tiareflower's Journal

Dear dear me, what am I going to with me?
Up and down. 3 steps forward, 5 steps backwards. thats usually the situation with me.
just gotten back home from my friend's place.
it was a pretty big weekend. went to a mini party at my friend of a friends place.
Then sat we went out for the night to a heavy metal night club.
It was actuallyy fun. And it was incredibly theraputic to just close my eyes and just dance to the music and not care what anyone thinks.
Back home now. back to reality.
I also spoke to my best friend about my eating issues on friday while we were having lunch.
it was incredibly hard. I told her i was embarassed to say that purging was a part of the prolbem because she had gone through terrible bulimia before.
Its funny how when im around her, i dont purge or starve myself. I eat almost normal. Yet now i am at home, I feel physically ill and desperately holding in the dinner i ate.
I dont know what to do.
I dont know how i put up with this. I swear its always up and down dramatically. How can i go from feeling actually happy to suddenly feeling horridly depressed within seconds of being home?
I honestly think I have gone mad. Its stupid.
I mean really. The other I put on a pair of size 16 jeans. I actually can fit into normal clothing stores clothes now. I should be proud that I have lost 30kgs. But no. All i think is that im still bigger than ever, and that Im useless.

annoying thing that happened was that while i was out at the city last night. I was with my group of friends and best friend (one of which was my ex boyfriend, but we're friends again) then a friend of mine from tafe Damien walked past and said hi to me. It was really good to see him and we chatted quickly for a while as im doing some illustration works for a music video he was working on. A little later i spoke about him to my friends and stuff. And then he said "what? that hobo is your friend?"
I said that wasnt nice but ignore it. then he went on and said "well if the police find a dead body tonight then I'll know who it was"
I just glared at him and said that was harsh.
he was also saying some pretty annoying and not nice things to me that whole day. and wouldnt stop staring at me when i was dancing in the club. I was pretty angry. Im pretty sure he was jealous of my male friend which was why he acted so rude. EVEN when I told him that my friend has a girl friend. I hate it when he acts like that. I mean, seriously, he needs to get over that we are not together anymore. ANd i told him that if he doesnt feel comfortable of us being friends then i will leave him alone.
NNNNNNNNNNNNARRRGH!
MEN! so irritable!
So annoying.
Sad realisation. I've hadn't had sex on more than a year and a half. (my last boyfriend was a virging and we never had sex while we were together)
Silly i Know, but honestly...
ugh. So frustrated.
I just wish i can meet someone i love and who loves me back. Ah well. It'll never happen with ugly fat me.