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tiareflower 
7:24pm, November 1, 2009
Dear Daily strength.
*sigh*
I think I'm pretty much at my lowest point ever.
In 2 week I have...
* Binged 8 times.
*Purged EVERY sing meal and thing I have eaten/binged on.
and cut myself on my arms.
My mood swings are worse than before. its like sometimes I would get so angry over something so little. Then that anger becomes self hatred and self loathing that it feels incredibly intense.
Sometimes im so tired and weary and I feel like the sky is going to eat me.
its in these moods that i binge then purge.
its a viscious cylce. Because if I dont purge, then I cut myself.
If i cut myself.. I still purge.
Then i feel so sad. And hurt.
Its uncontrollable. my ad's are obviously not working, only like a mild bandaid that makes me sleepy.
and now i think its beginning to affect my health.
I've getting really big pains on my right shoulder and arm. It feels like the bones in my neck and shoulder are hollow or really just aching.
My lower stomach hurts like hell if i actually decide to keep in what I just ate.
My neck feels really sore.
I get horrid headaches.
And... I know it sounds gross but spots of blood has been appearing when I, er, do a number 2. and it hurts to as well.
Im scared. im scared as hell.
And what makes me even more scared is that fact that honestly, i dont seem to care. As long as my weight goes down and I control what i eat, then i dont care. well 98% doesnt.
Im thinking of telling my sister about this... i cant handle telling this to the doctor as he will tell mum and she will freak out.
But my sister at least i trust and and she's a nurse too.. so she might.. i dunno... help me to decide what to do.
I know they say that its up to myself to want to get help. but now im in a stage where i dont want help. I know I need it. Hell i do.
I mean I have one kidney! i should be more carefl.
but i cant rely on myself anymore. I dont even know what is my normal thoughts from my normal self, my alleged bulimia (dont even think i have anorexia, im too fat for that)
my depression and then suicidal.
All i know is that i want the pain to stop. but im addicted to what it does..
