tiareflower's Journal

So, here i am, it is 5:56am in the morning. Should be sleeping. But I can't.

I wrote the other day. but need to again.
But I feel the need to. Not that anyone really reads my stuff.

But anyways.

So, what's been happening with me?

Well to be brutally honest... This year, to be plain and simple. Sucks. Sucks sucks suckity suck suck suck (yes I was gonna  use the f word but bah).

Some things happened to me this year. Really bad. And, I think it has changed me in so  many ways, I don't even recognise who I am anymore.
It has affected me in ways I can't really even say. Well I guess it lifted a pandora's box within me. Ive always had shit happen to me.
Hell technically even worse in my earlier years. But I guess it was that final shove to the end of the bridge.

I guess I am writing this because, well. I don't want anyone to go through what I've been going through. Not even on my worst enemy. Not that I really have one. But you get the idea.

Also, I dropped out from my tafe course, because things got so hard after my, 'episode' so... I dropped out. BUt the head of the arts department says that a place is guaranteed for me next year. Which is so awesomesauce really. means i dont have to reapply or reinterview bla blah.
I'll be doing it part time. it'll take longer but it'll be easier for me in the long run.

What else..
Well... I guess what good news is that I lost 30 kilos since the start of the year.
To me i think i look bigger but im not going to go there about how i feel about myself (too dark to mention here).

I've basically gone in a hellish downward spiral. And im going to be goddamned honest about it for once (not too honest. Dont really feel like detailing absolutely everything.)
Sad thing is, about 98% of me doesn't care.
Weird huh?
I'm so sick of lying. Of pretending things are ok. I've gotten sick of pushing people away.
And you know what? People (not everyone) need to understand that I'm not the same happy dappy all smiley and innocent tiare.
I'm just not... That person anymore. Well, its more likely she's hidden herself far far away right now.
And I can't cope putting on smiles anymore people. I just can't. For too long I have and it ain't easy. I know that all of you do so. And you know. It just ain't nice.

So much has happened to me. Too much.
Really my life story sounds like a poor soap opera.
- was born 2 months early.

- got kidney cancer when i was 5 years old
- got molested when i was 4

-was sexually and physically abused from my biological father who abused my older siblings till i was 13.

-started having depression 13

-been overweight on/off since i was 11
-depression started getting really bad at aged 16+
-from years 11-12 in highschool, started cutting myself, started being suicidal. Binged drink alot.
-depression stopped from ages 19-to mid 21.
Was finally getting back to normal this year when I had to move back in with my parents due to full time study, was unable to keep living where i was due to rent doubling and job not letting me go part time.
Everyhting was going great for me in the first 3 months.
I was happy, healthy.
Was losing weight the normal way. lost 5 kilos the normal way MAde heaps of new friends through tafe.
Was even probably starting to like someone, and i am sure he liked me back. so that was slowly slowly starting.
was working hard.
Suddenly... it happened.
In the end of may, of just getting off the bus. Was just waiting for mum as usual to pick me up (it was dark so she pickes me up then).
Then... I got attacked and sexually assaulted by a random person. It was so... dreadful that my memory has wiped of what most happened.
But what i do know is that i was damned lucky that I have 5 years of martial arts experience because according to my counsellor that saved my life.
All I remember is that i somehow got away. Put myself together. Became blank for a couple of days. didnt tell a SOUL what happened. just shoved it to the back of my mind.
Suddenly...
Everything changed for me. I became quiet (i was formally a very loud, happy, bright person yadda yadda), spent all my time alone in my room.
I became obsessed with food and exercise.
Reduced to eating 200-600 calories per day. exercising 2 hours a day.
Rarely spoke.
Stopped playing piano and violin (which i played up to an hour every day)
stopped going out with my friends.
in the space of 2 months, dropped 25 kilos.

became obesessively paranoid about everything. About what everyone thought about me. Became incredibly anxious. Skipped days of tafe to avoid being in public. or outside.
Become an insomniac. Sometimes it would take 3 solid days of non sleeping to finally knock me out.
But I still went on.
Then one day..
4 days before my 22nd bday.
I was trying to get to tafe, then suddenly, got a panic attack.
I called my mum, she picked me up, which i then proceeded to have a majoy anxiety, mental nervous breakdown.
I admitted iwas attacked and just coudlnt stop shaking and sobbing. I honestly felt like i was going to die.
was taken to hospital. spent the night there.
next day went to a different hospital.
Spoke to a lady from some support group for attack victims.
Spent the whoe time shaking and crying.
there my mum and sister saw how truly broken i had become.
4 months since then...

Things are worse.
suddenly binged ate like crazy. gained 7 kilos in that time.
suddenly dropped 7 in a week and half, keep gaining and losing 4 week to week.
Pretty sure i can be classified as 'bulimic'

It started off being just physically ill, like my stomach was sick after some meals.
Then I had a huge fight with my mother. and at one point she berated me for gaining weight again.
that suddenly hit a nerve. and i began binging and purging like crazy.
Now.. it has become less binging ( i have about 4 major binges in a week)
and more purging. about 98% of what i eat.
i think i pretty much live on water and milk and weetbix.
and after 4 years of swearing never to cut myself, i've started cutting myself again.

So here is me. Me, Who loves art, strange music tastes (many have told me my ipod is bipolar. wow, an ipod that is purely reflective of my mental state?), wishes was japanese and obsessed with the like, drawing, painting, singing and playing piano, wrestling, reading the strangest books i could find, loves opera and operah, have strange tastes in fashion, would love to marry a black french man one day, hates small dogs. Inconsequential, pessimistic but optimistic for others, downward spiral tiare. Well, without drugs and alcohol. Because.. well... I know I'm stupid. But im not that stupid to go there...
Well that's incredibly pompous of me huh? Ok, add Pompous to my new self. oh god what am i? a nunnish downward spiral?

I guess the reason why I'm writing so honestly. Is that. I am afraid of who I am. And what i've become. And what's going to happen.
I'm going to the docs this week. And im hell scared. Because I'm going to be honest. And that honesty... Well... Who knows. According to my sister, I should apparently be in hospital.
And i HATE hospitals. I was there enough times as a kid.
But basically, i know my health is detoreating. And she said to me, on the phone. "You WILL end up in hospital if this keeps going. Heck, you may as well should be" Maybe it's what i need. Maybe i need to hit absolute rock bottom before I can finally start climbing back up to sanity.
I don't care if I'm still sad or angry. But as long as I am sane. Well, that would make me happy for starters.
And i guess being sane means normal healthy amounts of happiness and sadness and all that jazz. Wow... That sounds so foreign to me. NORMAL.
I know that normal is boring to the mass population. What with all their 'wants' and 'needs'. But trust me, I would give anything to be normal. to have a NORMAL life.
In fact I even crave boring and mundane. Anything like that.

But I'm not going to whinge about how hard my life is and such. Boohoo. Everyone has it tough. Some, more tougher than others. Sure my life currently sucks ass big time. But well, a whole lot more have it way more suckier than I do. Now don't mistake that for positive talk. Just because I say they have it more suckier than I do, it still means my life sucks.

Just not as bad as others.

So anyways, that's me right now. Almost completely, censored honest me. (yes i censor myself).

Mass entertainment to the sadists and masochists,
and provider of hope to others.

Because really. I know that hope is purely wasted on me.

peace out, mofos.
my wisdom? please or please dont ever be like me.

ps, listen to Fiona Apple. God she's incredible.