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JudiB 
I haven't written in quite some time. Just trying to make some sense out of my life. What life though? It will be 19 months on August 4 since Dean's been gone and when I'm not losing my mind and can think clearly I know that I have come a very long way. My only obstacle seems to be now is...you guessed it, my son! I think I have tried everything in my motherly arsenal to get him to understand that I am on his side and all of my efforts are only to try to help him be the kind, intelligent and caring young man that I know he is capable of being. So far though that's not working. There are days that I see little signs of what I know is there but there are other days that I don't even want to be here anymore. Yet there is no place for me to go to get away from all of what seems to be driving me crazy.
I'm beginning to think that maybe the counselor has misdiagnosed what's going on with him. His behavior is not what most people would call normal. I don't think it is normal that when you ask your almost 19 year old son to please straighten his room or clean his bathroom that he gets mad and out of control to the point that he grabs his insulin pen like a weapon and threatens to use it to kill himself. Whether it's just a ploy on his part to gain sympathy from me or just get me to leave him alone and let him live in his disgusting room the way it is, I don't know. What I do know is that I just can't ignore it. It gets very tiresome constantly trying to get him to understand that if he continues to need me to do things for him like taking him back and forth to work that when I ask a few things of him around the house that I'm not asking the moon of him. It's simple, he is now a young adult and I won't mind doing for him if he shows a little appreciation by helping with a few things around here, right? It's alot more involved than the little bit I've mentioned here but to explain it all would take way too long. The short version is that his behavior is getting out of hand sometimes and I personally don't feel that I should have to put up with this from him. BUT...if there is an underlying reason for it all other than just rebellion then I'm trying to get to the bottom of it all so we can get him the help that he needs. It would help though if the counselor would call me back.
If it wouldn't be for all of this extracurricular activity going on then I think I would actually be content with my life as it is. I've made quite a bit of progress in the front yard. There is still plenty left to do but from a distance it doesn't look half as bad as what it did before. Living outside day after day and getting all of that exercise is good for both my mind and body. It's not the most exciting lifestyle but it works for me. I've told Corey that I have now been to hell and back trying to get over losing his Dad and have clawed and scratched my way out of that 'black hole' so many times until I finally made it out and that I WILL NOT let him knock me back into it again. I have tried from every angle I can think of to work with him to get him to comprehend that all I am doing is for his best welfare and so that one day he will be able to go out into the world and be able to deal with it in the most positive way possible. He just gets so hostile when I ask anything more of him though than what he is willing to do. I am at a loss here. I can't understand any of it. I raised 5 boys before him and have gone through many of the same things with them that I'm going through now but never being this difficult to the point where I can't stand it anymore. I'm wondering if it's the fact that Dean is not standing with me through this one? I'm beginning to think that I'm the one who should be in counseling instead of him before I completely lose my mind.
I'm just venting here. I never hear of anyone else going through this with their kids so I'm not sure where the problem lies, with him or with me. I'm about ready to just disappear from this whole situation though - it seems to be my only escape. I can't believe that I made it through the loss and death of my beloved husband and am still standing to tell about it and yet I feel like I am being bulldozed by an 18 1/2 year old. This is just more than I can handle.
Comments
Judi, I wish that I had some good advice on how to deal with your son. From what you have said you are not making any unfair demands of him. My son is 17 1/2 and I expect the same things of him too. My daughter is almost 21 now and still at home due to her college schedule, we had some battles in the beginning after her father/my husbands death, similar things in keeping the room clean and helping with things at home. We blew up at each other quite a bit in the beginning but I think that was our way of dealing with our grief at the time. Things are much better now. I continually read books on dealing with the death of a parent so that I could hopefully understand where they are coming from in their grief vs. where I was and am now. I would say stand your ground if he is making treats to harm himself definately stay on the counselor. You need to try your best to figure what that is all about.
You said it exactly what I have been telling my friends and family lately about going to hell and back these past 19 months. I think that is why I am trying so hard not to fall back down into that pit again. I saw blue skies again for several weeks and I don't want those clouds to roll back in. You and I are in are in almost the same exact place right now both at 19 months.
Giving you a thumbs up for all of your hard work and accomplishments on your yard. It is such a great feeling of accomplishment. I am anxious for our weather to turn around again this fall. I am in the lovely desert area of So. California. It really is a beautiful place most of the year it is just the summer months that are so intense.
Wishing you the best with your son, don't give up.
Love and Hugs,
Denise
missulance
Judi,
I am so sorry that you have to go through this with your son ~~ on top of your grief over losing your husband! Of course, he is going through a grieving process also ~~ and probably has no clue as to how to deal with it.
You said you probably needed to go to a counselor- jokingly, I think, but, that is a good place to begin. It probably would be good to go to a Family Relationship counselor - for you and your son ~ together. That could possibly put some of these issues in a more feasible solution for you and your son.
I am also at 19 months! Like Denise and you, I have been through the hell of losing my husband. I also have had to climb out of the black pits of hell to see the sunshine and sunny skies again. Of course, there are STILL times when that grief wave hits, but, thank God, those times are fewer and farther between than they used to be.
July 19th was our 40th anniversary. It was the ROUGHEST day I've had since right after Joe died. I have to say, thank you Jesus, that the horrible feeling of loss and the deep crying jags only lasted most of that day. A few hours is much better than the months of pain last year. The next day, I was good. The sun was shining that day and the sky was beautiful, and I could smile. The bad thing was that the 21st was 19 months, and the 22nd was Joe's birthday. So, those days were out of kilter, but the 2nd two were NOTHING like our anniversary.
We all have more burdens to bear than the grief of the loss of our husbands. That is another story ~~ for another time.
Please see a counselor ~ for your sake. I go to a family counselor, at first more often, now maybe once a month. But, she has helped me see that I am really coping very well. Being able to talk things out and listen to her suggestions, etc. has helped me. Of course, I do a lot of journaling, which helps me tremendously. I know some people don't care for that, but I have always coped with problems that way. My counselor loves to read some of my writings. She says that is a great way for me to cope. You need to find a way that truly helps you ~ about your son. My prayers are going up for you. Joely
Joely
Counseling might be a very good thing for you to consider. You are struggling with handling the stress of losing Dean as well as the problems with your son. I can't say what's wrong with him, since I'm not qualified, but I will share I have a nephew who was diagnosed bi-polar. He has a hard time judging the consequences of his actions, and a hard time controlling his emotions. Medication seems to help, when he takes it, but it's never-the-less a struggle for his parents. Get help in this situation for your own good. Sharon
Shrn