JudiB's Journal

This week has had its share of ups and downs.  And believe it or not it's not really even grief-related.  Sometimes I wonder - where did it go, the grief?  Is it possible that I miss it?  For the longest time I held onto it tightly and all the pain that went with it.  Somehow in my head and in my heart it kept me tied to Dean.  But when the pain got too exhausting to handle, little by little I gradually tried to let go of it and for the most part it's not like it was before.  It didn't bring him back and it wasn't really helping anymore so I had to "let go".  It still exists though...somewhere right under the surface, not quite as big as it was before but it's still there - the remnants of it.  And so maybe all the "other stuff" triggers it every now and then.

One of my sons and his wife was in town this past week for a visit.  This is the son who took offense last year, a few months after the death of my husband when I had written something in my online journal at another website that he had access to as it was public for all to see.  It was my outlet at the time to put into words how I was feeling inside and something I said made him angry and he stopped calling and I have not spoken to him for 14 months...until this week.  I was very apprehensive about seeing him after all this time as I wasn't sure how things would be when I finally saw him again.  It actually turned out well afterall.  There was no mention of what caused us not to speak for so long.  He was a little quiet when he first showed up but as the evening went by he seemed to relax and things did eventually go well.  It's tough after such a long separation to even know what to talk about and what is even okay and safe to talk about.  I guess the fact that I talk alot kind of got things rolling and since I've missed so much of his life in the past year or so I had a lot of questions about how things have been for them, the girls, his new job, their new car, the dog, etc.  I guess there were so many things to catch up on that we were able to avoid talking about the "incident" that kept us apart for so long.  In my heart I wanted to discuss it but with this particular son I didn't think that would be a good idea.  For despite all that happened - or not happened - for so long the most important thing to me was that he was once again in my home, talking with me and seeming like he wanted to make things right again that I was just so happy to see him and spend time with him again that I didn't see any reason to dwell on the past and all of those lost moments.

And then there is the continuing saga of my youngest son...Corey.  I was thinking tonight that after going through all that I had to get through after losing Dean and how awful and horrible that was - this thing with Corey is in a class of its own.  How can you possibly love someone so much and yet at the same time they drive you to the point of almost wanting to run away and never return?  As hard as I try to talk to him, teach him and get him to understand that this is the way the world works - you do for others as you would want them to do for you...he just doesn't get it, can't get it, doesn't want to get it??  I'm not sure which one of these things it is.  I am so tired of hearing these words come out of his mouth - "you're not making any sense!".  Me?  I'm not making any sense??  I don't understand a thing he says or does.  Let me give you an example...I fixed him dinner tonight.  Nothing fancy, just some baked chicken tenders, buttered noodles (packaged) and biscuits (pre-packaged).  This is all stuff he could have easily fixed himself.  But he won't so I did.  Every now and then when I do have the time I try to make sure he gets something healthy and semi-homecooked since he's diabetic and his idea of fixing  dinner is to take something out the freezer and pop it in the microwave or oven.  So after he sits there in front of his laptop eating and finishes he goes off back to his room.  After a little while he comes out and because I had spent some time on DS after dinner I hadn't gotten around to putting the leftovers away yet.  So he walks into the kitchen and starts pointing at the food and reminding me how I'm always after him to clean up after himself out here.  I just looked at him and said "well, I did cook dinner for you - how nice of you to offer to put the food away..."  He stared at me and I stared at him and eventually he "got it" and started to put it away.  Then I went to throw away something in the kitchen garbage and it was full, no room for anything else.  I called him out of his room and told him it needed to go out and he said "but the garbage pickup isn't tomorrow..."  I said, well it can't stay in the kitchen until Sunday night...finally he "got that" too.  I asked him to put the dogs out and he said "you know, if I was still in school I would be in bed right now".  I looked at him and asked him "so? what's that got to do with anything?"  That's when I get once again - "you don't make any sense".  If I have to hear that remark one more time I'm gonna...I'm not sure what yet but...

I did tell him once again that if he doesn't want to or feel like helping around here then I shouldn't have to do anything I don't feel like doing either, like taking him to work or picking him up and that maybe he should look for another way to get there when he goes back on Saturday.  He turns around and walks off throwing over his shoulder these words - "yes, boss!"

Life would be so much easier if kids cared.  Many do, but this one is getting very irritating to live with.   He keeps saying he can't wait until he can move out and get away from me.  I told him he's welcome to leave whenever he wants and that I wouldn't do a thing to stand in his way.  I just don't know what to do to motivate him - he just doesn't care about anything around here and sometimes not even about me.  But yet I'm expected to be there every single time he needs something.  What am I doing wrong here?  I just wish I knew what the secret is to get him to change and get him to care - or is this an impossible dream?