Journal

It is currently 12:09am where I ly wide awake.. Why do I think these crazy thoughts, and why aren't I strong enough to get rid of them? I am so scared I am going to start hearing voices.. I really don't know what to do.. I try my hardest to think about other things but my mind seems to run back to these thoughts. I am a 24 year old girl and I am going through this crap. I should be out there enjoying life.. I keep telling myself I need to be strong for my little girl and my fiance, but what if one day I crack and fall to pieces? I hope this is never the case and I really hope I am strong enough inside to beat off these silly thoughts.

Ok.. So at the moment I am pretty nervous and embarrased at the same time - This entry will be the first time I have ever opened about about my condition. Basically I jumped online where I typed in my symptoms and up popped OCD. When I read up on this subject I honestly convinced myself that this is what is happening to me. I have not been to a Doctor nore have I spoken to anyone about this.

There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think horrible thoughts. I think of so many bad things happening it breaks me just thinking of it. I am always thinking that one day my partner will not walk through our front door because something bad will happen to him - I worry about him everyday. Everynight before I go to bed I pray to god to watch over my family and keep us all safe forever and always, I pray for god to keep us safe and see that we all go on to live a long, happy, healthy life together. I just gave birth to our beautiful little girl Chloe Louise. I am so happy to be a new Mummy and am so in love with her, but at the same time I get occasional thoughts of bringing harm to my baby girl and Elliott for that matter - I think these thoughts but will NEVER EVER go through with it, I love my family with all of my heart and soul so why am I having these crazy thoughts? I am so scared and really don't want this to take over my mind. I am constantly worrying about the littlest thing and it is taking a serious toll on my life. My feelings and emotions are becoming so severe it is starting to effect my everyday life. I always think to myself that it is going to become so bad that  am going to lose control and will eventually go crazy. I even freak out that I will one day start to hear voices. I really want to get help but I don't want to be on any medication. I grew up with a Father who was addicted to drugs and I have seen what they have done to him over the years and I don't want the same to happen to me. Besides that I don't want to become dependent on any sort of meds - I don't even take asprin when I have a headache.

Well that just all blurted out without having a single thought. I really hope there are people out there that can relate to my issue and I would love to hear from you. I know it isn't nice being in this position but I hope somebody is going through the same as I am so I know I am not alone in this - That sounds really horrible and just so you all know I would never wish this condition upon anyone so I apologise if I offend anyone in saying that and don't mean anything by it. 

Bye for now