JudiB's Journal

After I wrote what I did earlier I decided that I needed to have a talk with Corey - once again.  He didn't get up until 2 p.m. today and when I decided to talk to him it was 4 p.m.  When I walked back to his room and opened the door I found him curled up in bed under his covers.  My first instinct was to just close the door and walk away...discouraged once again that he is sinking further and further into this depressive state that he's been in and that I can't seem to do anything about it.  As I walked down the hallway away from his room I had second thoughts and went back.  I opened his door again and called his name and he opened his eyes and I could tell by the look on his face that he wished he could just pull the covers over his head and make me disappear.  But I stood fast and didn't let this discourage me.  I had also decided that I was going to speak to him in my kindest, gentlest (but firm) tone so that there would be no mistake that what I was saying to him was coming from anything but love and concern for him.

I started off the conversation by telling him that I refused to allow him to turn into a vegetable.  I told him that I didn't think he had a mental illness but I did strongly believe that he has mental issues.  I had done some serious praying about this before I decided to talk to him and asked God to PLEASE take all of the love that I have in my heart for this child and turn it into just the right words that would have some sort of positive effect on him.  I almost felt as if this was my last chance to try to get through to him and I didn't want to blow it.  I also asked him if he could possibly be still grieving for his dad and he screwed up his face and said no.  That, right there, told me that maybe I could be on the right track.  I told him that this depressive state that he's been in, though it is so easy to just give into it, that by getting up and doing something would most likely help him feel better in the long run.  I wasn't really expecting him to understand that one but I shared with him something my mom told me a long time ago.  That when you live in a cluttered, dirty, messy room it tends to make you even more depressed.  It does nothing to lift your spirits.  I tried to explain to him that this is why alot of people get into exercising because it releases the "good endorphins" in the brain and actually makes you feel better.  I don't know, maybe he learned this in his pyschology class in his senior year and just needed to be reminded of it.

That's a big part of what he's going through, I believe, is that his room is so depressing the way it is.  I know, for me it is just looking at it.  I can only imagine what it's like living in it although he's told me repeatedly that he likes it that way and that it doesn't bother him.  But it's unacceptable and something needed to be done about it once and for all.  I told him that the time has come that he either takes care of it or it can no longer belong to him.  And I told him since we got rid of the "kiddie furniture" (the kind you put together yourself) the other day I would like to buy him a few new pieces to put in there and hopefully turn it into a " young adult's" room, one that would hopefully help him feel like he's growing up, maybe make him feel like he's moving forward instead of staying a kid.  But I told him that for me to do this he had to clear it up because I couldn't have new furniture delivered and not have a place to put it.

I kind of feel sometimes that Corey is having a difficult time with this new transition in his life of me letting go of him.  Not him letting go, but of me letting go.  I think he gets scared that I'm not going to be there to "catch him" when he falls anymore.  I told him that he has to learn to trust me that I am not going to just abandon him but that I WILL NOT spoil him by giving him everything that he thinks he needs or wants.  I related to him about an uncle of his and mine who when he was very little and my grandma would give him cookies and one was broken he would throw the broken one across the room at her and demand to have one that wasn't and instead of her correcting his behavior she would just give him another one and she did this sort of thing all of his life - she gave and gave and gave and never expected anything in return, not appreciation, gratitude, respect...  And now that he is in his 70's, long after my grandma has been gone, he is still the same way and to this day not too many people actually like him.  I asked Corey, "do you want to turn out like him?"  Of course, he said no.  Then I tried to relate to him that all that I ask of him around here is not for me to have control or be "the boss of him" but it is more to teach him that when you do for others that they are happy to do for you in return.  That the real world is all about give and take and not all about "me,me,me".  I want him to understand that what I do for him is because I love him and it would be nice to know that when I ask something of him that he would do it also out of love and not consider it a chore.

As the conversation went on, I noticed he was sitting up in his bed and eventually as I was getting ready to leave his room he was, by then, sitting on the edge of the bed.  I told him that I had said all that I had to say and I left and closed the door without telling him anymore what I wanted for him to do.  I thought I would just let him "digest" it all and take it from there.

It is now 10:30 p.m. and he's spent most of this evening cleaning out his room.  He even came to me a little while ago and wanted me to come and look at what he's done so far.  Wow!  It's not finished yet but he's made some really good progress.  I asked him if tackling his room today helped him to feel better like I had suggested to him earlier and he said yes, without hesitation.  PLEASE GOD, LET THIS BE A TURNING POINT!!!!

Even if we have to do this again and again, I have to keep trying.  Someone reminded me today that God never gives you more than you can handle.  Now I hated hearing this after Dean died.  It just didn't sound like the kind of thing you would say after losing a loved one.  But in this context where you're trying to finish raising a child and you hit a stumbling block like this - you just don't let it defeat you because if you do then it's like admitting that your child is not worth it.  And that's not true, of course, although there have been times it seemed like it just wasn't worth the trouble to keep going on.  So I was glad to be reminded of this today.