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JudiB 
Oh, oh, oh - why does it have to hurt so much? No, not so much the grief although it does flare up quite a bit when I'm under stress. I was feeling so much better a couple of weeks ago even while getting discouraged about the "jungle". But I found a way to cope with that and was doing pretty good just telling myself that in due time it would all get done and feeling quite pleased at the little accomplishments I was making from day to day.
What happened to my motherly skills though? I don't know why but this is eating me alive lately. It seems that nothing I do is right - according to the other half of the "family" that lives here. I continuously am questioning my decisions and the way I handle things. The truth of the matter is that I don't won't to be the one in charge anymore. I want to run away and just be alone. I don't want to be responsible for anyone but myself anymore. And even saying this makes me feel like the most horrible person in the world.
I've tried and tried to just teach Corey what I now expect of him now that he is almost 19 years old. I expect more help but not more than I think that he can handle. I expect to be treated with respect just like I try so hard to do with him but he sometimes makes that difficult. I expect that the things that I do for him be received with some sort of appreciation and gratitude - if not with words then with some kind of little action that tells me that he notices when I do things when I'm not feeling well or am tired or just feeling generally depressed which I still feel from time to time. I have tried to be the kind of person to not expect anything in return for my efforts but I don't think there is anything wrong with trying to teach him these things. Why is it that a 19 year old can't get this? It would go such a long way to just know that I am loved. And I know he does but it never "feels" that way.
I think most of what I'm feeling is because there is still alot of residual emotions from losing Dean. A while back I talked in one of my journals about my heart being broken so badly after Dean died and when the pieces went back together they went back in such a way that it probably looked like a kindergartener's school project and if it's in that condition no wonder it doesn't work properly anymore. So what I'm saying is that maybe the problem isn't Corey's at all...maybe it's just mine and that's why I can't cope with the way things are now.
I just feel like such a miserable failure. The other night he wasn't feeling well - it was Friday night and he said he felt really bad, sore all over and nauseated. He asked me to bring him to the Emergency Room and I hestitated and then he added that he didn't want to end up like Papa did. The first thought that shot through my mind was - "does he think I am responsible for Dean's death because I didn't take him to the hospital when he came home sick from work that Monday evening?" I'm sure he didn't mean it to come out that way but it just shook me up at that moment. So I made him take his temperature and it was normal and I told him to just try getting some rest and see if that didn't help. I've been raising kids for almost 34 years and it just didn't seem as serious as what he was thinking it was. But on the other hand I couldn't help wondering - "am I making another mistake?" It turned out he recovered from whatever was wrong in a couple of days but I feel like I was left with him wondering - "doesn't she really care?" You know...the same thing I wonder about him everyday...doesn't he care? If he did, we would not always be disagreeing. But he never "gets it", the "connection". This is what makes me just want to give up. I just don't have that resolve to keep on trying anymore - I'm never seeing any kind of change - so I must be doing it wrong and at this point I don't know what is right anymore.
There are so many other things that add to the equation here to making things uncomfortable for both of us. I think the answer is just to stay away from one another but I can't do that because he needs me for too many things. And when I need him for something and get nothing back then that just makes it all flare up again - the resentment. I don't think I am supposed to be resenting my son but sometimes I don't know how not to.
No one has the answer, not even me. If this is just a transiton phase with us I do wish it would hurry and pass because I hate being where I feel like I'm not wanted, needed yes but not wanted.
Comments
I'll pray for you guys. Hard. You are not a failure, you are doing great. Kids, I have no doubt whoever created hair color had a house full of 'em.
You know running away isnt always a bad thing, I did it last year and look at the adventure I had, and my son was oh so glad to have me back home. Sometimes we just need to remind them what life could be like without us. You can run to the mtns of NC anytime, I have a spare room always ready. Love you Laura
laurahp
It must be so hard grieving and having to be responsible for kids too. I know its hard enough being a single mother. I had to do it for 10yrs. But if I had to do it while grieving Bruce I dont know what I would do. Raising kids is very challenging especially teenagers. Just keep trying to keep the lines of communication open and show him you love him. I know its hard but you have to let him make his own mistakes. Neither one of my kids took the path I wanted for them but they are happy and content with their own lives and all I could do is hope they made good choices for themselves. Hugs, Lori
Loriluvsbruce
Your journal entry reminds me a lot of me and my younger son. Both my sons are with me, but the older one is the only one that is appreciative. My younger son who is 21 is the autistic one, so it's always a challenge, but when he 'forgets' to say please and thank you at least it gets pretty aggravating. And every ache and pain is some dire, life-threatening emergency now - I have to reassure him over the most minor stuff that it is NOT life-threatening. I think you are doing everything just fine - he's got to find his way on this journey, too. You're both missing Dean - and always will on some level. I think Laura has a good idea - maybe you guys need a break from each other. When I got back from England recently, my son was so glad to see me I even got a hug from him! (He never hugs anybody!) You could use a little fun and frolic too I think. Love and Hugs, Martha
cliffskat
It is so hard on a mother's heart when that wonderful child you've raised "becomes" someone else right before your eyes. I wish there was a way you could slip away for 2 or 3 days and just focus on Judi - recharge your internal batteries.
And, I agree with Laura, Lori and Martha. You are NOT doing anything wrong. You're the same Mom he's always had... he's just not the same Corey you've always had. And when you add grief to the mix, both yours and his, it's got to be some kind of atomic cocktail. Have faith, My Dear Friend, this too shall pass.
Lots of Love and Hugs to You!!
Jan
jd1982