus and so I closed my eyes again and I prayed and prayed and I just could not sleep anyway by 3:45am I decided to get up take a shower and after I took the shower I woke my husband and I told him Babe get up take a shower and lets go to Tucson we had to go see my son anyway I took my Bible and thought I can read on the way back home and thats what I did, I asked God to please explain what I had saw in my room and I opened the bible to Zechariah and started reading and Gods message  of what he was telling me came thru, He said for me to change my ways and then he talked about a man on a red horse and a man on a white horse and a spotted horse and how they go thru and fro the earth and report to God whats happening here on Earth so my Lord above answered my prayers. God is now talking to me and he is saying that we must all turn our eyes to him and that I must turn from evil, in which my daughter said Evil! what Evil Mom? and I turned to her and said sometimes I get angry and do not think before I say anything and sometimes I say things to Dad that are not mean but its a sin and the way I talk I must change it for the better. and even thou she does not understand what I am saying, I know what I must change!! I have alot of things happening to me in my life because God is talking to me and I know I sound crazy but someday God will talk to you and then you will understand. He is talking to me thru his word and I am learning more and more each day. Oh before I forget when we got back from Tucson I went to my bedroom and looked for horse prints on the carpet but of course I did not find any.. Thank all of you for just reading this. God Bless you all  My DS family.

                                                     Love Cathy