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JudiB 
I feel so lost, so very lost. This must be some new phase that I haven't been through yet. I'm not even sure if it has anything at all to do with grief. I do know it is a result of the grief because the grief is from losing the one most important person in my life and he's not here anymore and so my life is changed forever. In a few more days it'll be 20 long months since the day I lost Dean. That's almost 2 years. This is still, to this day so unimaginable...me, alone and him gone...forever. I have fallen into such a rut, if that's what it's called. I just don't want to do anything. I discovered Facebook a month or so ago and they have a game there called Farmville. I started to play it as a distraction, something to do I guess. Now I live there. I have literally moved into a stupid game on the internet. How lame is that? I've pretty much lost interest in everything around me. I do what absolutely needs to be done and the rest just sits and I have no inclination to even touch any of it. This is not a good thing. And it needs to change but I haven't felt like pushing myself to get back to living yet. This is way off track from where I had gotten to.
I was picking up my son from work this evening when a song came on the radio. Right before Dean died he had found a new "oldies" station and set it on the radio in my car. I've never changed it from there. I''ve always felt since he died that it would be sacreligious to move that radio dial. Just me and my sentimentality, I guess. Anyway, the song they played was "Sugar, Sugar" by the Archies. Now it's not a sad song but the fact of the matter is that Dean and I have been fond of the oldies since way back when they weren't the oldies, but the current music that we listened to at the time. This particular song - I could remember in the back of my mind him singing it and acting goofy like he had a tendency to do at times. Just something to get me to laugh at him...him being silly. Boy, that was all it took for the tears to stream. I continued driving, staring straight ahead and every now and then my son would say something or ask a question but since he doesn't look at me when he talks I don't think he knew how upset I was. I've been feeling very melancholy since then and so I started thinking tonight. Me and thinking...now that's a lethal combination. I either wind up in tears or beat myself up for slipping back to where I thought I had moved from quite some time ago. Is this ever going to end?
I think it will but somehow I've got to find that motivation that I've misplaced somewhere. I've either misplaced it or simply hidden it as an excuse to stop moving forward. Why would I want to do that? Probably because I'm in a brand new place now. Awhile back I felt as if I had one foot in the past and one foot in the future and was being pulled in two different directions and getting nowhere. At least that's the scenario I had pictured in my head and in my heart. In reality I think it was just a figment of my imagination - a safe place, of sorts. In other words, as long as I thought this was the reality of it all I had an excuse to feel caught in the middle and reluctant to move forward. I prolonged it as long as possible feeling like this is just the way it is when you lose your significant other that you've built a life and a future with. Someone who was always there in the past and who you thought would always be there in the future. And then, suddenly - ZAP! - he's gone and you're left alone to figure out where in the hell you belong now. It was a haven for awhile and I allowed myself to stay there as long as possible saying it was because I was figuring out just what my future would be without him. It was okay, I was entitled to that much...but now that time is here and I don't know any more now what to do than what I did before. Only now I have to make some kind of decisions about the future and I have no idea where to start. I am no longer existing partially in the past and the future at the same time. I'm out of the past but not yet into the future - like in a holding area and more and more I'm feeling like "why can't I just stay here forever?" I don't have the courage to move from this spot that I seem to be frozen in now. And as a result, I've become an internet junkie who lives in a make-believe place. I already know that I need help and as usual I'm trying to do it on my own and every day that comes along I tell myself - today will be different and guess what? It's always the same as the day before. Why hasn't someone invented a pill yet to beat this kind of condition? I'm sure it must have a name. It feels real to me so it must be real, right? Or is it all in my head? Maybe I'm just dreaming...maybe the whole past, almost 20 months, has only been a dream...and maybe not...he's still not here and he's never stayed gone this long so this has to be real. I think I am losing my mind.
Okay, Judi...you know you're stronger than this. Pull yourself together and put your head back on straight and let's get this show on the road. That would work just fine if I could just find the instruction manual somewhere...the one titled "How To Learn How To Live Again Without Your Husband". Maybe someone could just return me to the manufacturer to be refurbished. Then I wouldn't have to face all these insecurities that I would never in a million years have pictured me having.
Don't mind this, I will figure it out eventually. It may take me awhile but I'm a survivor and I will get it together one of these days. In the meantime, I just had to put it into words and get it out there to relieve some of the pressure.
Comments
Hello JudiB,
It has been 20 months and 10 days since my husband passed away. I, like you, felt so many of the things you have mentioned just before the 20 month date arrived. Evidently, this IS another phase of grief! Hopefully, it too shall pass!!
Well, my moods change almost as quickly as they come. Our anniversary was on July 19th -- would have been 40th, on the 21st -- was the 19th month w/o him, and on 22nd was his birthday. That was a rough week, beginning with our anniversary - I went to bed that morning -- about 6:00 am and didn't get up until late afternoon -- because I spent most of that time crying. But, the next day was a sunny day and I felt renewed--@ least for that day. As the days went by, my mood did improve. Then, August came and now has gone, with fluctuating emotions.
I keep telling myself that I am really much better than I have been, but, is that just a fabrication? No, truthfully, I really do believe that the majority of the time, I am progressing through this grief. The 'setbacks' -- according to so many of the books I have read on grief, are "normal". Do I even know what NORMAL is anymore??? I think it is like one of the quotations of the author, Patsy Clairmont, "Normal is a setting on the dryer."
Grieving is definitely an individual event in our lives, of course, there are many aspects that are close to the same in each person. That is what helps me to read about what others are going through and to KNOW that I have also been there and 'done that'. It also shows that we are headed along the same path and that eventually, life w/o our spouses has or will become more bearable.
At times, I almost feel like I 'dreamed' that I had a life with Joe. I guess because it seems like forever since I have seen him. Then, I look at our pictures, or pictures of him, and our children and realize that, yes, he was real.
The reality of not being able to ever see him again -- here in this world -seems extremely hard to bear. Thankfully, I don't just sit and think that way all of the time!! That would drive me insane!
This is not something that I thought would happen at this time of our lives!! BUT, it has!!
I know that I have come a long way from last year in my grief, and seemingly, still have quite a way to go. Moving forward is something I have certainly been contemplating lately. Just how to do that is another question. I do believe that the answers will come to me as I enter the time period that suits the answers. With prayer and more soul-searching, the answers that I seek will become clear. I have to believe that.
Most of the time, I am content now, but, as you know, the grief wave rears its ugly head at unpredictable times and causes a type of 'setback' for a short time. Thankfully, those grief waves come less often now, and therefore, the 'setbacks' are also less frequent. The tears abate and I move along. You will too, and you also know this. We didn't get to 20 months w/o learning a little bit about this grief. I look forward to the day that this only occurs "once in a blue moon". :o) God Bless and keep you. Joely
Joely
I think those of us farther along on the journey (over a year/nearly two years) have all felt what you're talking about. The straddling of all phases of time without knowing exactly what to do or how to go about doing it - I definitely related to that. As far as the manual you're looking for, I can recommend one that might help, and the title sure sounds similar (which was why I picked it up in the first place), "Seven Choices - Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World" by Elizabeth Harper Neeld. Like Joely, August had some predictable rough patches - in spite of the good stuff going on in my life. Sometimes I think it's just the ongoing fatigue of adjusting all the time. Thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon. Love and Hugs, Martha
cliffskat
Oh Judi, You dont need a manual or to be returned to the factory, you need to look at how far you've come since Dean went home. And you need to look at how far you have pulled me along when I could not move one more step. I know all about that lost feeling, but at least you just moved to Farmville(great game isnt it) I almost checked in to Evil Everettes game of survival!!!!!!!. Know I love ya girl, maybe you need to come to NC and see the leaves change this year. I know you have a friend here who would love to meet you. Take care alwyas. Love you, Laura
laurahp
Judi You have been a great help to us who are just starting this journey. Your advice and comfort you have provide me has help me make it through this 2 months. I know you are strong and you have come a long way. God Bless you and take care of yourself we need you at DS. Lots of hugs Linda
lindalun
You have been such an inspiration to me these past few months. I'm sorry that you're feeling so torn apart right now. Since it's only be five months for me I can't imagine what the future holds as far as getting through this never ending grief. You are a strong, wonderful woman and I know that you will find your future whatever it may be. Love and peace, Carol
FallenAngel
Judi, I can completely relate to what you have said. I am approaching 21 months next week. I do know that I am not living in the past now, straddling the now and the future. Some days I feel like I am ready to live again and then I end up right back in the now again. August 25th and the past few weeks have been up and down for me. It was Lance's birthday, our daughter's 21st birthday and our son started his senior year in high school. My job is slowly drying up, and now I am left to make a lot of tough financial decisions. Like Martha said it is an on going fatigue that wears on you.
I do hope that you feel better. Love Denise
missulance